Bug Stories

I'm getting a bug. Actually 2 - For about a week and a half now, I've been coming down with a cold. Does that make it that I already have a cold, just a small one? Will it get worse and blossom into a full blow cold?

Also I'm getting a party bug. I've got this itch to have a party. It happens every now and then. We've got this great roof that is perfect for it, and although its a bit cold up there now, it doesn't really rain (not a good thing really), and wouldn't it be so much fun to rent those heaters like they have in outdoor restaurants! The heat from them is so cozy.

It may have something to do with the holiday spirit in the air. Thanksgiving has come and gone (twice! One with local family and one with non-local family. By non-local, I mean down a few exits on the highway, not across an ocean. Local is down the street.) Hanukkah is on its way - you can tell by the donuts that Roladin makes (my fav place to go out for a work-lunch), including pistachio, arak, and coconut. Also my birthday - did I mention that its in a month? I like birthdays, and even though this isn't a particularly big one, it makes for fun times.

And one good real bug story. Yesterday while cleaning upstairs, I noticed a dead beetle. We get them sometimes. At least it wasn't a roach, which - Thank God! - we've never had in this apt. Anyway it was really big, like half the size of my thumb. I decided I was going to sweep it up no matter how gross it was. Because I'm independent and I can do these things. But really, I couldn't. I just. Could. Not. Get. Close. I even screeched. No, really I screamed, it was that gross.

So Ben came to get it for me of course, grumbling all the way on what a big deal I was making out of it. Eden of course came up to see what was the matter, and he showed her the bug, and how cool it was underneath. Last year she would have been very interested! But now, of course, she's a big girl, and she knows better. We girls scream at bugs. So she dutifully said, "Ew, Daddy, take it away! I don't like that! Daddy! Ew!" Good for you, Eden. Remember - one important reason for getting married is to have someone committed to getting the bugs for you.

New lows?

For dinner tonight, Ben and I had cold cuts, french fries, and peas.

Eden had string cheese, apple juice, corn flakes and ketchup (No milk - yes, ketchup ON the corn flakes. Her idea.), and and one chocolate covered raisin.

How much ketchup do you put on cornflakes? Do you drown them, like in milk? Or are they a kind of a dip? What if the cornflakes are towards the bottom of the box and are kind of crumbly?

Do I feel better about the single raisin or worse because it was chocolate covered?

My First Meme

Whoo Hoo! You know you're truly part of a blogosphere when you get tagged in a meme, and not just take one when someone says "Consider yourself tagged if you'd like to be."

So, here it is! I got tagged by my good friend triLcat. While the subject matter is somewhat boring and reminiscent of office ice breaker games, she came up with some good ones.
Here goes. Sometimes I take myself too seriously.

Here are the rules:
1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people (if possible) at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.

=======
Seven things about me:

1. I am so much of a control freak that I wouldn't let Ben surprise me with a marriage proposal and a ring.
   
2. I also hate surprise parties, although I'd secretly love Ben to throw one for my birthday (in less than a month, hint hint!) But only if he was sure that I'd LOVE it. So I can settle for something slightly less challenging.
3. While that may sound a little scary and off-putting, I generally consider myself pretty open minded and accepting, when it comes to other people. I think I'm accepting of some things that others wouldn't stand for. Some people reading this may disagree, and this does not apply in some specific situations, only generally.
   
4. Growing up, I never wanted to be a mom, and I hated babysitting.
   
5. I wanted to study art academically.
   
6. In high school, I collected quotes on my binders, written in white out pen.
   
7. I really really really miss some of my old friends. If you're out there, I'm sorry that we are so out of touch that we don't really understand each other anymore.
   

People I tag:
No one.

Sorry to break the link, people. I hate chain letters and I feel terrible for passing them on. If you'd like to take this meme, feel free. If you are new to blogging and no one has tagged you in a meme yet, please take this one.

Reading this over again, I also realized that very few of these things are actual facts, and are more just impressions of myself. Oh well, its a fact that I feel a certain way. Take that.

Some thoughts on living remotely

Check out Bedlam Farm's Brooklyn pictures. He comments on how far away he is from everything at his farm in upstate NY, and how he is struck by the options people have at their fingertips in the city. Advantage of driving an hour and a half to get to anything: He gets to listen to a lot of music.

True that - people who do a lot of driving, or a lot of traveling for that matter, whether by train, car, or foot, and listen to music while doing so, have a great advantage. I listen to music all the time in the car, I need it to keep me awake. But I do admit that I could have a better selection. For ease of use, I just keep it on galgalatz, whose choices may be less than ideal. Ideally, I'd have it linked to one of those internet radio stations that keeps dynamic, depending on what you tell it that you like. That would be fun.

A part of me would love to live out in the middle of nowhere, but I do need my life at my fingertips. I like that my dr, pharmacy, medical center, dentist are all down the street, in addition to a great kiosk that has even recently been supplying fruits and vegies! Thats cool. The mall is a 10 min walk. And my friends - well some are just around the corner. For others, I have Facebook.

No System, No System At All

I have no toy system. There I've said it, I'm sorry to say that I have absolutely no system for cleaning up Eden's toys. Most of the rest of the house, there is at least a system, even if it doesn't always work. But toys - I am at a loss.

We have books, and hair-clips, and shoelaces, and blocks, and little people spread all over the living room. I guess we don't really have a playroom to dump all these things in, but I wouldn't really want Eden playing in there anyway, I like it when she plays in the living room, where we play too. And most of the time I just cannot bear to make her clean it up every night before she goes to bed - no actually its almost never that I do. Either she has built some beautiful castle. Or her kitchen is just such a mess, it takes just as much time to clean up as mine does. And her crayons and cuttings and scissors and glue - they are just such a staple that it seems a shame to put away, because they are so easy for her to pick up and do by herself. Actually, also, when we put those things away, we usually throw them away, and she can't bear to throw them away. I have to do it later, after she's long forgotten that she's ever made them.

An aside - (I know I keep mentioning this, but hey its my right) her artistic creations are really quite nice. She's got talent. So its hard for me to throw them away too. But you just cannot keep all the things that a 3 year old makes. Its a problem, with an especially creative 3 year old. We just threw out the "slippers" she made in gan for Yom Kippur.

She uses hair clips to connect ribbons and shoelaces, because she can't tie knots yet.

Her toys and books actually do all have homes, in her room. Funnily enough she cannot go to sleep with anything on the floor in her room, or anything out of place in her room - even a closet door not closed - so its easier for any mess to stay out of the room. And I'd prefer to have her eat, bathe, and get to sleep before collapsing than make her clean her mess up.

Hence, the lack of system, and the big piles of children's books, toy kitchen supplies, ribbons connected by hair clips, stuffed animals, fake jewelry, and other such treasures currently piled up, blocking the corner of my beautiful breakfront. I'm just happy I have somewhere to put my feet on the floor, but I do wish they would get put away more often.

We Voted!

That is, Eden, Ben, and I. This is only the 2nd time I've ever voted in Israel. Its pretty antiquated, but that's OK. No voting machines here - human error all the way!

I thought it would be a good experience in civil duty for Eden, so we spoke about it a lot. Like how the mayor (no not her friend Meir, but mayor, as in Rosh Hair) was like a gannenet, except that everyone in the city gets to choose the gannenet. (please no jokes about nanny states)
And how voting was like, if she and another friend wanted to go on the swings, but a third wanted to go on a slide, they got to go on the swings because 2 is more than 1. We do math and civics together here.

She was pretty excited about it - it was apparently the first thing she asked about this morning. And aside from the screaming all the way home because she wanted to go to ANOTHER school too, it was fun.

I remember going with my mom once to vote when I was young. It's empowering, its important, and it feels good to teach her about democracy.

I love the rain!!!

I love the rain. Not really so much in February, when everyone is sick of winter and wants to go to the beach already, but now, in October. I'm sitting with the window open listening to the rain on our porch and it is just the most delicious sound I have ever heard.

Me loving the rain is I think one of the reasons why I have this blog. Most people would grow tired of hearing about how much I love the rain quite quickly. Here I can express it to my hearts content (since my readership is close to nil anyway), and not worry that I'm boring anyone. If you're bored, you'll browse away. Just come back soon please.

More boring information - we had a terrific dinner tonight. Ben suggested we use up our stovetop chicken and veggies in a tomato sauce over shells. Such a great idea, and it tasted really good. We had peas and baby corn and onions, as well as lots of yummy chicken juice.

And....we got some of our posters framed!! Ben and I as singles were both really big on posters, still love art, our house is covered with it. And we have some really terrific posters that we always hung, but never framed, because it just was never in the budget. I mean, frames? Who has money for that? We just hung them without the frames. But now, after painting, we really didn't want to make holes in the wall if we were just going to move them later, so we decided not to put anything up until it had a frame on it. So we framed our Dali's Aliah, our Zeev Raban's Come to Palestine, and our Monet's San Giorgio Maggiore at Sunset. The Monet Ben bought on our first date (not for me, I just helped him pick it out), so it holds a special place in our hearts.

There is something about framing our posters that makes me feel like - this is it. We're here, we've made it. Money comes and money goes, but if we can feel comfortable enough to frame our posters, we are doing all right.

So Thank God for rain, Thank God for frames. And Thank God for Ben's chicken recipes.

Eden and Her Music

I think that sometimes its hard to think of little kids as anything but bits of mom and bits of dad. Sometimes I find myself watching Eden and thinking - wow, that's just like me, or that's just like Ben. And I'm surprised when she does things that are totally herself. Actually, now that I think of it, I rarely see things that are totally herself, I see Ben's parents in her, especially now that she spends so much time with them. I see my own parents, and even my grandparents in her.
For example, she's got a smile that comes straight from my Bubbe, and it warms my heart to see it.

And the other night, when she wanted to show me a picture she had drawn, I told her to bring it here. She said, no, you come here. We both stretched and only just could not reach each other. She learned that I can out-stubborn her, even if I am perhaps the only person that can. I've got 22 years of stubbornness on her, and its going to be a long time until she truly wins a staring contest.*

That all probably ought to change, and soon. But in the meantime, one thing that she gets from Ben is his music. He listens to the nuttiest music! Aside from the regular GD, Phish (both of which he listened to non-stop for the first 2 years of our marriage, utterly ruining my music appreciation), Dylan, DMB, regular-kinds-of-things, he's got Tyrannosaurus Rex, Skip Spence, Artcic Monkeys, Anthony and the Johnsons, Carla Bruni, Beirut, Love, My Morning Jacket, Songs-Ohia, and Spain. Oh, and must include The Thermals also. I never listen to any of these, unless he's in the room and puts it on.

I keep to my angry-bitch music, like prolific Ani Difranco and calming Tracy Chapman, and the ever easy, companionable Gal-Gal-Galatz.

I also love Wikipedia :)

Eden's not so big any of my music, and prefers T-Rex and especially dancing to Phish. We are all musical products of our parents music. I wonder what she will listen to when she gets older?

* I do let her win every now and then. It helps keep the thunder at bay.

Saba Tuvia for Mayor!

Its election fever here in Modiin, and almost every building has at least one campaign sign hanging from a porch gate.
One candidate, Doron Shuldenfrei, happens to look somewhat similar to one of Eden's favorite DVD characters - Saba Tuvia.

See for yourself -
Saba Tuvia:Doron:
Ok, so really, they are only just both bald with glasses. But in the dark, looking from the street to a sign that's three stories up, to our 3 year old its the same person.

Needless to say, Eden would now also like a "Saba Tuva" sign swinging from our porch!

And imagine if we had Saba Tuvia running our city council!

I wonder how many other parents of 3 yr olds here wonder the same thing....

Some More Bits on Schools

The holidays have allowed me time for reading, surfing, blogging. There is still lots to clean up, but we are just going to make a mess again over the next Shabbat-Hag-Shabbat, so I might as well clean it somewhat before Shabbat - why now?

Just read a post at adderabbi, who happens to live here in Modiin, about Chareidi teachers, such as Eden's. He's right - the best and the brightest don't go into medicine or law, they go into teaching. Which is fine with me, except that we risk raising another generation of Chareidi leaning children.

But, as Ben says, if you never teach your child shtuss, they will never learn to question.

Was discussing ganim with some friends, where I found that in the regular city ganim, only the boys are chazanim also, so it's not only Eden's Chareidi gan. Which made me feel better about her relative education, but leaves me questioning the system in general. Not that the system here differs that much idealogically than center-right Orthodox education worldwide. I wonder what sort of an effect leading group prayers has a on a child. What if I had been allowed to daven for the ammud in 5-8th grade? Points to ponder.

Nature or Nurture?

Overheard from downstairs:
Eden: "But I don't like the grilled cheese."
Ben: "Well then what would you like to eat?"
Eden: "I don't know."
Ben: "Let's go look in the fridge."
Eden: "I need to make a list."

Have a problem that needs a solution? Make a list!

Moments like this make me proud.

In an Alternate Life

Job opp advertised on the nefeshbnefesh email list. Once upon a time, I trained as a librarian, and if I had a different life, different family, different social, financial, and personal needs, I might have made this a realistic goal. At the moment, I can only dream and keep at my technical writing, which fulfills a good amount of my actual social, financial, and personal needs. Oh, and be grateful for what I have instead of wishing for what I don't.

The National Library of Israel

The Book and Paper Conservation Department

Job opening

Senior Book Conservator

Responsibilities include:

- Providing condition assessments, identifying appropriate preservation and conservation treatments, and undertaking the documentation, conservation treatment, and housing of the material
- Assisting in the preparation of exhibitions of a wide range of paper objects, early prints and manuscripts from the Library's Rare Collections and Archives
- Working in tandem with other members of the preservation, conservation, exhibition, photography, and imaging units within the Library and outside it.
- Contributing to conservation surveys, and together with the Curators and the Head of the Conservation Department, establishing conservation priorities and treatment strategies for the collections.
- Additional duties may include assisting with the implementation of preservation programs such as the education of patrons, monitoring environmental controls, integrated pest management, emergency preparedness and response.

Required Qualifications:

- A Masters Degree or certificate in Conservation and a minimum of five years working experience in a museum or library, or a combination of equivalent formalized advanced training and experience in the conservation of books and paper materials.

- The ability to work independently, as well as with a team, good decision-making and problem-solving skills.

- Strong interpersonal, oral and written communication skills.

- Good computer skills.

- High level of proficiency in English. Knowledge of Hebrew is necessary.

Full time position. Salary commensurate with qualifications, and experience.

Applications will be accepted no later than 1/01/2009

Send resume and relevant certificates stating the position no. 08/15 to:

The National library of Israel

Human resources Dept., P.O.Box 39105, Jerusalem 91390

Have You Seen Me Lately

Because I haven't.....
I've been feeling under the weather, not feeling myself really. This morning I decided that I couldn't face 6 AM traffic and that I'd work at home. I ended up sleeping in until 7:30. Mmm... good times.

I've also been busy. I found the one shoemaker in Modiin - hooray!! - whose store is around the corner from Eden's gan, and I've taken all my shoes that have needed fixing over the past year. I'm so excited for shoes! He actually tried to convince me to buy new ones, since they were cheap boots anyway, but I told him no way. I'm sick of shopping for clothes. That does not say that I do not need more clothes, just that I'm sick of looking for them.

The Shabbat-Hag-Shabbat-Hag-Shabbat-Hag-Shabbat-Hag (it does seem to go on forever doesn't it) leaves us alternately rushing to prepare and sleeping and hanging out in the park all afternoon being lazy. Eden has moved from her "Guess what Eden, tonight its Hag/Shabbat, and we're going to Shul!" - "Again?!?" to "Why?"
Why what Eden, why are we going to shul? Why is it Hag or Shabbat? We've been ducking out on the shul at some points, I can understand why someone would have enough of it.

We put up some more art on the wall, makes us love the house a little more. Curtains are still, yes still, yet to come. Frames too.

Eden came home from gan today with terrific sukkah decorations. We hung them and made some more. Thanks to gans and kids, I plan on our sukkah getting better and better every year.

I think of some great blog posts a few times a day, but never remember them later. This is one of those times that I'm not remembering them later, andso I'm just sharing a stream of conciousness. Thanks for stopping by and Shana Tova :)

Flipping Through

My new surfing technique is to click the little "Next Blog" link at the top of blog pages. I'm tired of Slate, the local Modiin list, and the variety of other pages I read when I waste time.

Many things not in English, but even on those there are some nice pictures from places all over the world. Some languages I can't begin to recognize. In fact the majority are NOT in English. Most are in an Asian language.

I read a post, look at pictures. Read About Mes.

Check out these coasters. I'd like to have them, if I lived different life and had a different sort of house and family.

My heart rises at photography like Jon R's. A lot of people probably think these are boring but I like them. Once upon a time I dabbled in photography myself. If I ever have the time and money, I'd love to do it again. And I'd have a photography blog, with my best photos of the day.

I came to the EvilPig's blog twice in 10 minutes of Next Blog-ing, so I'm not sure how great this function is really. I couldn't read it of course, and also wasn't so impressed with the graphics. Although I suppose I'm not one to talk, never having graphics myself here. I also came to Custom Paper Toys twice, and although I can read it and the pictures are nice, it looked too boring to even read the first post.

dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt before, sing as though no one can hear you, live as though heaven is on earth. -souz

That's a quote I would have doodled on my notebook in high school in white out pen. It sounds pretty, so it doesn't matter whether you understand it or agree with it.

Now - on to my Friday list. Shabbat Shalom and Shana Tova to all.

P.S. Not wasting time was not one of my New Year's resolutions this year. I cannot bear to give it up.

My Thoughts About Fasting

I don't like it.
I also don't think I'm very alone in this feeling - most people I know would prefer a full belly to an empty one, in general. Some make exception for religious fasts, and some agree with me - we still don't like it.

Not only do I not like it, but I don't get it really. Being that I'm towards the end of a pretty easy fast (I woke up at 5 AM to have coffee and cereal), I'll try to explain coherently. I wonder how many Orthodox Jews agree with me? Who can convince me otherwise? I'm all ears.

My question is - what is the purpose of the fast? As I've been taught, it's meant to provoke a feeling of seriousness , introspection, atonement.

Which might be very well and good if I lived in a vacuum, just for the day even, and could spend it in seriousness, introspection and atonement. And even then, I find myself faltering at about now - 5:25 PM - and think that a drink of water or a small cracker would do wonders for my capabilities of self-analysis, forgiveness of others, and focusing on the wrongs in the world and within ourselves. I'm not talking about a full course meal here, a piece of bread and some water would be fine. Stale bread would do as well.

Aside - we could have a whole market of "fast day food". It would come pre-packaged, in appropriate sizes. Not too much - we want that growling stomach to remind us of whatever it is we are supposed to be thinking about. But just enough to get the brain cells going. And a small cup of water, just enough to see that our breath doesn't smell and others can stand to allow us to open our mouths around them. Packaged in recycled materials of course so that we can be sure of our morality at least on a fast day.

Back the point I was making. I don't live at the times that these fasts were enacted, and I can't say what the working man was doing then. But now, in 2008, I really can't skip out on work for a religous fast. (Yom Kippur - yes, but that is Shabbat Shabbaton, and we don't drive, use electricity, or manage money. But I'll get to Yom Kippur specifically in a minute.) Maybe if I were really dedicated to my religon and the inspiration provided for me by the fast, I would take advantage of Eden's pre-school and take the vacation day and spend it in study, introspection, and prayer. I guess I'm just not that dedicated enough. It might be nice to live in a world where I could be. I'd probably get there at the same time that I take off for Chol Hamoed, enjoying the holiday spirit with my family, instead of working my butt off to make up for the work missed because I'm home with Eden who does not have pre-school during Chol Hamoed. Not that I don't love being home with Eden, but I just don't have enough vacation days to take off for every Jewish 1/2 holiday and fast day. Even with my Israeli-govt given holidays. If one day I do have the vacation days? I might really think about it. Although I do admit it will be difficult to trade that for a month in Venice.

What did the working man (or woman!!) do? Did they really fast and work in the fields at the same time? Tishrei is harvest time - did they really let the fields go for the day while they studied, prayed, and introspected? Or did they spend the entire day in the fields with no drink or food?

Granted I did not spend the day in the fields. But I did spend a good hour on the Israeli high-ways while fasting. Seems I was tireder than I thought and I should have left earlier or had a caffiene pill. It might be argued that driving tired and hungry on the Israeli highways might be compared to working in the middle-eastern fields while fasting.

This post is taking the long way around. I blame the lack of glutens. Excuse me. What I'm trying to say is that I don't know if these fasts were really meant for everyone. For all time. We just aren't the same people with the same abilities that we once were. We have to work on fast days and not everyone is up to it. Not everyone has the ability to take the time off.

The second thing I wanted to say is about being a mom. Thank God we have some movies for Eden to watch, or we would never have gotten through 9 Av. Thank God I have a Ben who is watching a movie with Eden now, or I wouldn't be writing this post - I'd be watching with her. Is this really what I want to teach her - that fast days are movie days because Mommy can't deal with active parenting? Someone important died, great lets get Disney out. Seriously, seriously not. And what to do on Yom Kippur? For Eden, its just another day that we go to shul, pray, don't color or watch movies, don't braid hair. And on top of that ALSO don't go to the park because Mommy and Daddy are really not with it. For me, its just another day of trying to keep Eden busy and happy while not using electronics, or the park. And also not eating or drinking, and trying my hardest to get some prayer in!

To finally get to my Yom Kippur points, this is the hardest. Fasting on Yom Kippur really does nothing for me. If anything, it angers me a bit, which is not something I want to be doing on our Day of Atonement. If God wants me to atone - if I want me to atone - why fast? Fasting makes me irritable, tired, cranky. Not open to self-criticism. It doesn't make me feel holy, it makes me feel hungry. (To be fair, I think I really did have good Yom Kippurs back when I had only me to think about, and only me my relationship with God and my people to focus on. How terribly selfish.)

Do other working moms get more out of fasting than I do? I wish I knew, and I wish I knew how. I'm talking about without high-holiday babysitting, that seems to be a Young Israel-invented luxury. Maybe people with more spirituality than myself. I have to try hard to make room for religon in my life - which I do because I think its important, and I generally enjoy it - but its very difficult to make room for religous fasting on top of that.

You might say that religon isn't all enjoyable. Sometimes we do it as a sacrifice, a pennance. That the purpose isn't atonement, but rather accepting the yoke of God. Better spend the day sleeping in bed because you have no energy from the fast, than to eat a small bit and have the ability to stand all day in prayer. Its possible, but it doesn't seem to make me a better person, and I feel no better afterwards for having done it for those reasons.

I fast because I'm an Orthodox Jew and we fast on certain days. And I've chosen to be part of a community, and am generally happy about my choice. I think there is a good amount of flexibility found in Orthodox Judaism today (sometimes you have to look hard!), and this is one of our rules. You want to be a part of the community, accept the communities fasts. And I understand the neccesity of something so extreme that it carries forth throughout generations. A fast will do this - study and introspection and anything else dependant on the individual will not. All the same, I really can't agree with it. Fasting doesn't seem to do for me what it sounds like its supposed to. I can't imagine that I'm the only one who thinks this way.

Conclusion: I think fasting is something that needs to be rethought a bit. Its a pretty radical conclusion, seeing as fasting is indicated in the Torah itself. But there must be other, serious minded Modern Orthodox Jews who are having similar thoughts, and I'm curious to where it can go. Traditions for the sake of tradition are only so strong, and are bound to break. I'm all for keeping the meaning of the tradition alive, but I think we need to find a new way to do this. Suggestions welcome.

Project Forgiveness

Sometimes I read a blog because I know the person in real life, like them and what they have to say.
Sometimes, when I read a blog, I may have no clue who they are in real life, but really like what they have to say.
Sometimes, when I read a blog, I may have no clue who they are in real life, somewhat like what they have to say, but really really really like how they say it.

One such blog in this 3rd category is Project Forgiveness. Tomorrow is Rosh Hashana. How many of us think seriously about what we are sorry for this year? How many of us think so seriously that we ask eachother for forgiveness?

Years ago, I had a serious argument with someone I was once quite close with. We had both changed, and the people we had become no longer got along, or even really understood eachother. I received a call a few Rosh Hashana's ago from this friend, asking for my forgiveness. This friend told me that they weren't sure what had gone wrong, and was part of a group that was bringing them closer to religion, and that the group had resolved to ask their friends for forgiveness seriously. And would I forgive them for the hurt they had caused.

This request for forgiveness may have been sincere. It really may have been. I couldn't help feeling that there was something missing though. It was probably wrong, but I gave my forgiveness, even though I'm not sure I truly forgave until much later. I've had thoughts about calling and finally being truthful - I hadn't forgiven you, it didn't seem right. I said that I forgave you because I didn't want to bring it up again. You didn't know what went wrong, it didn't seem worthwhile telling you. I didn't have the heart to say during Tishrei that I hadn't forgiven you. (For what its worth, I do think that I have forgiven this person, finally. Its an accomplishment.)

How would we ask for forgiveness from our loved ones - or not loved ones! What a thought! - if we knew that they would not respond except to say yes or no. Or perhaps not even at all. What if we had a chance only to express that we were sorry, without opening old wounds. Without having to see them the next day, knowing that they saw you differently. Without opening new wounds - what if the person never knew that you had wronged them in this way? We are social beings and must interact to communicate. Communication involves a give and take. But what if it didn't? What if you could just say - I'm sorry. For all these things. Specific things. Don't respond, just hear me. I'm sorry.

Most cultures have a tradition of looking forward to the new year. New Year's Resolutions - how will I do better this year? Judaism says, you cannot know how you can do better this coming year without knowing what you might have done better with this past year. Its not really about losing the 5 lbs for good, finding that job, getting married, getting pregnant. Those are obvious things that we will or will not do anyway. Instead, how could I have been better to my spouse, my children, my extended family? How might I have been more sensitive to the people around me? What did I learn from this years mistakes? How could I be better to myself?

First, to acknowledge how we fell short. To be truly sorry for them, and to say - this year I'm going to fix this. Next year, maybe I will still be 5 lbs too heavy, still single, still in the same dull job, (hopefully in this day of medical miracles, not still childless), but I will not have to be sorry for these same things.

The first thing I'm sorry for is not writing one of these of my own yet. Rosh Hashana is tomorrow night and I've got to get to it.

I HEART Eden's Pre-School

You heard right. After 3 years in 2 different day-cares, we've finally found the one I've been waiting for her whole life. Granted, its a pre-school, not a day-care. And I go back and forth between not wanting to talk too soon and being grateful for what I have, when I have it. Realist that I am, I know that it may not always seem as wonderful as it does now.
Because it does now seem wonderful. Its a small class, with attentive teachers. Even the afternoon teacher, who I had understood was going to be little more than a babysitter, is terrific. At 5 PM she does not leave them to freely play inside or outside while she chills out. Instead she is still sitting with the kids, coloring, helping them build towers, all with a great deal of patience and very visible love. She disciplines through positive reinforcement (as far as I've seen) and it works, and works well. She knows just what Eden's eaten for lunch (no vegies ever) and when she's last gone to the bathroom.
Parents comments have found receptive ears. We've done away with the 4 PM chocolate sandwiches, instead having peanut butter and date spread. We asked not to give the kids cookies or candy before leaving, and they stopped. We even asked for them to change their prayer routine a little bit to include the girls more, and I believe that they will take our advice and find a way to do so. (Not my ideal solution but it is an ultra-orthodox preschool and there is only so much we can ask for on that end. As long as I know that Eden doesn't feel left out, I don't mind. At the moment she still says the bracha on tzitzit even though she doesn't wear them.)
We asked for healthier lunches and should be getting them. We asked for some more advanced activities, and got English and Art Appreciation once a week, alternating weeks. At age 3! My kid gets to learn about Monet and Van Gough from an expert in art and early childhood education.
And during her first week, she came home with artwork centered around the topic "Always start with the smile". That's the way we've started the year, and I can't ask for more.

Kids Don't Eat Green Food

A few years ago, Heinz came out with green and purple ketchup. We tried it, it was interesting. Odd eating green ketchup.
Now I'm thinking that maybe green ketchup isn't such a bad idea. I'd like to get Eden in the habit of eating green foods.
We are getting a little bit repetitious and boring in our dinners. The vegies that Eden will eat include broccoli, corn, and peas. Nothing more, nothing less. So that's what I make and that's what I serve. We are all getting a little bored of it. I think I hit rock bottom the other day when I thought I could serve pancakes with a spinach sauce. Eden and Ben ended up eating the pancakes with peanut butter (Eden stuck a few peas on hers). I didn't think the spinach was that bad, but oh well.
Honestly, she would be happy with 2 bowls of cereal, a pbj, and a vanilla yogurt every day. Oh and a vitamin and a cookie.
Why does her eating habits (or lack thereof) drive me nuts? My mom said I did not eat vegies until I was 9 or so. My mother in law says I should leave her alone and offer healthy things and she will take what she needs, and I shouldn't give her a complex. Eden gets her vitamin daily, and she does love fruit. I'm concerned about the percentage of sugar and fats in her diet and I know that I should probably shut up about it. I think that Ben sees my point of view but thinks I need to chill out. Her gannenet says that none of the other kids eat the veggies at lunch - with the exception of one or two.
I go back and forth. I'm all for letting Eden take what she needs and not driving her crazy. I want to make dinner time a fun time, a family time, not a stressful time for all of us. And I suppose I have this fairy tale idea that its my job to make the dinner and every one else's job to eat it.
And Eden is just the most wonderful little girl to love, and is a terror to force something on. It breaks my heart when she cries, but it also makes me angry when she won't eat.
It's probably all wrapped up in something deeply psychological, having to do with a mixture of my own childhood, working mommy guilt, her being an only child, environmental pressures, and the fact is that she is as stubborn as I am, and often quite creative.
Note: I find it a point of progress that I am able to laugh at the pancakes and spinach and am proud of said progress.

I Suppose I'm Israeli - Political Warning

I suppose there comes a time in every oleh/olah's life where they realize, wow, I'm really not American/Canadian/British/Anywhereelseian anymore. I must be Israeli. And then there is just no going back.
That moment happened this weekend for me, when it hit me that I'm terribly conflicted as to who to vote for in the coming US election. My first instinct is "who is good for the Jews/Israel". On that note, I would definitely have to vote Republican. Israel has had one of its strongest friends in Pres. Bush, and I believe that it would continue to do so in a McCain/Palin administration. In the end, I think that this is the only thing that matters for me.
Except that I'm not a conservative. I never have been. I'm for minority rights, I'm pro-choice, pro-alternate marriage. Ok, I'm an economic conservative, but a social liberal. And I know, I know that you cannot listen to all that you read, but I like to read online magazines, and they are now all filled with all sorts of smut about the candidates that drives me nuts. Particularly the stuff about Palin.
I have to admit that I don't like Palin personally. She may be a great politician (if I liked her politics), but I just don't like the choices that she's made. Perhaps its Mommy Guilt coming over me, but there is just no woman who is a super-woman. You cannot do it all, and do it all well. You just can't have a big and young family and be second-in-command at the same time. I'm sure that her husband is as supportive as can be, and I'd like to think that I'd say this of a man in the same situation. I just feel that being a mom to a disabled child is a full time job (as is being a father!). I feel that a teenage girl whose pregnant needs her mom. And said mom will just not be able to be there for her children as much as she needs to be when she's on the campaign trail, and later serving in Washington. Again, I'd like to think I'd say the same if it was a man - these kids need their father too.
I guess I like my politicians focused on their jobs - keep the family side of it small. Leave the baby-making to people who don't have countrys to run.
But that's just personally. For some reason the McCain/Palin admin seems like it would be even further right than Bush's was. And I'd like to get some stem-cell research jumpstarted.

I'd like to interject here that I almost never ever ever speak politics except with my dearly loved. Whom I often disagree with, but love just the same. I don't feel the need to discuss it with anyone, and in this post it's really just a means to an ends.

Which is, that I don't feel really completely comfortable voting for either Obama or McCain. Because something about them bothers me - Obama's foreign politics and McCain domestic politics. And when I realized that, I realized that I had more in common with average Israelis than I did with average Americans.

Here, abortion is a bit of a non-issue. The workplace is family friendly - take mine for example. I have no problem taking off for a sick kid. None whatsoever. My boss took almost 2 consecutive weeks last year if not more when hers was sick. I work 6:30 -3:30. And none of this is suprising to anyone. Gay rights are a non-issue also, and we've had gay pride parades in our religious capital for a few years straight now. Education sucks, yes. The real estate market sucks, yes. Taxes suck big time. (I do think all of these issues will be moving somewhere...we need patience). And in the last Israeli election I also didn't really have a clear candidate to vote for, although I did have a party that I wanted to vote for. I wanted to vote Kadima, but thought that Olmert was a sleazy scumbag. (Boy was I right!) I would still vote Kadima, although Livni or Mofaz I can't say. I'm happy with Kadima's economic statements. Basically happy with their security statements, if not happy with their proven "successes". Happy in the direction that Kadima might take our country, which is more than I can say for either Republicans or Democrats in the US.

So I guess that a Jew who has no other place to go back to is finally Israeli. Its good to be home.

Go Here Its Important

http://muqata.blogspot.com/2008/09/getting-tough-israel-most-wanted.html

Judging from my site tracker, I don't think that my blog is particularly widely read. But this is worth a try - if you've seen these men, please let the rabbinate know.