Last post...

This may be my last post for a while. I'm looking through the window of next week, and I see a lot of laundry, dishes, picking up, driving, burping, cooking, working, happying, and sadding (spending happy and sad time with family). Some eating. Not a lot of time sleeping. Hopefully some time measuring formula. Probably not so much blogging.

I've found that, contrary to what the lactation consultant I spoke with a few weeks ago, I don't have a milk supply problem. If anything, I have an overabundance that is causing a fore milk/hind milk imbalance. However, after working for a week and a half - at only part time! - I do indeed have an energy supply problem. I find myself falling apart at about 9 PM. Never mind that it's just too early - it means I don't have the energy to deal with late and middle of the night feeding and caring for Yemima. Which I also need to do. Something has got to give. Most likely it's going to be nursing, or at least pumping.

Which means that Yemima needs to drink formula. She was doing pretty well with the milk, until she broke out in a rash covering almost her entire body. Once the rash went away, we tried it again, only to be met with an entire evening of poop. I'm not kidding. I had dreams of poop on the walls (at least I think they were dreams!). She was up all night, and we decided after that, that the milk was not such a good idea.

We have to see about the soy. Rather, this may take time, but she WILL take it. She MUST because I am not doing this pumping thing for much longer. But she doesn't like it, and grimaced every time I tried to give it to her. Ben did have some luck, but she'll have to do better before I can stop pumping.

It is nice being back at work. I do feel that it's time to move up and on. Get back into real life. Find a routine that works for the long term. Yemima's doing well at daycare, and I feel quite comfortable with her caretakers there. It's also nice to see all my friends and friends' kids at pickup ;) - park dates in the spring time anyone?

hmmm...

This being my last post for a little bit, I could write a lot more. Like how we're wavering about Eden's gan next year. (Are we really ready for Israeli Modern Orthodoxy in all it's institutionalism? Not so sure....)

But the house is waiting to be cleaned up. Time is ticking away. And I only have 8.5 hours until morning.

Journey Ends Here

The breastfeeding journey that is.

It hit me today. My knees ached. My elbows ached. My feet ached. It felt like I was pregnant again, except that I was holding my baby on my lap instead of inside me. I'm just plain tired.

The past few days have gone by in a rush. Nights run into mornings, run into days, run into evenings, run into nights.

Last Thursday, Yemima broke out in a big rash all over her body. I took her to the doctor, who gave her an antihistamine and suggested we start looking for things that she was allergic to. First off, we stopped giving her formula, thinking that the milk was a good first choice. After a few days the rash cleared up and we tried it again. No new rash, we thought we were home free. Then last night happened. Poop after poop after poop. Serious amounts of spit up in her crib, in her clothes, in her hair. All night long. Nursing non-stop. Morning came, and we decided no more milk formula - clearly it is not good for her.

I started writing this post last Friday....clearly I was not in a state to finish it.

Read on to the next post.

Working Part Time is Tiring

I was late to work today. 2 days on the job, and man, just not cutting it.

(I am kidding here. I'm lucky to have a very flexible and understanding office. I've got to worry about something though, don't I? What fun is life otherwise?)

Despite the big meeting Ben and I had last week about "How Life is Going to Work", we are still kind of working out the chinks. Like nightime feedings. See, we didn't expect Yemima to go from 8 PM to 2 AM without eating. She woke at 2, and we suddenly didn't have a plan. Was this the "first feeding" that Ben was supposed to take? What do we do if there is only one feeding? Do we have to discuss the pros and cons right now? And when will she wake up next - will I be able to pump at 5?

In case you missed it, sleeping 6 hours straight is what I consider "sleeping through the night". Even if its from 8-2, instead of, say, 11-5. I wonder if she'll do it again.

We are kind of playing it by ear. I did wake and pump at 5 (12 oz, baby!!), but then she woke at 6 and I fed her then. I spent 40 minutes this morning on milk production. Kind of cow-ish. So I left about a 1/2 late and ran into traffic, and cows don't usually get stuck in traffic...as far as I know. Cows also don't often want to be sitting at their desk by 7 AM. But then, technical writers aren't often blogging at 3:40 PM.

....Where am I going with this? I'm not really sure....

Working part time is kind of funny. It's a weird feeling to leave the office because I want to. Not because I must get home in time. Not because I need to do errands afterwards, and before I pick the kids up. And weird to not have to stay longer because I've got stuff to do. It can wait until tomorrow. I'm flexible. I'm not stressed. Although, yes, I am tired. Funny that.

For all those wondering, we've all had a decent first few days. Yemima did seem a bit shell shocked when I went to pick her up yesterday, but then she had just woken up. And I didn't want to have to put her down all afternoon. I missed my baby.

I still do. I think I'll go get her now instead of sitting here thinking about her.

Everybody wants to get on the bandwagon

A little while back, I posted about Babble, a new online parenting magazine that I liked. A lot of their authors seem to say things I agree with, and sometimes I feel vindicated in my decisions to not childproof (much..we do plan to pick up small toys once Yemima becomes mobile), not to worry too much about what Eden eats and doesn't eat, and a bunch else.

Recently babble offered a survey questioning what people wanted more of. Expert advice about babies and childrearing? Facts about child development?

Do we really need another babycenter? There are so many websites centered around parenting. I liked this one because it was different. I don't need another place to tell me how my breastmilk needs to be stored, and how long its good for. I don't need another site with a growth chart (often the same growth chart), or telling me that at 3 months and 2 weeks, my baby should have mastered the mini-push up, and should start to laugh soon. I have tipat chalav for all that.

So now, babble has launched the Connected by Kids facebook application. Basically, you enter information about your kids - their ages, genders, likes, activities, and you can either upload photos or link to photos on facebook. Additionally, you can access babble groups here, make Connected by Kids friends (I guess you are connected to your other friends via your and their kids?), and upload photos.

Basically, do just the same things you can do on facebook. Its a facebook within facebook! Ugh, there must be a term for this very common type of social media redundancy. I love forms and surveys and telling information about myself, but even I have had enough.

I want some more original content from babble. Like the most fun kids pajamas. Or whether exersaucers are really worth something. Some kid friendly cheap recipes. Something simple like that.

The very last minutes

Today is the last real day of my maternity leave. (Friday's don't count since I don't work then anyway). Yemima is home, being on vacation from gan for Chanukah. Eden is with Ben's mom and Sarah and Hila at the zoo in Jerusalem. I did promise that I'd clean up and make a really awesome dinner, but somehow I can't stop eating.

For the past two days Yemima's been in gan (!!!!) and I've been using the time to do all sorts of errands that one has time for on maternity leave, but does not get to for months when working. There still will be some left over, and I'll do them next week (I'm only working part time until the end of the month).

Things I did not do while on leave:

Home renovations, like hanging curtains, framing pictures, or painting.

A lot of cooking for the freezer.

Any sort of craft project.

Travel. I mean small time travel, visiting friends I wouldn't otherwise see. This doesn't include our big trip to the US.

Regular coffee dates with friends, even my co-workers also on maternity leave.

Mommy and Me groups.

Walking or any other exercise.

Things I did do:

Weekly baking.

Lots of regular life maintenance errands, at a calmer pace.

Nursing. I consider this an accomplishment that I worked for, even if "working" includes resting and relaxing, and lazing about on the couch with my baby, which I really do think helps. I don't know what its going to be like when I go back to work, but I'm currently able to pump ~10 oz (300 cc) in a single 15-20 min pumping session. That is nothing to laugh at and I consider it a blessing as well. Hopefully I'll be able to feed Yemima during daycare with just 2 pumps a day, before and after work.

Sitting.

Worrying, ruminating. Too much self-analysis. (In this respect, going back to work is going to be much healthier for me!!)

Making lists that later got thrown away.

Taking pictures.

Getting a quick falafel or omelet sandwich instead of going home for lunch.

Laundry. I cannot imagine how I'm going to keep up with the laundry when I go back. I feel like I do a load almost every day!

Reading. Avg about a book every 3 days or so.

Of course I worry. Yemima hasn't slept well at gan yet (for that matter, she doesn't often sleep well at home, so...), but I'm sure she will. She seems to be comfortable with the teachers, as am I. It's a start, and I'm sure it will get much much better.

The rest of life is about to get very complicated. Ben and I had an executive meeting the other night, lasting for over 2 hours, about How Life is Going to Work. We went through the evening schedule. We went through the morning schedule. What Yemima needs at gan, and which of us is responsible for what parts. What time everyone needs to be up by and what time we need to be asleep by. Strategized about giving a formula dream-feed in the hopes that it will push Yemima's sleep through the night (so far it just gives her mondo-poops in the morning, and she still wakes at 2).

I need a written plan like this to keep my anxiety at bay. I need to know that it will work. We did a couple of dry runs of the morning routine and modified it slightly to make it better. The evening seems to be working all right and I'm starting to believe that Ben and I have our evenings back, even if I don't yet have my nights.

What I worry about when there is nothing left to worry about: What am I going to wear on Sunday morning, my first day back? What makes me look as if I've lost ALL the baby-weight, is comfortable to pump in, warm enough/cool enough? Something that says, this woman has it ALL under control, is cool and collected, and excited to jump in. Maybe then I'll convince myself too.

Baking, Bethami Style

I've never been a great baker. Cooking, I can do. Throwing together a bunch of vegies in a pot or a wok - manageable. But something that requires science and specific measurements? Not so good at it.

Nevertheless, I've somehow been able to make a few good cakes in my time, despite my dislike of exact ingredients. (Never bread though. Bread from my kitchen could be used as cinder blocks).

I bought some rhubarb yesterday, on sale for 5 shekels. Hooray for rhubarb! And it's time I baked a cake. (I've been baking cookies regularly since I've been on maternity leave, they are great snacks. That's going to end pronto I think.) Trusty Google returned an impossible recipe:

1 1/2 cups brown rice flour
1/2 cup nut flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 teaspoon your favorite cake spice
1/2 tsp sea salt
1 cup diced rhubarb
2/3 cup mollasses
1 egg
1/3 cup oil
1/3 cup milk
1Tbs apple cider vinegar
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 cup coconut oil
1 cup fruit
1/3 cup nuts

Out of 16 ingredients, I have only 10. Who ever heard of brown rice flour? Almond flour? Do you stock coconut oil in your pantry regularly? Sea salt? We have fake Israeli maple syrup, but I'd really prefer the real thing....same with vanilla. It's just so much better that way.

So I'll try it. Replacing all the flour with plain bleached white. Sea salt will become regular table salt. Maple syrup and vanilla will be the cheap fake Israeli stuff. Apple cider vinegar will be regular vinegar and coconut oil will be canola. I do happen to have strawberries and some crushed pecans, although I'm not sure that's what they mean.

Ironically enough, the google ads at the bottom of the page of course advertise: "1 Tip of a Flat Belly :Cut down 3 lbs of your belly every week by using this 1 weird tip." Ha Ha.

Maybe I'll post a picture of this wonder after it's done.

Suggestions for a little birthday celebration for a mommy of 2 who can't really leave her baby and is starting to feel her maternity leave closing in on her?

Edit: I just noticed that there is no sugar in this??

Another edit: The author of the recipe notified me that posting it here violates intellectual property rights, and I think I also offended her sense of healthy eating. So I've modified the recipe and for the record, am NOT quoting it. I also removed the link. And I agree with Sarah, it sounds terrible anyway. I made this one instead, using shortening and water instead of butter and milk. And I added strawberries. It was divine.

Happy 3 Month Birthday, Yemima!!

I love you, my cuddly, loveable, little piglet-munchkin.

It's Doesn't Have to be All or Nothing

I called a lactation consultant yesterday to get tips on how to make it work, commuting, pumping enough for 9-10 hours. The woman was really sweet, but all that I had feared: pretty much all or nothing.

Her points were:

Your milk supply may indeed run low if you are:

1) On hormonal birth control

2) Not sleeping with your baby

3) Looking for a schedule

4) Looking to sleep through the night

5) Working full time, possibly stressed.

Well, well, well. Not so optimistic, hey?

My alternatives are taking a larger chance on getting pregnant again, continuing to take unpaid leave, and continuing to make do with a third person in our bedroom waking me in the middle of the night. Makes for a woman who is tired, pregnant and sick again, who cannot get any alone time with her husband. Ah yes, and they are also having a hard time making ends meet. As my sister said, objectively these are actually choices. Kind of grim I think, though. When can I get back to being normal?

See I kind of thought it was a good thing for Yemima to eat more, less often. This woman seemed to think not. Because the more full a baby is, the deeper they sleep, and for longer (isn't that a good thing?), and that puts them at a risk for SIDS, especially if they aren't even sleeping in the same room as you are!

Eden started sleeping through the night somewhere around 5 months I think, in her own room, and somehow I never really seriously worried about her breathing. Yes, she slept on her back, without blankets, and we had an audio monitor to hear her cry. But an actual SIDS risk? We didn't worry, and thank God she's still here.

The suggestions that she had for me to ensure that I would keep my supply up were to take fenugreek pills (check), and to pump at work whenever I got the chance, and not necessarily on a schedule, since work might indeed get in the way. I can hear that.

I got better advice from this online group that I joined, which suggested that her caregiver offer no more than 4 oz per feeding. Because a bottle takes so much quicker to finish, she doesn't realize that she is full, and just keeps eating, and will then take less from me later on, which will lower my milk supply and I won't be able to pump. Ah, now a strategy! (Although if she is going to eat so much at night that I won't get to sleep...well at some point sleep may become a priority.)

One nice thing about this lactation consultant though: I was totally expecting to make an appointment with her to discuss my questions and get her advice, and pay her for her time. Instead, she spent around 20 minutes on the phone with me for free! How nice! Perfectly long enough for me to decide her advice wasn't really along my lines anyway.

Yemima turns 3 months old on Monday. She plays, bats at mobiles, holds little toys and puts them in her mouth, puts her fingers in her mouth and takes her own ponytail out of her hair. She also talks up a storm and loves, loves, loves, loves it when people talk to her.

And in a week and a half, we start with her daycare, just a couple hours a day at first. And in 2.5 weeks, I go into the office.

!!!!

One big, sincere thanks.

Jews don't have a Thanksgiving. It's not a religious holiday, and fruma fruma yidden don't do it. Here in Israel, us ex-pats are jokey about it, pretending that we are still true-blue Americans, sometimes compromising on a "Shabbos Thanksgiving", since no one can make it out after work. Deep down, I know that American has become my heritage, and not exactly my identification.

Still, us Golds, we do make it out after work, and celebrate properly with family (it's a lucky thing the next day is Friday, and we can sleep late.) Somehow, it seems important.

Jews who pray daily offer up their own thanks all the time. Even Jews who don't pray daily (like me) are often generally thankful. We look around us every now and then and see so much wonder in our lives. And yet, as any daily davenner knows, it's difficult to continue saying Thank You every day (or 3x a day!) and have it continue to have real meaning and significance. The Jewish traditions and calendar assume that we can take responsibility for our own thanks, and while there are holidays that thank God for specific miracles (Pesach, Chanukah, Purim, Shavuot), and holidays that remind us of awe, humility, etc, there is no day for general thanks. (Comment if I missed one!)

So I'm glad we still do this.

This year, as every year, I'm thankful for family. For our new daughter, Yemima, and our wonderful big girl, Eden. For my wonderful husband, Ben. For my grandparents, and the fact that they are able to enjoy my kids. For my in-laws who are always there for us, right around the corner. For my parents, who are also right around the corner, in a different kind of a way. For friends that have become family, and for family who have more recently become friends.

Also, I'm thankful that Greenpoint Israel is still kicking, and that they seem to keep finding a way to reinvent Ben's job successfully. And that I'm on maternity leave and don't have to think about my own job security this month.

I look around me and decide that I don't believe in evil eyes, and tempt-able devils. We're happy and we're healthy; there can be no greater blessing, and for that I am thankful. I don't need to say it every day, once in a while is good enough, and today's a good day to do it.

Happy Hag HaHodaya, everyone.

P.S. I'm also thankful for Yemima sleeping right now. Wonder if she will tonight when I drive with her and Eden on my own from Modiin to Mevaseret in rush hour traffic? I will NOT pull over on Rt 1, no matter how loud she screams.

Swinging Back - Routine Needed

My own inability to make decisions never ceases to amaze me. It's very annoying of me.

Yesterday morning I was ready to pump in the car while driving in order to keep us from having to buy formula. I don't know why. I just don't want to. It's not even that I'm particularly enjoying nursing Yemima, I just don't want to have to buy formula. It stinks of defeat.

But last night, it hit me. What Yemima needs is good solid feeds, her own, dark room at night, and a bedtime routine. And all these point to formula.

I wanted to do some dry runs for Yemima being away from me, eating from a bottle, being cared for by someone else. I also wanted to get an idea of how much she eats in a sitting, so I know how much I need to pump for her. So I left her with Ben's mom for the morning, with a bag full of pumped milk - about 150 cc (~5 oz). Internet sources say that babies her age usually eat between 3-4 oz, so I figured there'd be some left over. But she gulped it all down! In one sitting, not even stopping to burp! She never has that good a feed when I'm nursing her.

So then I didn't know if that was enough for her, or if she wanted more. I didn't know if that's how much she usually takes, or if it was a huge meal for her. I had no clue as to when she would next be hungry, or how long she would sleep for. In short, the whole day was off. And although she was pretty happy for most of the rest of the day, she didn't sleep or eat well until late at night! Ahhhh!

So I decided this: Yemima just eats better out of a bottle. The bottle doesn't move or try to update it's facebook status while feeding her. Neither does it talk on the phone or put braid a squirming four year old's hair. So I don't blame Yemima. And it seems to me that she could really consolidate her meals if they were all out of bottles. Maybe even so much that she'd sleep at night! In which case, she could have her own room. Consolidated feedings would also allow us to give her a better schedule, and a normal bedtime routine. (Although I don't know about when. She often drifts off to sleep at around 7, which means her bedtime routine would need to start at about 6:30, including bath. We are usually still eating supper at that point....I can see things will need to change.)

If I could exclusively pump and give it to her in bottles, that might be an option. But I think I would need to be pumping all day.

Which brings me to my second thought. The more I think about pumping during work hours, the more I hate it. It's just another thing to stress me out. I seem to have a somewhat stressful job and commute already. We know some super people who are able to raise multiple kids, hold a full time job, and get a degree all at the same time - in different cities! I'm not that super person. Really really not. We need our down time in the evenings, we need our calm family time. We need our sleep. And I think about how I got sick last week in the US - I tend to overexert myself. Plan too much for myself. Commit myself to too much. And it's not very good for my health.

So it kills me, but I think I'm going to slowly give her formula during the day (!!!!) once I go back to work full time. And then I was thinking of just nursing her at night. And probably what I'll do is something in the middle, nursing once or twice a day, possibly pumping once if I can. Not so bad...

Still, I can't believe that this is the conclusion I've come to. I guess in an ideal world I wouldn't work, and I could nurse her for longer? Ahem, not so ideal. Take a longer maternity leave? Um, also not. Some parts of life just suck, I guess. Most of the rest of it is pretty good, so I'll take what I can get. Formula does have many perks, it just runs against my instinct I guess.

It sounds backwards but I think I'm looking forward to going back to work so we just settle in to this decision already.

Building Up the Freezer Stash

Now that we are back from the US, settled in (sorta), feeling better (more or less, some of us more, some of us less), and are starting to get back into routine, I've got to start getting ready to go back to work.

Still a ways off, but mostly I'm starting to think about what Yemima will eat when I'm gone. See, I'm on unpaved territory here.

I don't have a frame of reference really, since it pretty much didn't work at all with Eden. Or rather, it technically did work, but she screamed. And I went nuts. Ok, so I guess that's not really called working. So I don't know where to start.

When I was pregnant, I didn't want to invest that much in nursing supplies because I didn't know how it was going to work. Now that its working pretty well, I did get a bunch of clothes to nurse in and some freezer storage bags. But I still don't know how it's going to work when I'm back at work. Will I have the stamina to keep it going? Probably, the more I invest in conveniences like a hands-free pumping system, a cigarette adapter plug for the pump, more accessories, more storage containers, the more likely I'll keep it going longer. But until I know that I'm willing to go all the way, it seems like a bit of a waste to invest all that in it.

I've been doing a lot of reading. And have found some interesting things. (Funny, reading no longer really means reading books. Although I'm sure that there are no shortage of books on the topic, I've read none. But I've really just been surfing the internet while nursing. And signed up for a Yahoo group.)

As always, my limits are not where I thought they would be. When Eden was little, there was no question: We were NEVER. EVER. EVER. BRINGING HER INTO OUR BED. Also, she was out of our room by 6 weeks, and never back in it except when we were away. And we never broke that. Even if it meant Eden sleeping on a quilt on the floor next to us when we were away, never our bed. Yemima has been in and out of my bed countless times - when she nursed non-stop in the middle of the night (Eden never did that), when the timer for the heater was set wrong on Shabbat and she was cold, when we were in the US and the crib provided by the hotel was not exactly convenient. And I'd do it again, with no qualms. I don't want to make a habit of it, I am not a proponent of a family bed, and much as I like a baby doll to cuddle with, I'd just as soon have my own space (it's not her I want to be cuddling with). And I think I sleep better when she's not there. But I read this one article about making sure to get enough sleep when you go back to work, and the difficulties involved in this (I can only imagine!!) especially while trying to give your baby breast milk only. And one solution to this is keeping your baby close at night. I had thought that we'd be getting ready to move Yemima into her own room right about now, and here I am thinking we'll rent a small crib to keep in our room for another few months until she really sleeps through the night so that I can sleep better. What a switch!

- Interesting factoid: Wheras formula fed babies need more and more formula as they grow older, breastfed babies ages 1 month to 6 months eat on avg about the same amount the whole way through. Cause: the breast milk just gets better. So if I need to pump about 15o cc per feed now for her, chances are I'll probably still need to pump about the same in a few months. Nice to know that I don't have to worry about trying to get double!

I used to be pretty relaxed about nursing Yemima - if it worked, great, if it didn't, oh well. Benefits to both sides. So far, it's been pretty easy, but I don't know what I'll do when it get's tough. (When the going gets tough, the tough get pumping? I like that bumper sticker) But here's something: It's quite likely that I had some sort of flu when we were in the US, probably swine. And I nursed Yemima straight through. Now thank God, it doesn't seem like any other of my loved ones caught it from me - Ben was sick before we left, and Eden has a bad cold, but no fevers all around. Yet if I wasn't nursing Yemima, and she, being only 2 months old has an immune system that is still pretty weak - I don't want to think about the possibilities of her having caught the flu from me. A fever that high in a little baby, in a foreign country (any country where you don't have a local doctor, health insurance, and don't understand how to get health care is foreign in my mommy-book) - I really don't want to think about it. My breastfeeding her may have prevented a real disaster.

Not to say that breastfed babies don't get sick. Point in case - she's got her first cold and is snoring right next to me. But I'm pretty sure its documented somewhere that it does help. And as a working mom, with a limited amount of sick days, it's something to think about. I think that the freezer stash of breast milk just got slightly more important to me.

New record talent: Blogging in bed, Yemima on my left side. My right hand is holding her right hand to soothe her to sleep, my left is somehow under my right, typing this blog. Wow.

You know you are back home when...

The Israeli stewardess says to your 4 year old daughter, as she's riding off the plane on her Trunki, "Ok now, take your mommy's hand and start walking already." Mommy was already holding a little squirming baby, diaper bag and blanket, and was looking through gate-checked strollers, and everybody else seemed to be charmed by the Trunki. But of course, we may be holding up the line a little bit, so it's time to get terse with the pre-schooler.

And the wheels on the baggage cart don't roll straight.

Ah its good to be home. How jealous I was when we left my parents at JFK, and they only had to get their car and drive for an hour and a half. Whereas we had to check in, fly for another 10 hours, and get a cab home.

Things I like about the US:

- Family: There is not enough I can say about this. The time that I and my family spend with my grandparents and extended family is as precious as can be. Pictures to come (once I get them from other people, since we misplaced our camera about halfway through the trip, and only found it again the night before we left), but Eden and her second cousin Kaity got along just wonderfully. And she loved playing with Great-Grandpa all day, and spending the day at Disney with Bubbe (with Cinderella dress, shoes, tiara, ponytails, jewelry, and best of all - pixie dust!!) I don't think I could have given my Grandma a better 80'th birthday present than time with my girls.

- Cheaper shopping: No doubt about that. Nice generics - something Israel needs to do better on. Teva does all right on medicines, we need to move into everything else. Like Walgreen's brand wipes that come out only one at a time and have a little clicky-cloesy thing so that none get wasted.

- And more availability, like these awesome tasting elderberry chewable vitamins that work great on colds. And taste yummy yummy yummy!!

(Ben's sitting next to me in his new cargos and hoodie sweatshirt, and he looks pretty yummy too. :))

- Eden's face as we rose above the clouds, and her comment: We're in the sky! We're with God! It's a tie between that and her face during the Disney parade.

Reason's I'm happy to be home:

- (Edited to add this): Kafeh Hafuch! Everytime I just wanted a cup of coffee, it was too hot and too watery. Not tasty and filling and warm and cozy at all. From the coffee on the plane to Starbucks, to the hotel, to wherever. Israeli's make coffee better, hands down.

- We had too much stuff to keep track of and lost too many things too many times.

- Kosher food. I will never take for granted the ability to stop and get something kosher to eat in just about any city in this country. Or in between cities. Something relatively healthy and tasty, often a pita, humus, falafel, and Israeli salad. Perfect. Of course it helps that we aren't picky about kashrut certificates, the local rabbinate is perfectly fine for us.

- Just.Space.to.Breathe. This doesn't have to do with Israel per se, just with being home. And I think it trumps all else. Hello couch. Hello kitchen. Hello porch. Hello even creaky mattresses in bed. Hello home.

Breathe, Man, Breathe

Whew. I'm breathing. May have forgotten once or twice since the weekend. Traveling, visiting, driving, Disney, changing diapers, nursing, carrying, calming, finally we have an early evening. Both kids asleep, some good fat novels to read, and time to reflect.

My first impressions of the US: I don't know why any Orthodox Jew would ever live anywhere but Israel. The energy spent on vacation just figuring out what and where to EAT, I need a vacation just from that on it's own. When I go on vacation, I want to just pack some diapers and wipes and GO, knowing that I can pick up a falafel on the way. Love Israel for that.

And yet, the 6 lane highways do tend to make up for it.

~~~~~~

Spent the day at Disney world. After being disappointed to find out that the characters no longer wander around the park as much as they did when I went over 15 years ago. Instead, you actually need to wait in line just to shake hands with Mickey. And neither he nor Minnie are home. But the day improved as it went on - rides, and a princess dress, and a parade all helped immensely.

Tomorrow we hit the shops. Well, Ben and I - considering that the next time we'll be back may be.... ? As of yet, unknown. Eden gets to spend the day with Saba and Savta, at mini-golf ("what about Mickey golf?" she says) , or a petting zoo.

Pictures going up as much as possible at www.dropshots.com/benvbat

Child models

Some people I know have entered their children in the Gap Child Casting Call. You can vote for them and the best one wins. (Or the one with the most digital friends..., really I think it's like an online prom queen)

I don't think I would ever do this. It would be pretty cool to have my child the next face of Gap Kids, but do I really want to expose her to this? Really?

I don't think so.

Parents who do this - do you not expect your child to win, or would you really be happy if he/she did?

My friends children are beautiful. But I'm not sure I'd want them to win either. Good luck though.

A New Phase in Motherhood

Letting my infant cry only because I'm doing something else right now is surprisingly easy.

Realizing this hurts.

Confession: Tonight, I let Yemima cry when:

• I pulled Eden's many small ponytails out of her hair and washed it, and then rubbed Eden dry and gave her a big cuddle.
• Made Eden a grilled cheese for supper so that she wouldn't scream from tiredness as well as hunger on the way home from dance lessons.
• All the way to Eden's dance lessons, and home again. Thank God she slept during the lessons themselves. Though she looked VERY VERY angry the entire time she slept. Probably at me.

All these times, I just went about what I was doing as I normally would. Trying my utmost not to get my nerves frayed. That would just have a) gotten Eden crying, b) probably gotten myself burnt c) could have gotten me into an car accident

I wonder what it does to a 4 year old when she realizes - consciously or not - that Mommy is willing to let Baby scream in frustration for minutes on end for her sake. Does it tell her that torture is OK? Does it teach her that it is OK to profit from someone else's pain?

And what does it do to Baby, to be often put aside for Big Sister? Of course, Big Sister is often put aside for Baby also, but Baby does NOT KNOW that. Big Sister does know, and understands pretty well. Will she remember these and think that she matters less?

Ha. She won't remember. But she MIGHT very well read this blog at some point. Horrors!

What do you do with rotting pomegranates?

And other questions.

I've had so many blog posts ready in my mind. Usually they sprout at an unbelievably inconvenient time, and then I forget about them. I had a great mommy guilt post going a few weeks ago. It had something to do with Eden. And Yemima. Ah yes, the time I took them to the mall at 6:30 completely unprepared for what was going to happen. To them and me - utter collapse.

Well, thats all water under the bridge. I did it again yesterday with relatively little screaming, on both their parts. Spent WAY too much on supper (NIS 21 for a teeny salad!!), and Eden did go to sleep crying, but it's all relative.

Fact is, I'm most often online when nursing or getting Yemima to sleep. Which I usually do with one free hand. So I can sort of type, as in small-time emails and chatting. Or Google searches, surfing. But typing out a whole blog post is still a bit much for me.

Some thoughts:

Is it a purer form of Mommy Guilt if the mommy in question isn't working? Meaning, its total mommy guilt, guilt coming from mommy tasks ONLY.

And how about guilt felt for enjoying my maternity leave? The long, lazy days of feed, surf, read, eat, do some laundry and sweep, meet a friend for coffee. Event of the week is the doctor. I cook dinner at 3 PM, just to get it done with. Yes, it is me getting up every 2 hrs at night, but it isn't as if my days require great genius. On the other hand, Ben seems to be incredibly stressed at work. Makes me feel guilty for asking him to take the baby when her evening colic sparks up. Or for not getting more done around the house. Or for making HIM do things around the house. When he works at home, I can see the comparison brazenly clear: Ben, typing furiously, on the phone all the time, comes down for coffee looking shocked and tired. Me, lazing on the couch again with a baby sleeping on my lap, reading. It does seem to indicate a lack of significant brain activity.

Does the pain of pregnancy and childbirth REALLY balance that all out?

(You are banned from this blog if you suggest I should put her down when she's sleeping. Yes I KNOW I'm fostering a bad habit. And what will happen when I need to go back to work. Yadda Yadda. She'll scream. Also I figure nothing really matters since we are going to the states in a few weeks and everything she's ever learned will be thrown off then, and she'll have to learn them all over again. I won't publish comments that seem to indicate anything else.)

Which brings me to the pomegranates. I know I could use rotting fruit in a cake or compote, but what do you do with rotting pomegranates? Ben is eating them very slowly, but there are 2 left. I'd be happy for a recipe, no matter how complicated it is. Hey, I've got the time, right? No stress.

My mind is NOT turning to mush

Or so I tell myself.

I realized today that I've become a somewhat spacey conversationalist. Not to say that I've always been fascinating, but I can do better than this. And yes, you can make all sorts of excuses for me, like that I only sleep for an hour out of every two at night (ok I'm exaggerating a little bit), the real truth is that I blame it on the baby.

For all it's benefits of breastfeeding, such as increased immune system for the baby, weight loss for the mom (really? let me know when that one takes effect), easy to pack and go, cheaper, it's a myth that it does not chain mothers a bit. Not just to their babies, but to the couch.

1) It's easier to nurse on the couch that at the dining room table.

2) If there is anyone at the table who you'd prefer not to flash - at least while they are eating - it's much easier to go to the couch.

3) Yemima knows when she is not my main focus, and she doesn't like it. She eats much better when she knows that she's the center of my attention - and that I'm not involved in something else, like a conversation.

4) I would not want to eat under a hot blanket, I don't blame Yemima for not wanting to either.

So if I'm lucky, and Yemima sleeps during dinner, then I can be an adult and talk about interesting things. If she's awake and just chillin' - also OK, although there is always a part of my brain that is switched off from normal life to listen for her cues. And if she's awake but crying then forget about talking, I can't think straight.

If she's hungry - the couch. And you just can't participate in what's going on at the table very well from the couch. You can try, but it's a tad forced. Sad, sad fact.

And sometimes there's the awake, but not hungry, not crying, but not totally cool either. That's when I'm trying to stick a pacifier in her mouth every so often, talk to her, make eye contact, perhaps change a diaper. And that's also where the spacey conversation comes in. Because I'll be talking or listening and then I'll just fade out. My brain goes to Yemima. Sitting on the couch nursing I can usually at least listen in.

And if someone said something really interesting, I've lost it. It's a little silly to ask them to repeat it, since it happens so often. ("What? Can you repeat that? Sorry? Wait, say that again? What was that you had said 2 minutes ago that I was really interested in hearing but didn't?") And if its a conversation turner - something for getting the rest of it, then I'm gone, and I start saying things like, "Really? Wow. So interesting. Ah. Right. Got it."

I don't think I'm really such an airhead....ok just a bit of one. But if you hear me start to sound like that, you might offer to take the baby.

A calm relaxing morning

Offsetting a tiring night....or rather morning. Yemima was up between 3 and 4 this morning, gassy, poopy, hungry. In reality I suppose, it could be worse.

Changing the clocks last night gave us a longer leisurely morning. Not much to do today anyway. Am currently listening to my older daughter, still in her PJs, color and use stickers with my mother over her breakfast, while my younger daughter sleeps in her swing. I'm still in my PJs too.

Finally posted all the photos we have of Yemima and Eden to www.dropshots.com/benvbat - and linked it on facebook so that everyone knows about them. I really am kind of sick of posting photos to both places - and do certainly prefer dropshots, at least from the point of view of the person loading them. Mainly because you can load photos and videos at once, with a desktop widget - don't need to be on facebook at all! You can still add comments, just they aren't facebookized....and no tagging. Oh well - we pay for the storage at dropshots anyway, giving us practically unlimited storage, so I may as well.

If you are looking for thoughts on Yom Kippur, my mind draws a blank. All I can say is that I wish everyone a fruitful and successful new year, a fresh new start, and an strong inscription in the book of life, love, and personal fulfillment. Atonement....I just want to move forward and am finding it difficult to focus on the past. The year kind of sped by for me, I'm not really sure what happened. Let's move on to the new year and be better, do well. I'll try again to be the best me I can.

Adjustments

Haven't written in a while for a few reasons:
1) Its difficult to type efficiently with only one hand.
2) I had a baby two weeks ago. That should really be enough of a reason.
3) I think that most everything I have to say has really been said before. I mean really, should I tell you that I haven't had a good night's sleep since I left the hospital? Complain about how much Yemima cries? Or maybe you'd like to know about the laundry that hasn't gotten put away yet (it's only folded thanks to my mother-in-law...), the garbage to be taken down, and toys to pick up?

We have a baby. Thank God, she's quite normal, lungs and all. She sometimes can be tricked into sucking on a pacifier, seems to be OK sucking on my finger to fall asleep sometimes, eats OK, and has regular poops. She seems to be more and more awake and alert every day, and once in a while we get a nice big smile out of her (I will only slightly agree that it may have something to do with gas.)

Haven't had the chance to upload many pictures yet, although I have some good ones sitting on my camera. They are coming....

In the meantime, we are all adjusting. I'm remembering about why you are supposed to put the new diaper on under the old one, just in case. Also learning that we have to be home much earlier than usual, or risk 2 screaming and tired kids. As well as ready to be screaming and tired Mommy and Daddy. Sometimes I still feel like I'm babysitting when I'm out with both of them. Are they really both mine? Do I have two daughters? Gosh, I'm old.

I also find that it is just as hard to take prenatal vitamins after the baby is born than it is beforehand. I still gag on them and I don't even have morning sickness.

One Word Miracle

I'm going to take a moment to be sappy. There may be many moments like this coming. Bear with me on it.
My favorite reading material today is our discharge papers. They are in hebrew of course, but I've translated some of it below.

My favorite word today is takin, or directly translated to English as "intact", or "as expected". It just means that all is as it should be. I didn't translate that below, because the word takin really is the whole miracle of the thing. (Takina and takinim are conjugations of the word takin.)

I think its pretty self explanatory.

(Oh and the other miracle is that she slept long enough to let me eat supper. And is still sleeping. Wonder if she will let me take a turn. I know...sleep when she does. Well.)

Note: I am not a doctor, and have no medical training. This is a total layman's translation.

Child:
Date of Birth: 7/9/09
Place of Birth: Hadassah Ein Kerem
Sex: Female
Week of Pregnancy: 41
Weight at Birth: 3330 g
Apgar: 1 min: 9, 5 min: 10

Pregnancy:
Duration of pregnancy: Regular
Type of birth: Regular (I suppose as opposed to C-section. But that was REGULAR???)
Labor Process: Takin

Physical:
Head: Symmetrical, fontanel takin
Eyes: Follows a red light, takin
Neck: Takin
Lungs: Air goes in well, equally in both lungs
Heart: Sound heartbeat with no murmurs
Stomach: Soft, with no enlarged organs. No lumps felt.
Genitalia: Female, takina
Limbs: B.M.P. spread takin
Neurological: Tested takina for age. Infant reflexes takinim.
Skin: Takin, aside from stork marks on the face.

Head circumference: 33.5 cm.

Hospitalization: Takin

The Short Version

Day 2.

Baby Girl Gold born Sept 7, 10:55 PM, 3.3 kg (7 lbs 2 oz). I'd say that the acupuncture worked, and that Eden's predictions were correct, but the odds were pretty good. She was exactly 1 week late. We hit traffic driving to the hospital, but were very glad that Ofrit knew a shortcut via the JNF forests near Jerusalem....

It was a successful VBAC. Not fun, but successful. I'm not going to go into details, but I didn't really get out of bed on my own until almost 24 hours later. Feeling much better now, getting there slowly.

The hospital staff here at Hadassah Ein Kerem has been fantastic. Nice, pleasant, happy to help, and most importantly, quick with the pain meds post-partum. Sometimes you have to nudge them. Maybe its only that I'm 4 years more Israeli than I was when Eden was born.

She is also great. She eats well (OK, ALL the time, but well at least...), is awake and alert and calm for some good pockets during the day. (Actually, seems to be the same pockets each day, not that we can establish a pattern over 2 days..). Head chock full of black hair. Long fingers, elegant fingernails. Intelligent eyes. Soft ears and cheeks covered in elvin peach fuzz.

I'll post pictures hopefully before the weekend.

Oh and you know who else was born on Sept. 7th? Queen Elizabeth I, in 1533.

So Much for Drugs

After my monitor at the clinic yesterday came back clear (no contractions), Ofrit (my midwife) suggested I try a black and blue cohosh homeopathic combination to try and induce labor over the weekend. Her reasoning is: if I go back on Sunday to the clinic, which I need to do every 2 days now or get branded with child abuse even before said child is born, and I do have contractions, they will send me straight to the hospital. As opposed to other people we know, the hospital will not send me home, even if its obviously too early, because I'm post-C. Instead, they'll keep me there and try to induce. The combination of an induction, contstant monitoring, innumerable doctors poking their heads in to give their opinions, and midwives who have to answer to said doctors instead of to me, could lead to a more stressful time, less progressive labor, and if the baby's heartrate starts to drop as a result - boom. Straight to the operating room.

So the idea is to naturally induce over Shabbat, so that I don't have to go back to the clinic at all on Sunday, but instead will be either going to the hospital, or if I do go to the clinic on Sunday, and from there to the hospital, it will be with real labor.

Yesterday afternoon we went on a goose chase in Modiin looking for the cohosh mixture that Ofrit had recomended, to find that really we could get it easiest only in Rechovot. So we picked Eden up, and took the new speedy 431 down to Rechovot. Promising Eden pizza on the way home worked. If only she hadn't insisted on reading the mapbook. Seriously, we need to start taking dramamine with us in the car.....Well it could have been worse, but I had wanted to give her a nice, calm, normal evening before going into labor. Which it wasn't.

But its just as well, because I've been taking the cohosh since 5 AM, with nothing substantial. Sure, something different than yesterday, and enough to make me just want to sit, lazy, around the house. But nothing leaving me screaming in pain. Nothing that needs us to send Eden over to Ben's parents. I think she's a bit disapointed that she won't be sleeping there tonight. We are bit disapointed too.

Here's what I think (since you are reading this, I assume you are interested): The baby will come out when she's ready. And I might prefer to just leave it that way, herbal remedies or no. I mean, even if it comes to next Wendesday (which is when the clinic doctor said that she would either induce or schedule a C), I'll take the induction. They don't use pitocin for VBACs here, which already makes for a less agressive induction. And then come what may. I'll try to avoid an epidural, and if the baby's heartrate is fine, I see no reason that they would push for surgery. If the baby's heartrate is NOT ok, then I will be pushing for surgery.

I will take Ofrit's advice though, and continue to take the cohosh tomorrow and see what happens. It does feel kind of weird, taking it every 1/2 hr (I'm taking little pills, not a tincture). Going all the way to Rechovot to get it did feel a bit like buying drugs, which is a weird thing to buy when you are pregnant. (Ok, or any time). Taking them is also a bit annoying - every 1/2 hour!!

Completely different note: I finished the first season of Mad Men (in 2 days....oy.) I really liked it! I suppose I'll have to watch it all over again with Ben, but looking forward to downloading season 2 and 3 when available. What a suprise, a un-comedic drama that I enjoy.

Post-script: After 2 days of taking cohosh and no caffiene, I was ready to quit. Ofrit agreed that it just wasn't working, so on to the next try: Acupuncture. I never thought I had it in me, but we shall see.

Still, Still, Still Waiting!

Actually, its not as bad as I thought it would be. Sunday, I thought I was having the baby. Monday, I went to the clinic, and they wanted to send me to the hospital, although it was WAAAY to early. They gave me 2 choice - hospital, or an IV to stop the contractions and you go home. Hmmmmm. Stop the contractions?? I promised I'd go home, drink lots of water, and come back, since I didn't really want an IV. (That was my midwife's idea, very glad I called her. She said that if I'd ended up in the hospital so early, I would be well on my way to surgery. I say, she's already done 1/2 her job. Albeit the easier part.)

So that's what I did, and the 2nd monitor was virtually clear, and they let me go home.
Today was when I thought I'd be really bored. I took Eden to gan in the morning. Came home, cleaned up a bit. Was then very tired, so I rested for a few hours. Then I went grocery shopping, which just killed my energy levels for the rest of the day. Seriously, I learned my lesson - I think no driving farther than around the corner, and no going out for more than an hour or so. So I sat and rested again for the rest of the day. Ben took Eden to her dance class, and then I put her to bed when she came home.

I've watched 1/2 a season of Mad Men between last night and today. Wow.

Tomorrow might start to get a bit boring now. There is some clean-up to do, and some laundry. Then I think I'll bake a cake. And maybe a quiche for dinner. And after that...hmm. I suppose I'll think about trying to have this baby again.

Working on English

Having made a decision to sign Eden up for dance this year over English lessons, I keep wondering how we can bolster her English skills. At the moment, she speaks English fine, although sometimes very simple words slip her mind, like colors. She knows the ABCs, but cannot recognize all the letters, never mind the sounds.
I guess I'd like to imagine that she will pick it up quickly when she does start to learn it in school, and hopefully, she will be able to join the English for English speakers classes. Here in Modiin, parents are so meticulous about getting their kids' English skills up to par though, that I wonder.
A friend of mine with a son about Eden's age says that she does not send him to English classes, although she does work with him on English every day. That's tough I think, spending our time together in the evenings working on something that isn't completely enjoyable. She gets annoyed with it. This friend of mine also is home in the afternoons, and I imagine has a lot more time to spend on it. Somehow I just can't imagine fitting it in between 5 PM pick up time and 8 PM bed time, along with dinner, bath, play, just enjoying eachother's company. Never mind Baby.
Makes me think about exactly how important her English skills are to me. Yes, its of utmost importance that she can carry on an intelligent conversation with English speakers (such as her grandparents, great-grandparents, and myriads of cousins). Yes, it would be nice if she could read and write decently as well - well enough to communicate with the above and also to serve her well in the business world in the future. (That's everyone's excuse for pushing English - its a global economy! She'll make more money if she reads and writes English well. When we all know that WE just communicate better in English and would prefer that she does also!) But at the end of the day, do I need to prepare her for the SAT's? Does she really need to be prepared for ANYTHING - including college in the US? What am I doing moving to Israel if I think she might be going back at some point? Or is that really just her decision, and I should leave all of her options open.
At the end of the day, she needs to be able to express herself in writing. In a language. She also needs to be (like me!) a voracious reader and seeker of information. In a language. And most of all, she needs to be able to do that at a young age - now, and through college. That's when I want to hear what she has to say - when she's 15, I want her to be able to write a term paper that she's proud of. Eventually, a college essay that really expresses who she is. At 10, a paper expressing her opinion of a book she read, or what she did on her summer vacation. Do I care that she does it in English or Hebrew? I'd prefer that she does it in a language I can read of course, but maybe that just means that my Hebrew needs to get better. I'd prefer she does it well.
Where am I going with all this.....at the end of a long day, I'd prefer to hear about her day - in English or in Hebrew - and tell me how she felt about it, than sit for 45 minutes and work on the ABCs. I'd prefer to cuddle over a story that I read to her - in English! - than sit at the table drilling letter sounds. I hope that's enough, and hope that looking back in 20 years, she's happy we preferred that too.

Baby news: Nothing. Am keeping close to home today though. Should probably be walking around to get this moving instead of sitting and blogging...but....I am just so so tired.

** Note: If it turns out that she is not a voracious reader and seeker of information, that is OK too and I will not love her any less is she turns out completely different from me.

Daddy Bear wears pink, and My decision to not wait any longer

I spent the day today with Eden. We did lots of things. One thing in particular:
You know how no matter how much people try to turn kids gender non-specific? Buying their boys dolls, and their girls trucks, and so forth. And then the boys just end up shooting off their dolls' heads, and the girls end up dressing up the trucks. And no matter what, all little girls want to be princesses, brides, or mommies when they grow up.
Well, today, Eden dressed her Daddy Bear all in pink. Granted he did come with a pink bunny suit, which is soft and cuddly and cute, but has also actually been on him for about 3 full days in the past 4.5 years. Especially since she started to call him Daddy Duby (Daddy Bear). Well today, he was totally decked out in the pink bunny suit, plus her pink plush winter hat.
I asked her if she thought it was a little funny that he was wearing all pink. Does she know any boys who wear pink? Her response, "Well he likes pink. He also likes blue and yellow and green. He likes all the colors."
And we weren't even trying :). Eden's favorite color? Yellow!

Also - decision: I am no longer waiting for this baby. That does NOT mean that we are going to the hospital tonight. Also, it does not mean anything else. All it means is that I am no longer waiting with bated breath. I'm wearing the clothes I packed for the hospital, and they are actually dirty, and will have to be washed again if I want to take them with me. I stopped putting my deodorant back in the bag for fear I'll forget it. I'm not thinking that we are going to the hospital every night. I've resigned myself to the idea that this could last another 2 weeks or more, and I'm just going to enjoy myself. Or, at least as best I can, back aching, belly aching, legs aching, and feet so swollen that my crocs are tight. (Can you believe it?!!?) Getting through my last week at work and doing my best to get some sort of supper on the table (Ben, there's leftover pizza in the fridge. Want to stick it in the oven?)

I'm not really conscious of a real change in myself, but Ben has noticed it. He hasn't exactly called me "lazy", but did say how out of character it is for me to not be able to move much. He points out that I let other people serve themselves when they come to visit (normally my kitchen is off limits), and that when my sister came for Shabbat last, I let her strip the bed. He realizes that it just hurts to move, and has been fantastic about it. I do think that he probably looks forward to the time when the independent go getter that he married comes home again though. I don't blame him, and I think that I do too. It'd be nice to eat something decent and get the laundry put away faster. Let's hope this baby is nice and calm.

At arrivals

No, not yet.
I feel similar to someone waiting at arrivals at the airport. Let's say its someone you love, someone you haven't seen in a long time, someone that you want to dash out and hug the minute, nay, split second, you see them. And you know that their flight has landed, and they are just getting their bags.
And its Ben Gurion right before the holidays. And the person you are waiting for will be wearing a black hat and suit.
Ok so not likely that I'd run out and hug that person. But let's just say.
And they don't have a cellphone so you can find out where they are. And their bags are the last to come through. And you even got to the airport early, well, just in case. After all, there might have been traffic.
Every person you see coming through those doors, you say - is that them? Is that them? Is it? Now? Now? And you want to sit down and just rest, but you can't, because what if you miss that first look at them??!!!
Remember that huge screen they used to have at B.G., where you could see the people just a minute before they actually came out? And you watched both the screen and the door, even though you'd just seen those people on the screen?

Yeah, so that's me now.

Yesterday, my c-section scar started to hurt. A lot - like real, stinging pain. Like the kind of pain I don't remember feeling since it was closing up. And it hurt more when I touched it, and it certainly felt like it was stretching thin. At the time I didn't think too much of it.

I called my midwife this morning, just in case. And she said that as long as the baby is kicking and the pain feels like its on the skin only, and isn't really coming together with the contractions, its probably OK. But that if it made me feel better, it's definitely a reason to go down to the clinic for a monitor. I called the woman's clinic, who said regardless, it's definitely a reason to come down and get it checked out.

So down I went, a part of me thinking, wow - if they don't like this then I could be in the OR in just a couple hours. Too bad about all that VBAC prep, I'd rather get this baby out safely. And there goes future VBACs. And once again, tried to cancel meetings for tomorrow, send out status emails, think of last minute things to put in my bag, and prepare myself for the possibility that they'd say that just in case, they'd like to send me for another C. Of course you can refuse these things, but I'm not the woman to say, nah, I don't believe you and I'd rather hold out for my natural birth. Risking the life of this one and the possibility of never having any more children (that's basically what happens when a c-section scar rips). And I went down and got a monitor done. And an ultrasound. And then (whew!) met with a doctor to discuss it all. Who told me that all is fine, heartbeat and contractions both look great. And nothing doing just yet.

So I'm still here, watching that screen. What is it about human beings that draws us to paranoia?

Still waiting

It's been almost a week now since I first thought that we were heading to the hospital. The week has been - interesting. Almost every night, I've gone to bed with the idea that perhaps this was it. And then woke up in the morning to ... nothing.

I finally met with my midwife again yesterday. We kept scheduling meetings and then she had a birth, or another emergency and had to cancel. Well, at least she called, and was nice about it, and was eager to speak to me, find out how I was doing, and reschedule for as soon as possible.

She said that this could go on for another week. Or even longer. Was curious about whether I was going to go into September or not. September!!!!

The good news is I suppose that the longer this goes on, the easier the actual birth might be. Still no promises, but if we do the work over a period of 3 weeks, then there should be a lot less to do on the day of the birth right? Hopefully.....

Many people wonder why I don't take off from work already. The contractions are often strong enough to take my breath away, and I don't walk around so easily. Eden asked this morning why I wasn't coming with her and Daddy on their little tiyul, and I said - I can't walk from one end of the house to the other! I can't go on a tiyul! And yet, I'm not that tired, just my back aches a lot. If I was home already, I'd be bored out of my mind, or would be spending too much money on coffee dates. So I'm happy to still be working, and feeling very very lucky to work in a very understanding office. I worked at home 3 days last week. Thursday, I just woke up in the morning, felt a sore throat coming on, and decided it wasn't worth it. I rescheduled my meeting and decided to stay home working on the couch again with my feet up. It keeps me busy, keeps my mind active, and yet I have the flexibility to say when it's enough. I appreciate that not every office would say that. I suppose it helps that my direct manager is already out on maternity leave, and the rest of the office is busy enough to just have an extra pair of hands. It's actually quite relaxing, and I even enjoy it.

Our new rocking chair is divine. Very addicitive. I could sit it in for hours, just rocking. Big time waster. Thanks Grandma and Grandpa!

Waiting

A friend of mine is waiting for engineers and contractors and plumbers and the electric company. She's building a house, and has this picture on her blog:

That's exactly how I feel too.

Yesterday, I felt - well not real contractions, but definitely funny. All day. And then some contractions where I had to think - is that painful? Really? Is this it?

And then I really thought I was heading for the hospital. I was also nervous and anxious to pack. So I tried to wrap things up at work, updating status sheets, sending emails. I finished packing my bag, and even had to take my toothbrush out again this morning. I worried that I hadn't emptied the dishwasher, or packed a bag for Eden to take to her grandparents, and that there was no juice in the house. I asked Ben to copy all our remaining Scrubs and the Office episodes to the laptop. And I tried to think through all the contingencies.

However, at some point, I had to go to sleep. And I slept straight through the entire night, something I haven't done in a week or so. So here I am, still waiting. Ben thinks it could go on for another 2 weeks.

I feel like it could be any day now. But is that wishful thinking or a real gut instinct? And do I try to move it along or let it be - this baby will come in her own time?

Baby Update

I went for an ultrasound this morning to measure the baby's weight (totally approximate, most people I know have been somewhat-to-way off). She's weighing in at 2.900 kg, which is totally on target, and also totally basically full term. Kind of scary, thinking that I could possibly have another month to go at least, if I go until 42 weeks. Ben says unlikely, but you never know. Aughgh!

Other news- amniotic fluid is low. Not dangerously, but I'm going back next week to get it measured again. Maybe they'll induce early or even better maybe an emergency C section. A large part of me is still dreading having to push this baby out.

I do think we are finally ready. As of last week, we had nothing. 2 vacation days this week bought me lots of toiletries, nursing supplies, a new rocking chair (Ben thought we were getting a hanglider when I said "glider", so we don't use that word to avoid confusion). Also Ben put together the crib, moved the changing table into the baby's room. We are still re-arranging the things in Eden's room, but if we had the baby tomorrow (or today!), I'd feel prepared.

Baby Registry

Before Eden was born, we needed EVERYTHING. And, unfortunately, couldn't afford much. So when we registered, or were asked for gift suggestions, we said - basics. Clothing. Necessary furniture. Stroller. Car seat. Books. Etc. And when we bought things, we bought the cheapest thing we found first.
This time around, things are (thank God) a bit different. We have most everything already. I have a closet full of piles of baby clothes to sort and fold. (Of course we could use more. I think every baby deserves some outfits that were bought for HER and aren't 4.5 years old....). We have a crib, changing table, high chair, baby carrier, car seat, stroller. And what we don't have, or what was so junky we've already thrown it out, we are happy to buy again - newer and better quality. Living in a bigger city, we also have access to better stores.
But of course, the US is the den of consumerism, and I am a sucker for gadgets. Also, I had some good ideas for toys for Eden. So I started a very small baby registry for things that are small and packable/shippable from the US, battery powered if electric, useful, and fun, and not easily accessible here, or MUCH more expensive if so.
There isn't much on there just yet. Suggestions welcome.

The Great Barbie Debate

We're there. I have a four year old daughter, and another one on the way (SOON!!!) and am thinking of some good big-sis presents. Presents that say Eden on them, presents that she can play with by herself, feel big, and not be reminded that there is a screaming small thing in the other room taking up much of her mommy's and daddy's attention.
Hence, books about being a big sister are great. But they do kind of rub salt in the wound I think. Same goes for baby doll things for little kids, like the moby wrap I saw for kids and little strollers and cradles, etc.
Trying to brainstorm some other gifts, I came up with Barbies. True, Barbies also have lots of small pieces, but she's right at the age where she can dress them herself. The other day she wanted to cut one of her dolls hair - she wanted it "little, like yours". I said no....as it is, she puts leave in conditioner in them, which can't be great for it.
Anywhoo - do I really want to introduce Barbies? We had them as kids, and I can't say my body image is so terrible. True, not great, but don't see how it could have been much better by not having Barbies. And they are durable, versatile, you can buy them endless outfits, there are Kens and Barbie babies and who knows what else to add to the collection. This is something that could last years.
On the other hand, the image of naked Barbies lying around the house really does make me cringe. They will need to be dressed at all times, except while bathing or getting dressed....just like Eden. No lounging in the nude is allowed for Barbie.
Any thoughts?

Babble

I found a new site to waste time on. No really, something finally to replace Slate, which was getting boring, not enough new content, sensationalist, and sometimes a little inappropriate to read at work. And its embarrassing how much time I spend on facebook.
And so I found Babble.com, a mommy site that says me all over it. Nobody here hawking unrealistic opinions about how much money you've got to have saved before thinking about trying to get pregnant (Really, I read one message board post about how you've got to have at least 200K+ in the bank, or you are setting yourselves up for poverty and doing your future children a serious wrong. Right, so Eden would not have been born, and I would not be pregnant now.) Also no one here trying to explain why I've got to eat X and not Y, or that giving my kid too many sweets or not enough extracurricular is going to end up with her in expensive therapy.
Currently, I've got 8 tabs open that I want to read. Articles that I'm actually really interested in, instead of feigning interest in someone's weird problems on Dear Prudence. Which may be somewhat interesting for a moment, but not really informative.

Some of their interesting features are some great top 5's, like top 5 strollers -( Sarah, you've got competition! You should join them I think), top 5 play kitchens, top 5 thermometers. Did you know they sell 3 packs of forehead therms in the states for like $5? Thats what I want, we are always losing ours.

Also a column called WTF. I think that this is really progressive. I mean, who really heard of a serious magazine, even online, with a cussword in the title? Even in acronym....but its got some weird stuff. Like a japanese doll that comes with her own nursing vest. So that the girl who plays with her can feed her too, just like mommy. Sucking noises and everything. WEIRD!! On the side they refer to a kid's moby wrap, which i think is a lot more practical.

Nice column on equal parenting. For parents who split breadwinning and childraising and home management down the middle. I like to think we do this quite well, and it works for us, and I'm really proud of it. There are some things that are certainly my job and some things that are certainly his, but we are both prepared to switch when push comes to shove. And we know how. I mean, except for budgeting and money management...you kind of need to know how to add and subtract really well to keep track of that. Yeah, that's not me.

Some good columns recently on how to beat the heat in the city with a toddler. What is good spacing between kids. That formula is not poison. And a great interview with Penelope Leach, who says unequivocally that full time mommying is not best for everyone.

Anyhoo. Head on over, or watch my facebook links. I'll be sharing links regularly I think - I like pretty much everything I read on babble.

Independence, Here I Come

Today was a fast day. Admittedly, I didn't fast, but I did have a tiring day at work, and Ben was of course fasting. So when Eden and I came home, we set her up with a movie pretty quickly, and chilled on the couch together. Eden came down when her movie was done, and we asked her to make sure to turn the A/C off before she came downstairs. It's really just a push of a button, its the largest button on the remote, and she likes to push those buttons anyway.

When we went back upstairs after she'd gone to bed, we realized that she'd not only turned off the A/C correctly but also:
1) Turned the screen off
2) Took the DVD out of the player
3) Put the DVD back in it's case
4) Put the DVD case back on the shelf.

All of her own volition! Wow! A kid I don't have to clean up after anymore!

A couple other milestones: Eden can now reach the light switch, and the hooks for our bags and coats.

This means a few things - that we need REALLY need to teach her not to turn the lights on and off on Shabbat, and that, at least when it's not Shabbat, to always turn the light off when she leaves a room. Also, she now makes a habit of hanging up her backpack when she comes home instead of leaving it on the floor. Pretty, pretty cool.

On the flip side, she knows where the permanent marker is that we use to write her name on her water bottles. She also knows how to write her own name, and does so - on all the water bottles she takes to gan (we switch them weekly). So we usually trust her with the marker, and think nothing of leaving it accessible. Except that it's red, and today she thought it would make an excellent color for lipstick. Which it does, and she applies it well for a four-year old. But its permanent marker. Luckily, we were able to scrub it off, or she'd have been particularly pretty this Shabbat, in her own way.

Off topic - on the baby front, there is something always going on in my belly. Or at least it seems that way. Either its Braxton-Hicks of the type that are enough to wind me, or I sit and rest and drink water to calm the Braxtons and the baby wakes up and wants to play. Its very tiring. Enough to almost make me want to fast Tish'a B'Av and go into labor early. A co-worker pointed out that Ben might not want to drive me to the hospital and be a supportive labor coach while on the worst fast of the year. I suppose I'll have to agree.

Guilt, School Age Version

Tomorrow is Eden's last day of gan this year. Wednesday she has one day of vacation (wow!) and then Thursday starts daycamp.

She came home today with 2 big packets of "avodot" - her year's work. Two big packets of fours drawn over and over, and samech's and ayin's. Lines drawn from the picture of two girls to the number 2. Etc.

Eden worked hard on these. She's proud of them - as am I! I can't believe my girl knows how to write a 2 and 5 perfectly. But do I really need to keep them? How much of this stuff can I keep? I throw out most of her drawings week to week...even the good stuff she does at home. She can go through an entire notebook in a couple of sittings. Really, I can't keep all of it. I know that she gets disappointed when I throw them out, so I try to do it when she's not looking. Sometimes I make her help me clean up the mess (especially when she's been doing cut art), and it feels a little sadistic. Making an artist throw away her afternoon's work. But really, its trash.

Two whole notebooks of work though. Can I really throw it out? How can I keep it? How can I set that sort of precedent? Will she be forever angry at me for not appreciating her efforts? What's the "done" thing here?

Spooksville

Eden knew I was pregnant before I did (granted, she also had thought I was having a baby for the entire year beforehand...this had nothing to do with the size of my tummy).
She also claims to "know" that it's a girl.
As in:
Me: "You know, even though the doctor says it's a girl, the only one who really knows is God.
Eden: "And me. It's a girl."

But tonight took the cake. See we've already chosen a name for the baby if it's a girl, and, well, Eden didn't guess it, but she came pretty close.

Let's say we've chosen the name Dina (we didn't). Eden has no friends named Dina. I don't know if she's ever heard the name before.

And she was playing with the phone, and brought it to Ben, and said, "Say hello to Dina!" We were floored. Why would she choose that name? Was it in a story they told today at gan? Is that a coincidence? Or does she really have some sort of a sense? She proceeded to tell us to talk to Dina's mommy and daddy...and that Dina had a little girl. Ooookay.

They say children under six have ruach hakodesh.....spooky.

I expected the worst and came out pleasantly suprised

This evening could have been a disaster. We almost didn't go, and I was bracing myself for the worst, most tiring, frustrating, and physically uncomfortable night ever.
We went to buy a closet.
We've been wanting to put a closet in the future baby's room for some time now. Our experience with buying furniture in Israel has included Shuk Hapishpushim, Ikea, Ramat Gan furniture area, internet shopping, Beitili, the Modiin list, and an adorable little mom-and-pop store where we bought Eden's bed a few years ago. Most of it has been: hot, exsausting, expensive and/or low quality, and we didn't want to do any of that again.
I expected our trip to the Rishon Letzion "Israel Furniture Center" (Mercaz Rihutim HaYisraeli) to be much the same. Especially when we were taking Eden (in the car, which she doesn't especially like), after gan, at exactly dinner, bath, and bed time. I was already hot, swollen and uncomfortable, I didn't expect it to get much better.
But what a suprise. I didn't know this place existed, and no more are we going anywhere else for any other piece of furniture. It's a huge indoor souk of furniture - couches, tables, chairs, lounges, closets, bedroom sets, you name it. It's spread out over this huge area, each store owner having a nebulous corner to call his own, or sprawling all of his goods over a whole section. You could get lost. There is no map, no organization. The bathroom stall had neither toilet paper nor a working lock, and was up 2 flights of steep steps. It was not air conditioned. In short, it could have been horrible.
But it wasn't - it was one of the most interesting and enjoyable experiances I remember having in Israel.
We wandered around for a short while before what we wanted caught our eye. We had no recommendations to go on, but decided to ask about it anyway. The guy's name is Tony (yes he's Israeli!) and was friendly, patient, and helpful. It wasn't crowded and we were his only customer at the time, and he was able to give us his undivided attention.
I let Eden roam, check out the different couches and beds, while we decided on what we wanted. There wern't that many people in the area at all, and the neighboring shop owner came to give us advise and explain about the different wood types, and what was better (they don't compete - the other guy sells living room furniture only). Of course, we got to talking, playing some Jewish geography. He lived in Monsey for years. His 20 year old son, Danny, lives in Livingston, NJ with his mom, but is here visiting for the summer, and was there also. Eden got a bit bored with the couches, so Danny sat down with her and taught her to play chess. I haven't heard such a thick NJ accent in years. You'd almost think it was fake. Eden was delighted to make a friend and I think she knows that he let her win.
Maybe the two shop owners - Tony and the guy next door - make it a habit of recommending eachother. He made it a point to tell me that Tony did quality work, and that we were getting something well worth our money. And that he wasn't going to overcharge us - he would make the shekels stretch. I told him what a good kid Danny seemed to be, how much he clearly loved kids.
So we will see. Our closet arrives within 14 days. Its got tall hanging on the left, with 2 shelves above, and 4 drawers and shelves on the right. Tony said that if we ever wanted to add onto it in the future, it would not be a problem to add on from the same style, so I felt confident about buying only what we need now, and not worrying about later.
Maybe I'm wrong - I've been a bad judge of character before - but it seems to me that these people are the real thing. It doesn't seem that Tony's out to cheat us (we did no haggling), it does seem that he wants to be able to satisfy his customers. Until we actually have it built, I won't really recommend him, but I will say that he gave a mighty good impression. And I'm quite the cynic, not easy to impress, and salespeople usually have an especially difficult time.
On the way home, we kept the windows open and Eden loved that we went fast on the highway. The entire evening could have been much much much worse. We were out for almost 3 hours. But it really wasn't; it was enjoyable and we'll also have a new closet in about 2 weeks!

Hooray! I can start nesting!

On the search again

So I admit, I'm fairly easily persuaded. I sit on the fence on enough important issues, that you can debate me either way with most things, and, barring rape, theft, and murder, I may agree that you have a point. I may not agree with your point, may have different moral points of view, but I will accept that its a valid and legitimate argument.

So this afternoon when my friends sitting at the park with me said that it was a terrible idea to do a couple things I was sure that I'd do, it was pretty easy for me to agree with them. I mean 4 out of 4 is not nothing.

No great moral quandaries here - really its just money. But in a country where not getting cheated is a national sport, it really is a moral obligation to be careful. And we don't have all the money in the world to just throw at people who ask for it.

So. I'm on the lookout again for another midwife. And another day care. Apparently it really is ridiculous for anyone to ask for more than a deposit on a child at a daycare, maximum a month's pay. Also it's unheard of to charge for an initial consultation with a midwife, AND ask that you come to her.

So here's my strategy, and it involves lots of phone calls and effort. #1 - posted a message on the local email list. Can't hurt. #2 - calling Dyada tomorrow, a nationwide organization that supports pregnant woman, childbirth, and babyhood. They have birthing courses, perhaps they also have a listing of area midwives. #3 - calling the very few midwives listed on www.leida.co.il - actually 2 I've already called. One of them never calls back (not a promising trait in a midwife) and the other doesn't do hospital births, but recommended me to her friend who charges NIS 300 just to meet her. I suppose I could do better.

After that... I don't know. About the childcare..... I don't know. First thing I suppose is sort out more of a plan and attack this in a sensible, efficient way. Give it effort, it's worth it. It's just very aggravating to have to make an effort. Especially when you weigh lots more than you did last summer, and it is very very very hot.

Also on my list for tomorrow is making a dentist appointment for Eden. Whatever else comes, she will get her teeth cleaned before this baby is born.

Follow up

So I went and interviewed my friends caretaker. And I really liked her! She is a warm, loving, South American grandmother. I'll probably have some ifs, but I would anywhere, and in terms of quality of care, quantity of attention and love, and location location location, we really couldn't do better.
She isn't even that expensive, except that, she is asking us to pay full price starting in December, and 1/3 of the price for Sept, Oct, and Nov, to reserve the place. I understand her point of view, this is after all her income, and she can't afford to find out in December that I don't think I'll need her until February, or something like that. Nor can she afford to lose an entire quarter's income. But still, oh boy, what if I don't decide to go back until March? It's a gamble I suppose.

We could look into other options. But it would probably mean a longer walk and less quality of care, or paying much much much more and getting a private nanny, which isn't really my style either. That really does feel too bourgeoisie. So I think we may go with this woman - nothing is perfect after all. Got to get a move on though about it.

Meanwhile, I STILL have not met with my midwife. We've spoken on the phone a bunch of times. She always says she'll call me back, but rarely does. I must say, I hope she'll be more available at week 37 than she is at week 27. If we ever do meet (before I go into labor that is), I'll definitely raise it as a real issue. Thinking about trying to look around for others, but really not interested in expending the effort again, I just want to meet with this one.

And in 2 weeks, I have an ultrasound to measure the baby! Whoo hoo! Everyone keeps mentioning how huge I am. Thanks, its really appreciated. Funny, I had a feeling that I was carrying 2/3 of my weight in the space between the ribs and my thighs, and another 1/4 in my ankles, but good to get a second opinion to verify it. Next time, how bout trying something like, wow, you look fantastic! Really, you are just blossoming, you look so beautiful. And that color really brings out your eyes. So far, only one friend other than Ben has said anything remotely like that. Honestly, it was refreshing. Most others say things like, wow, you are big for 26 weeks! Will you make it? You look very tired. Are you drinking enough? You'd better take it easy.

I had a dream the other night that we had the ultrasound, the baby was just massive, and also breech, and the dr said, oh boy this is going to be a tough delivery. It also being a VBAC, he offered to schedule a C-section and I scooped it up! We scheduled the birth for 2 weeks before my due date, right smack in the middle of Eden's August vacation, and I didn't have to worry about what I was going to do with her for the last week in August either. No, this was not a nightmare, I think it was almost a daydream.

I am NOT superstitious

Really, I'm not. I don't believe in the evil eye, bad luck - or good luck for that matter. I don't believe in red strings, blue glass eye beads, or any of the other Jewish-ish ideas that have developed. I think they're pagan.

I do believe in psychology, and the power of convincing yourself of something. Self-fulfilling prophecies, that sort of thing. Be optimistic, I say! At least you'll worry less.

But I think that even I draw the line at signing my unborn baby up for childcare for after I go back to work. Maybe we'll win the lottery and I won't go back to work (I know ... you can't win if you don't play...). But also, maybe, Gd forbid, the baby will need me home and I won't go back to work. Or .. something else. And I'm not superstitious, but it just doesn't seem right. Not fair that I should have to think about this.

I don't mind buying things for the baby. (Ben - we need to build that closet!) The room will be ready well before I go to the hospital, crib built and all. But childcare? I really don't want to think about it.

But, see I'm just nervous that we'll miss our chance. We live in a city that is a baby-making machine, and supposedly its not easy to find a good spot. And we have some limitations - namely that it needs to be within walking distance, preferably on the same street as Eden's gan. We're a one car family (by choice? I think?) and Ben taking the kids in the morning needs to not turn into an hour long walk around the neighborhood. And also, really it's got to be safe. Ie, no dangling curtain cords. No legos on the floor where she might eat them. Decent food... no chocolate for children under 1? Or gummy bears before she has any teeth? Ideally, some pureed vegies with breast milk or formula, maybe some rice cereal. Ok you get the point.

My friend sends her daughter to a place across the street from Eden's gan. She takes 4 babies only. And is normally priced. And is safe, warm and loving. Sounds good. She also has only one spot left....

Do I take it?! Do I actually sign my unborn baby up for a childcare starting December? Really not sure. I think I'll call her, but I don't like it. It's a bit icky.

Other friends (including Ben) say not to worry and we'll find something. Just walk up and down the street and we'll find someone. Or we'll just pay through the nose for a private nanny and spend the NEXT year dealing with all the baby's colds and separation anxiety. Not so much fun either.

Yech......I'd rather just sit here and feel the baby kick me more.

I love this shirt!

A cousin of ours took this picture of one of his students. I love it!


Especially speaks to me, since I'm so much younger than most of my co-workers (26 to their mid 30's-50's!). I often get self conscious about it. I'm willing to admit that I'm ageist, but hope that I won't be when kids half my age start to move quickly through the corporate ladder.

My diamond fell out

No, not the one on my finger. That one is secured with six gold prongs, so nervous was I when we got engaged. Rather, the one I had in my nose has gone missing.

When I got my nose pierced again last year, I didn't want any of the dinky nezemim (nose rings in hebrew) that they sell here on every street corner. I also didn't want the big clunky and annoyingly ugly ones that they sell at most piercing stores here. I wanted something tasteful and solid, and also not cheap. If I'm going to wear jewelry, it may as well be good.

So after doing some research, we ordered a few online from the US, including one with a cubic zirconia that was not like $3. It wasn't that expensive either, I mean it's teeny. But it had a gold setting, matches with everything, and was really comfortable. And I really really loved it.

And now one year later, I came home from work to find that the stone fell out. It could be anywhere, and its just not worth looking for it. I've looked in the stores around here, and there is nothing but the little dinky ones that keep falling out. Granted, I haven't yet been to the piercings stores in Tel Aviv or Jlem, so I may still find one I like there. But I think that its a little silly that they aren't sold or made as quality jewelry. I'm thinking about commisioning one. How 6th century would that be?

It seems to me that nose rings just haven't entered the realm of classic jewelry. The kind you buy at the nice regular jewelry shops. I wouldn't mind paying for a good piece, and it's annoying that I can't. Especially in this country where every fourth woman and her mother (ok that's not scientific...but there are a LOT) has her nose pierced. I feel like I run into just as many people - women and men! - with facial piercings as I do pregnant women. That ought to be reflected in the market also.

I think I'm on the lookout for a jewler who works with stones and gold.