My Thoughts About Fasting

I don't like it.
I also don't think I'm very alone in this feeling - most people I know would prefer a full belly to an empty one, in general. Some make exception for religious fasts, and some agree with me - we still don't like it.

Not only do I not like it, but I don't get it really. Being that I'm towards the end of a pretty easy fast (I woke up at 5 AM to have coffee and cereal), I'll try to explain coherently. I wonder how many Orthodox Jews agree with me? Who can convince me otherwise? I'm all ears.

My question is - what is the purpose of the fast? As I've been taught, it's meant to provoke a feeling of seriousness , introspection, atonement.

Which might be very well and good if I lived in a vacuum, just for the day even, and could spend it in seriousness, introspection and atonement. And even then, I find myself faltering at about now - 5:25 PM - and think that a drink of water or a small cracker would do wonders for my capabilities of self-analysis, forgiveness of others, and focusing on the wrongs in the world and within ourselves. I'm not talking about a full course meal here, a piece of bread and some water would be fine. Stale bread would do as well.

Aside - we could have a whole market of "fast day food". It would come pre-packaged, in appropriate sizes. Not too much - we want that growling stomach to remind us of whatever it is we are supposed to be thinking about. But just enough to get the brain cells going. And a small cup of water, just enough to see that our breath doesn't smell and others can stand to allow us to open our mouths around them. Packaged in recycled materials of course so that we can be sure of our morality at least on a fast day.

Back the point I was making. I don't live at the times that these fasts were enacted, and I can't say what the working man was doing then. But now, in 2008, I really can't skip out on work for a religous fast. (Yom Kippur - yes, but that is Shabbat Shabbaton, and we don't drive, use electricity, or manage money. But I'll get to Yom Kippur specifically in a minute.) Maybe if I were really dedicated to my religon and the inspiration provided for me by the fast, I would take advantage of Eden's pre-school and take the vacation day and spend it in study, introspection, and prayer. I guess I'm just not that dedicated enough. It might be nice to live in a world where I could be. I'd probably get there at the same time that I take off for Chol Hamoed, enjoying the holiday spirit with my family, instead of working my butt off to make up for the work missed because I'm home with Eden who does not have pre-school during Chol Hamoed. Not that I don't love being home with Eden, but I just don't have enough vacation days to take off for every Jewish 1/2 holiday and fast day. Even with my Israeli-govt given holidays. If one day I do have the vacation days? I might really think about it. Although I do admit it will be difficult to trade that for a month in Venice.

What did the working man (or woman!!) do? Did they really fast and work in the fields at the same time? Tishrei is harvest time - did they really let the fields go for the day while they studied, prayed, and introspected? Or did they spend the entire day in the fields with no drink or food?

Granted I did not spend the day in the fields. But I did spend a good hour on the Israeli high-ways while fasting. Seems I was tireder than I thought and I should have left earlier or had a caffiene pill. It might be argued that driving tired and hungry on the Israeli highways might be compared to working in the middle-eastern fields while fasting.

This post is taking the long way around. I blame the lack of glutens. Excuse me. What I'm trying to say is that I don't know if these fasts were really meant for everyone. For all time. We just aren't the same people with the same abilities that we once were. We have to work on fast days and not everyone is up to it. Not everyone has the ability to take the time off.

The second thing I wanted to say is about being a mom. Thank God we have some movies for Eden to watch, or we would never have gotten through 9 Av. Thank God I have a Ben who is watching a movie with Eden now, or I wouldn't be writing this post - I'd be watching with her. Is this really what I want to teach her - that fast days are movie days because Mommy can't deal with active parenting? Someone important died, great lets get Disney out. Seriously, seriously not. And what to do on Yom Kippur? For Eden, its just another day that we go to shul, pray, don't color or watch movies, don't braid hair. And on top of that ALSO don't go to the park because Mommy and Daddy are really not with it. For me, its just another day of trying to keep Eden busy and happy while not using electronics, or the park. And also not eating or drinking, and trying my hardest to get some prayer in!

To finally get to my Yom Kippur points, this is the hardest. Fasting on Yom Kippur really does nothing for me. If anything, it angers me a bit, which is not something I want to be doing on our Day of Atonement. If God wants me to atone - if I want me to atone - why fast? Fasting makes me irritable, tired, cranky. Not open to self-criticism. It doesn't make me feel holy, it makes me feel hungry. (To be fair, I think I really did have good Yom Kippurs back when I had only me to think about, and only me my relationship with God and my people to focus on. How terribly selfish.)

Do other working moms get more out of fasting than I do? I wish I knew, and I wish I knew how. I'm talking about without high-holiday babysitting, that seems to be a Young Israel-invented luxury. Maybe people with more spirituality than myself. I have to try hard to make room for religon in my life - which I do because I think its important, and I generally enjoy it - but its very difficult to make room for religous fasting on top of that.

You might say that religon isn't all enjoyable. Sometimes we do it as a sacrifice, a pennance. That the purpose isn't atonement, but rather accepting the yoke of God. Better spend the day sleeping in bed because you have no energy from the fast, than to eat a small bit and have the ability to stand all day in prayer. Its possible, but it doesn't seem to make me a better person, and I feel no better afterwards for having done it for those reasons.

I fast because I'm an Orthodox Jew and we fast on certain days. And I've chosen to be part of a community, and am generally happy about my choice. I think there is a good amount of flexibility found in Orthodox Judaism today (sometimes you have to look hard!), and this is one of our rules. You want to be a part of the community, accept the communities fasts. And I understand the neccesity of something so extreme that it carries forth throughout generations. A fast will do this - study and introspection and anything else dependant on the individual will not. All the same, I really can't agree with it. Fasting doesn't seem to do for me what it sounds like its supposed to. I can't imagine that I'm the only one who thinks this way.

Conclusion: I think fasting is something that needs to be rethought a bit. Its a pretty radical conclusion, seeing as fasting is indicated in the Torah itself. But there must be other, serious minded Modern Orthodox Jews who are having similar thoughts, and I'm curious to where it can go. Traditions for the sake of tradition are only so strong, and are bound to break. I'm all for keeping the meaning of the tradition alive, but I think we need to find a new way to do this. Suggestions welcome.