Project Forgiveness

Sometimes I read a blog because I know the person in real life, like them and what they have to say.
Sometimes, when I read a blog, I may have no clue who they are in real life, but really like what they have to say.
Sometimes, when I read a blog, I may have no clue who they are in real life, somewhat like what they have to say, but really really really like how they say it.

One such blog in this 3rd category is Project Forgiveness. Tomorrow is Rosh Hashana. How many of us think seriously about what we are sorry for this year? How many of us think so seriously that we ask eachother for forgiveness?

Years ago, I had a serious argument with someone I was once quite close with. We had both changed, and the people we had become no longer got along, or even really understood eachother. I received a call a few Rosh Hashana's ago from this friend, asking for my forgiveness. This friend told me that they weren't sure what had gone wrong, and was part of a group that was bringing them closer to religion, and that the group had resolved to ask their friends for forgiveness seriously. And would I forgive them for the hurt they had caused.

This request for forgiveness may have been sincere. It really may have been. I couldn't help feeling that there was something missing though. It was probably wrong, but I gave my forgiveness, even though I'm not sure I truly forgave until much later. I've had thoughts about calling and finally being truthful - I hadn't forgiven you, it didn't seem right. I said that I forgave you because I didn't want to bring it up again. You didn't know what went wrong, it didn't seem worthwhile telling you. I didn't have the heart to say during Tishrei that I hadn't forgiven you. (For what its worth, I do think that I have forgiven this person, finally. Its an accomplishment.)

How would we ask for forgiveness from our loved ones - or not loved ones! What a thought! - if we knew that they would not respond except to say yes or no. Or perhaps not even at all. What if we had a chance only to express that we were sorry, without opening old wounds. Without having to see them the next day, knowing that they saw you differently. Without opening new wounds - what if the person never knew that you had wronged them in this way? We are social beings and must interact to communicate. Communication involves a give and take. But what if it didn't? What if you could just say - I'm sorry. For all these things. Specific things. Don't respond, just hear me. I'm sorry.

Most cultures have a tradition of looking forward to the new year. New Year's Resolutions - how will I do better this year? Judaism says, you cannot know how you can do better this coming year without knowing what you might have done better with this past year. Its not really about losing the 5 lbs for good, finding that job, getting married, getting pregnant. Those are obvious things that we will or will not do anyway. Instead, how could I have been better to my spouse, my children, my extended family? How might I have been more sensitive to the people around me? What did I learn from this years mistakes? How could I be better to myself?

First, to acknowledge how we fell short. To be truly sorry for them, and to say - this year I'm going to fix this. Next year, maybe I will still be 5 lbs too heavy, still single, still in the same dull job, (hopefully in this day of medical miracles, not still childless), but I will not have to be sorry for these same things.

The first thing I'm sorry for is not writing one of these of my own yet. Rosh Hashana is tomorrow night and I've got to get to it.

I HEART Eden's Pre-School

You heard right. After 3 years in 2 different day-cares, we've finally found the one I've been waiting for her whole life. Granted, its a pre-school, not a day-care. And I go back and forth between not wanting to talk too soon and being grateful for what I have, when I have it. Realist that I am, I know that it may not always seem as wonderful as it does now.
Because it does now seem wonderful. Its a small class, with attentive teachers. Even the afternoon teacher, who I had understood was going to be little more than a babysitter, is terrific. At 5 PM she does not leave them to freely play inside or outside while she chills out. Instead she is still sitting with the kids, coloring, helping them build towers, all with a great deal of patience and very visible love. She disciplines through positive reinforcement (as far as I've seen) and it works, and works well. She knows just what Eden's eaten for lunch (no vegies ever) and when she's last gone to the bathroom.
Parents comments have found receptive ears. We've done away with the 4 PM chocolate sandwiches, instead having peanut butter and date spread. We asked not to give the kids cookies or candy before leaving, and they stopped. We even asked for them to change their prayer routine a little bit to include the girls more, and I believe that they will take our advice and find a way to do so. (Not my ideal solution but it is an ultra-orthodox preschool and there is only so much we can ask for on that end. As long as I know that Eden doesn't feel left out, I don't mind. At the moment she still says the bracha on tzitzit even though she doesn't wear them.)
We asked for healthier lunches and should be getting them. We asked for some more advanced activities, and got English and Art Appreciation once a week, alternating weeks. At age 3! My kid gets to learn about Monet and Van Gough from an expert in art and early childhood education.
And during her first week, she came home with artwork centered around the topic "Always start with the smile". That's the way we've started the year, and I can't ask for more.

Kids Don't Eat Green Food

A few years ago, Heinz came out with green and purple ketchup. We tried it, it was interesting. Odd eating green ketchup.
Now I'm thinking that maybe green ketchup isn't such a bad idea. I'd like to get Eden in the habit of eating green foods.
We are getting a little bit repetitious and boring in our dinners. The vegies that Eden will eat include broccoli, corn, and peas. Nothing more, nothing less. So that's what I make and that's what I serve. We are all getting a little bored of it. I think I hit rock bottom the other day when I thought I could serve pancakes with a spinach sauce. Eden and Ben ended up eating the pancakes with peanut butter (Eden stuck a few peas on hers). I didn't think the spinach was that bad, but oh well.
Honestly, she would be happy with 2 bowls of cereal, a pbj, and a vanilla yogurt every day. Oh and a vitamin and a cookie.
Why does her eating habits (or lack thereof) drive me nuts? My mom said I did not eat vegies until I was 9 or so. My mother in law says I should leave her alone and offer healthy things and she will take what she needs, and I shouldn't give her a complex. Eden gets her vitamin daily, and she does love fruit. I'm concerned about the percentage of sugar and fats in her diet and I know that I should probably shut up about it. I think that Ben sees my point of view but thinks I need to chill out. Her gannenet says that none of the other kids eat the veggies at lunch - with the exception of one or two.
I go back and forth. I'm all for letting Eden take what she needs and not driving her crazy. I want to make dinner time a fun time, a family time, not a stressful time for all of us. And I suppose I have this fairy tale idea that its my job to make the dinner and every one else's job to eat it.
And Eden is just the most wonderful little girl to love, and is a terror to force something on. It breaks my heart when she cries, but it also makes me angry when she won't eat.
It's probably all wrapped up in something deeply psychological, having to do with a mixture of my own childhood, working mommy guilt, her being an only child, environmental pressures, and the fact is that she is as stubborn as I am, and often quite creative.
Note: I find it a point of progress that I am able to laugh at the pancakes and spinach and am proud of said progress.

I Suppose I'm Israeli - Political Warning

I suppose there comes a time in every oleh/olah's life where they realize, wow, I'm really not American/Canadian/British/Anywhereelseian anymore. I must be Israeli. And then there is just no going back.
That moment happened this weekend for me, when it hit me that I'm terribly conflicted as to who to vote for in the coming US election. My first instinct is "who is good for the Jews/Israel". On that note, I would definitely have to vote Republican. Israel has had one of its strongest friends in Pres. Bush, and I believe that it would continue to do so in a McCain/Palin administration. In the end, I think that this is the only thing that matters for me.
Except that I'm not a conservative. I never have been. I'm for minority rights, I'm pro-choice, pro-alternate marriage. Ok, I'm an economic conservative, but a social liberal. And I know, I know that you cannot listen to all that you read, but I like to read online magazines, and they are now all filled with all sorts of smut about the candidates that drives me nuts. Particularly the stuff about Palin.
I have to admit that I don't like Palin personally. She may be a great politician (if I liked her politics), but I just don't like the choices that she's made. Perhaps its Mommy Guilt coming over me, but there is just no woman who is a super-woman. You cannot do it all, and do it all well. You just can't have a big and young family and be second-in-command at the same time. I'm sure that her husband is as supportive as can be, and I'd like to think that I'd say this of a man in the same situation. I just feel that being a mom to a disabled child is a full time job (as is being a father!). I feel that a teenage girl whose pregnant needs her mom. And said mom will just not be able to be there for her children as much as she needs to be when she's on the campaign trail, and later serving in Washington. Again, I'd like to think I'd say the same if it was a man - these kids need their father too.
I guess I like my politicians focused on their jobs - keep the family side of it small. Leave the baby-making to people who don't have countrys to run.
But that's just personally. For some reason the McCain/Palin admin seems like it would be even further right than Bush's was. And I'd like to get some stem-cell research jumpstarted.

I'd like to interject here that I almost never ever ever speak politics except with my dearly loved. Whom I often disagree with, but love just the same. I don't feel the need to discuss it with anyone, and in this post it's really just a means to an ends.

Which is, that I don't feel really completely comfortable voting for either Obama or McCain. Because something about them bothers me - Obama's foreign politics and McCain domestic politics. And when I realized that, I realized that I had more in common with average Israelis than I did with average Americans.

Here, abortion is a bit of a non-issue. The workplace is family friendly - take mine for example. I have no problem taking off for a sick kid. None whatsoever. My boss took almost 2 consecutive weeks last year if not more when hers was sick. I work 6:30 -3:30. And none of this is suprising to anyone. Gay rights are a non-issue also, and we've had gay pride parades in our religious capital for a few years straight now. Education sucks, yes. The real estate market sucks, yes. Taxes suck big time. (I do think all of these issues will be moving somewhere...we need patience). And in the last Israeli election I also didn't really have a clear candidate to vote for, although I did have a party that I wanted to vote for. I wanted to vote Kadima, but thought that Olmert was a sleazy scumbag. (Boy was I right!) I would still vote Kadima, although Livni or Mofaz I can't say. I'm happy with Kadima's economic statements. Basically happy with their security statements, if not happy with their proven "successes". Happy in the direction that Kadima might take our country, which is more than I can say for either Republicans or Democrats in the US.

So I guess that a Jew who has no other place to go back to is finally Israeli. Its good to be home.

Go Here Its Important

http://muqata.blogspot.com/2008/09/getting-tough-israel-most-wanted.html

Judging from my site tracker, I don't think that my blog is particularly widely read. But this is worth a try - if you've seen these men, please let the rabbinate know.

I'm not a Soccer Mom or Welcome to Chug Mommy

Eden loves her new gan. On the way home yesterday, she told me, "Mommy, Racheli is nice" (Racheli is her new teacher). The afternoon teacher is also excellent. In the great tradition of gan, we don't hear very many details, aside from "Eden was wonderful today. She played so nicely." Or from Eden, "I had fun today. I played in the sand with Ariel and he went like *that* with the sand (hand going dramatically UP, so much so that you can see the sand flying in the sky) and it was in my eyes and I didn't cry because I'm a big girl and it was fun." Great Eden.

Oh and that she told her teacher that she has a baby brother named Amit at home. Also a winner.

The very fact that she comes home happy, is excited to go the next morning, and even tells me about things that she learns is really all I need.

It really helped that she went with 4 kids that she knew - 3 from her gan last year, and one from the neighborhood and shul. Two of them are her "best friends" - they've been good friends for 2 years of gan now, and it looks like they have at least another 2 years ahead of them. They will probably end up attending the same elementary schools as well. They play a lot at gan and visit after gan as well.

So to bring this post home a bit (I've been wandering) her two friends are taking a ballet chug together. We thought about signing Eden up for a chug (extracurricular class) this year, since this is the year that they start them, and a lot of her friends will be. Granted, I didn't know that her two friends were signing up, or maybe I would have thought differently, but we actually made a concious decision not to sign her up for anything.

I'm starting to get those bad parent feelings - am I depriving her of an early start on English by not signing her up for an English chug? Or on being in touch with her body for not signing her up for dance? Am I stimulating her enough for her age - will she be able to keep up with her peers who are all attending chugim this year? Will she be bored if she wants to play with a friend and we can't find any - because they are all at chugim? Is this really what is best for her?

Honestly, I have to say that I didn't completely have only her interests at heart - I was also thinking of me, and our little family. Its all I can do to come home ~5 ish, cook a decent supper, clean up a bit, have dinner together with Eden and Ben, spend time together and get Eden bathed and to bed before she falls apart. Sometimes I have time for a short errand, but it really depends on how we are all feeling, often we are all tired and hungry and a bit cranky. Sometimes I have to stay late at work and I have Ben or his mom pick Eden up. I really can't see myself to committing to being at a specific spot in the afternoon every week, or see us committing as a family to a weekly lesson after 5.

I don't remember doing anything of the sort when I was little. Granted, when I was Eden's age, I was in a very part time preschool, and was with my mom for the rest of the time. But when I was older, there was no going out after school, unless it was for school. After school was time for homework, supper, family. Time and place and situation have completely changed, but the idea really is foriegn to me.

Eden does often help me with supper - there's a "cooking chug" there. Sometimes we play with arts and crafts - another chug there. And sometimes (ok rarely, at least with me), we turn the music on loudly and dance together - there's her dance chug. Its all completely flexible, up to whatever the two of us feel like doing. We visit with friends. We've gone to the park. Sometimes we go shopping. All in all, we could call it Chug Mommy. Not so bad, I think.