Long, Lazy Friday

It was a long Friday. We changed the clocks last night and woke up an hour late. We had a short shopping and cooking. Somehow, the house got cleaned and the laundry done, and its now 5:00 and I still have 1.5 hours to go. I DO feel like I've done nothing all day, except browse online and laze around. I am fully in denial about Pesach, and have not done a stitch of cleaning. I did make a preliminary list, so I suppose I'm not totally guilty.
Ben cooked, hooray for Ben!
What I did do today is start another list - a baby list. Not as nice or fancy as Sarah's list, I don't really want to set up another blog, and I do want my own list. Maybe I'll write a few blog posts for hers, just for the fun of it.
We don't want to buy much new for this baby - don't really see the need. However, I would like to right some wrongs we did with Eden. When Eden was born, we basically made a list of the things we needed, and made do with the cheapest and easiest to find, which wasn't always the most ideal.
This time around I'd like:

• A co-sleeper (hard to find to fit our lower Israeli beds, and NOT cheap, for just a few weeks use until we move her to the crib)
• A new swing - smaller, portable, nice looking, BETTER.
• A changing table - possibly. We have a desk-converted to changing table in Eden's room. Eventually, she can use it for a desk. In the meantime, its a staple of her room, and I don't want to take it away. At the same time, we are planning on building a 5 door closet in the baby's room, and I don't feel the need for another dresser in there. All I want is a changing table. Does it exist in Israel? Maybe we will have someone build it for us.
• A baby bath - we gave ours away. Ideally perhaps, we'd find one that can fit into the sink.
• A new baby carrier - am thinking about the big cloth ones, I didn't like it last time because it was too hot. This baby will be born in Sept, and I'll have the entire winter, where I'd rather be warm.
• Not to mention new nursing bras, a new nursing pillow. The pillow I'm sure I can get here - the bras? There is no way I'm getting into the plastic cages they sell here. Hey, while I'm on the topic, maybe a glider? I think that may be a bit off the budget....

I'll add more another time. I suppose I'll go get ready for Shabbat now.

Quick, Safe, and Easy

Is that a pipe dream? For birth I mean. Well for anything really, I suppose nothing is really quick, safe, and easy, unless its a cup of water or something. And even that lately...
So here comes a pregnancy gripe.
It really gets on my nerves when women press other women to use their childbirth experiences as a path to a heightened spiritual state. Meaning, I don't care what you do in your own life, do what's best for you. But don't pretend to think that it's also best for me.
I'm a cynic. And a skeptic. I don't do yoga, meditation, or hypnosis. Amazingly, I actually can deal with pain somehow rather stoically anyway. But that doesn't mean that I like to, nor is birth an opportunity for me to express that part of myself. Birth is how a child is born. That's it.
This all stems from a discussion I had with a doula the other day. I'm on the lookout for doulas. (And names by the way. I see girls names everywhere. Often, I say - ooh that's the one. And then later, nothing.) And I spent almost an hour on the phone the other day with a doula, who, aside from the fact that she would just not stop talking, seemed pretty decent. In fact, I was really pretty impressed with what she offered and really would call her back except for one thing. She basically said that I must be totally and completely committed to having a medication free birth, or that the hospitals here would just send me for another emergency C-section (I'm hoping for a VBAC). It seemed pretty extreme, but she said the risks of a uterine rupture are high enough to make medication pretty much not a good idea. I came out of the conversation thinking that really the decision was between planning a C-section and carrying a med-free birth through to the end.
And I'm just not sure I'm that committed. I don't really care about it, philosophicaly. It's not going to do anything for me. I don't think that non-medicated a "better" way to go, although it has its good points, and has been proven safer in the long run. But, from what I understood, if I wasn't full on about it, better off with a planned C.
So I started reading up on planned Cs. I read up on how they do it at Laniado Hospital in Netanya (hebrew, IE only, sorry), and that sounds pretty darn good to me. Quick, safe, easy. True, there are risks in later pregnancies, but women can have many many C-sections, especially here in Israel. Besides, do I really want so many kids that it would be a problem? There are of course other complications, internal scarring, etc. But our doctors are good enough, aren't they?
All in all, sounds a whole lot better than a non-medicated birth. And certainly a whole lot better than a trial of labor and another emergency C-section. All that trauma, for both me and baby. And it could be so easy.
So Ben thought that what this doula had told me was a load of bunk, and that surely I could have an epidural for a VBAC also. Apparently they do it in the rest of the world, why not here. I asked a friend of mine who I thought might know, and she seemed to think it was bunk too. I have yet to really verify it with a professional, but it just gets to me. Why would she say something like that if it just wasn't true? She must really, really, really believe that medication in a VBAC is dangerous. Ben later expressed just what I was feeling, that some people - and so many of them doulas, lactation consultants, childbirth class instructors, etc - are so ungrounded and in the clouds about this stuff that they don't present the facts right. We had that same experience with the woman we took our course from before Eden was born. She presented things as such FACTS, about birth, nursing, pacifiers, and just everything having to do with newborns. And I realized after Eden was born was that there really are no facts. Each baby does its own thing. And each mother does her own thing. And each family has to adjust and do what is right for them.
So, bottom line here. I'm looking to have VBAC, because it is safer, because its supposed to be easier in many ways, and because its supposed to be easier to nurse afterward. (And the nursing is a priority for me, not because of any superior holy feelings. In fact, I decidedly do not like feeling like a cow. But it is good for the baby, and its easy on the wallet if it goes right, so it would be nice if it did this time.) And I'm looking to pay someone to help me through that VBAC. But I'm not looking for a quack whose going to get on my nerves the entire time with her 'oh how holy is this birth' bit going on that so many of them have. Just get it done.
Recommendations and advice welcome.

For the record - I know I'm exaggerating a bit. Its hard to really express how I'm feeling about this, so I'm overcompensating. I know that they aren't all really that terrible, and many are really very down-to-earth.

Related Posts - Cloth Diapering 101. This I can relate to. And not for the environment.

A Peek Inside

We had our skirat mukdemet last week - the early advanced U/S scan that Maccabi gives us in week 15 or 16. My own dr does an U/S every month, but the resolution is not very high, and he really only uses it to check the heartbeat and movement. Last week, we found out that
a) Its a girl! Hooray for Eden's little sister!
b) Both sides of her brain are exactly symetrical (thank God!)
c) That she has all the limbs and organs she is supposed to have (thank God again!)
and
d) There is an amniotic sheet keeping her company.

Truth is, I went back to my dr yesterday for a monthly follow up, and he couldn't find the sheet. He said it may have disapeared already, or fused to the wall. Either way he wasn't worried about it, and gave me a referral for another advanced U/S at week 21 :). I thought that usually they do a second one at week 24 or 26, so I'm not sure if this is just an early one or actually an additional one! Wouldn't that be fun!

Anyway, but for the week that it was still there, it got me thinking. I mean, it wasn't doing her any harm, as long as her arms and legs didn't get caught up in it. And it meant that she had slightly less room to move around, which might explain for how huge I am already. But you know, maybe she liked it there. Kind of like her first blanky. What if she went through the whole pregancy with it? Would it be traumatic to leave it behind? (In addition to the regular trauma of birth). What if it broke in say, the 7th month? She might have grown to like it, have missed it, and actually gotten over it by the time she was born. She would have known loss, and overcome that loss, even before she entered our world. What an idea! How would that affect her?

I already have a gut feeling that she is very different than Eden. Eden is so - personable. Outgoing. Charming, friendly. She doesn't sit still, she's a doer. I already feel that this baby is quieter. Less rambunctious, maybe more shy. At this point when I was pregnant with Eden, we had an ultrasound that showed her jumping - I don't know that she's stopped since. Our scans with this baby have shown her chilling. She waved at us last week, but that was about it - only one hand moved. She's bothered me a bit with morning sickness, but not as badly as Eden did. She seems to be just less - in your face. I wonder if thats true. If so, we have something completely unknown coming to us. I mean we would anyway, but this all just gets me thinking about it more. How wonderful and interesting - I can't wait!

Reruns Have Become Our History

A quick flashback to the Goo Goo Dolls, a fav band of mine in high school (and still! I love it when I find them on the radio!)

If you know the song, you'll know what it has to do with this post.

Sometimes things come around in my head again and again. I honestly don't remember if I've actually posted about this before, or if I'm doing so now for the first time. I also am too lazy to go look.

I think every generation of parents thinks that their kids grow up too fast. I think parents have been thinking that their kids have grown up too fast for millennium. That this decade's technology will be the ruin of the next generation. This is nothing new, and every parent of a teenager that I know thinks this way.

Granted, I am not a mother of a teenager. And maybe I'm too young and my own teenage memories are still fresh in my mind. But I totally disagree. I think kids don't grow up fast enough.

Yes, they are exposed to more and more information at a younger age, but that doesn't mean growing up (and I don't think its going to ruin them). The smart ones will adjust. The stupid ones will do what stupid ones have always done - continue being stupid despite their parents best efforts). Kids take too long to become independent and responsible. They grow up not knowing how to make concrete decisions, and are still afraid of commitment well into their 30's, leaving their best years for reproduction behind. They don't use their minds, are too lazy to solve life's puzzles, and aren't interested in doing so. They aren't respectful, nor are they respectable. I don't really care how many piercings kids have, and it doesn't matter to me what they look like. I want them to be decent people, able to support themselves, take an interest in supporting the next generation. Be interested in growth, life. Flourish.

I am of course generalizing. I'm talking about the kids who I steer Eden away from in the park. The kid who was sitting on the hood of my car one day smoking when I came out of the store.

Honestly, I think these kids are bored. They are bored with school, and bored with their parents and bored with their life. They are waiting to grow up and be a person, but will not know what to do when they get there, nor will they recognize that they've gotten there. Perhaps they may never get there. You have to GO somewhere to get there, if you sit on the corner smoking all afternoon after school, you don't look like you are going much of anywhere.

I'm aware that I'm ranting a bit. I have no hard and fast proofs or examples. Just a general feeling and a slight annoyance at people who want to keep their kids young. I personally, cannot wait for Eden to grow up. She's so interesting, and only four! What a fascinating person she's going to be at 14 and 24! I love that she is independent, and I hope she continues to be so. I love that she knows her own mind, and that you can argue a point logically with her. I love that she can disagree and still understand that she doesn't always get her way. And accept it. That's what grownups do, actually. Growing up too fast doesn't mean too much internet, it would mean too much disappointment. And I think that most kids who seem to be growing up too fast are only disappointed that they have to wait so long.

Early to Bed, Early to Rise, Makes a Person

Very Cranky in the Evenings.

Eden has started getting up earlier. This means that:

a) Ben and Eden have more time in the morning to get ready. Hooray! Makes for a happier Ben later in the day.

b) Eden sometimes is awake when I leave for work. Which means that I don't leave for work as expeditiously as I would otherwise... usually I'm giving her hugs for 10 minutes. (GUILT TRIP HERE: When I picked Eden up on Thursday she said to me, out of the blue, "Mommy, I love you so so much."I said, "Oh honey, I love you too!" And Eden said, "So why all the time you go to work. I want you." Can't get more heartbreaking than that. I must remember that I love my job. And that it provides for this little heart breaker.)

c) Eden gets tired earlier. Her official bed-time is 7:30. But if we wait much past 7:10 to get her teeth brushed and into pjs, she is "so so tired. I cannot brush my teeth. I am so so tired." And she's often too tired to eat a proper dinner, so she's hungry also. Never mind visiting with friends. I say we are too tired for that. All this makes for some difficult late afternoons and evenings.

d) Eden gets up earlier on weekends also. The sun shining this weekend did not help. Apparently it was "morning time!" at 10 to 6 AM.

Maybe some day it will do her good. I can only hope that it instills what Ben Franklin said it would. Right now, its only making for a very unhappy four-year old.

Some happy news: Eden gave the baby a hug tonight. Sort of, she was a bit disappointed that all she got to see was my tummy. But she sang a song and said, "I'm Eden, I'm your big sister. And I love you so much, little baby." Also heartbreaking, but in a good way.

And she can spread peanut butter by herself! I was astonished at that, what a big girl. Next, she'll be making her sandwiches by herself. One more point for Ben :)

Gems to Share and Remember

We had a really great weekend.

Starting off with Eden's birthday party at gan (no need to post pics here if I can link to facebook), followed by a really enjoyable shabbat with Ben's family, including our new niece Hila. The party was wonderfully un-pagan, unlike last years where all the little 3-year olds worshiped the cake god and the birthday goddess granted favors to techno music and black light. I guess that doesn't exactly happen in a Shas gan. Also, it was nice that they do it in pairs, and we had our birthday party with Eden's friend Talia. Talia's mom is one of those wonderful people who has everything planned and worked out perfectly way in advance, and volunteered to buy everything. All I did for the party at all was contribute 1/2 the expense. (I used to think I was a mom like that, but have since grown to know better.)

Some sweet, short, and funny Eden-isms:

• When we did the Mommy-Eden birthday dance at gan together, and Eden presented me with a big red heart, Eden had an urgent secret for me. She whispered in my ear, "I love you, Mommy" (!!).

• There is a man in our neighborhood with a big bushy beard and a big head of white hair. We sometimes see him walking with his dog. Ben has told Eden alternately that it is Eliyahu Hanavi, or the Old Man of the Mountain. Thursday afternoon, we saw him on the way home from the park, and Eden of course called out and pointed, "Look Mommy! Its Eliyahu Hanavi! And his dog!"

• We spent the entire day yesterday at Ben's parents. Our fuse blew, and there was nothing we could do on Shabbat. I'm not going to go into the details because it only contributed to the day in that we had no heat and decided that it would be more fun to stay there for the entire day. Which it was. When we got home at the end of the very very very long day, we sat down to read Super Completely and Totally the Messiest, by Judith Viorst. (Hint: We LOVE Judith Viorst.) I told Eden what a big girl she had been, how great she had been with Hila, and how proud of her I was. Her brow was furrowed, and I asked her what was on her mind. She said she was thinking of Mommy and Daddy, and how we totally and completely and "all de time" love her very much. That was just the best end to the day. I love her little Sabra accented "all de time".

• When my friend asked Eden whether she thought the baby was a boy or a girl, she said its a girl. My friend said, "Really, you think so?" And Eden said, "I don't think. It's a girl." Is she psychic? Clairvoyant? We'll find out in just a couple weeks when we have a big ultrasound scan. I'll probably leak it here. Stay tuned.

• Eden can now put her hair in a ponytail all by herself! And clips in the side to keep her grown out bangs back. I am truly amazed.
  

I notice that the spellchecker caught facebook. I wonder when they will get with the program?

Next Generation Blogging

I don't know what it is lately, but I can't think of anything really solid to blog about. My thought processes are rarely very focused, except when working. Or even then, it mostly flits between -

ouch, leg fell asleep! - Hungry, must eat. - Strange smell, wonder where that is coming from. - What's new on Facebook? - Ahhh new email. Must deal with it. - Ahhh phone call, must answer. - How can I get rid of the extra furniture we have? - Can we build new closets? What would the ideal closet look like? What about the ideal linen closet? - I really really really would like some ice cream right now. - Yuck, I think that would make me sick. - HTH am I really going to finish this before I go home? - MUST FINISH! MUST FOCUS.

And then my leg falls alseep again. Hazard of being short legged and pregnant.

They say the recession hasn't yet hit us, and that we have about 6 months until D-Day. Great, just in time for me. Can a socialist govt bail on maternity leave?

I'll leave it at that for now. Maybe I'll wake up next month.

Announcement

I've decided that I like one-word titles. If I can summarize everything that I want to say into one word as a title, I am a happy woman.

So.

Many have guessed, and not said anything. Some don't know at all. Some have guessed, and have said something, as in the woman who asked me, "So, is there something there or does it just look like it?" Yes, there's something there.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

Whoo hoo!

Just came back from my 2nd drs appointment, where we got a great view of our baby on ultrasound. Everything looks good, thank Gd.

So if you don't already get it, the dearth of postings has been because I've been feeling like crap. It's started to taper off, but still I'm often in bed right after Eden. 4 PM and onward are not my best hours. You'll excuse me, I'm working on a baby here.

Be forewarned that this blog may start to contain more and more details about, ahem, some details that I feel the need to share. I'm aware that I may lose my male readership, especially those with larger families who hear enough about this stuff from their own wives, but I'm prepared to face that. I will attempt to keep it pretty clean, with not too much TMI. But forewarned is forearmed. I don't think I ever had much of a male readership to begin with. I mean, this blog never pretended to be about sports or cars. Just mommy and guilt.

Really, I'm just going to go on and on about how excited I am. And how cute my baby is, even if it is under 4 inches long. It has a really big head. And two arms! Isn't that a miracle! We saw one leg on the ultrasound, I'm assuming that it also has another one. Isn't that COOL??!?!

And the fun renovations we are planning in the baby's room. And Eden's reaction to the baby. Or baby to be. (We haven't told her yet.)

Pretty much, all baby centric. What fun! For people who like hearing about babies that is. With no end in sight.

Oh - another cool tidbit. There are 3 other women in my dept who are also pregnant. One is due in June, one in July, my boss is due mid August, and I am due Aug 31, which really means for me a Sept birth. I think. And THAT is really nuts.

Edit: Eden knows. Ben's mom picked her up today, and I know that she didn't say anything, but we were talking about the ultrasound, and the appointment and all, when Eden comes up to me, and says, "Mommy! You having a baby! Because your tummy is very very big!" And I said, "You know what? You're right!" And she just went nuts. She's so excited. She kind of did this thing that I probably felt like doing when we found out, but didn't because I'm all adult-like and concerned about risks, etc. She just started jumping and screaming and hugging and being so happy. So are we all.

Volunteerism

http://www.slate.com/id/2211412/

I'm going to rant a bit again. The world needs more do-gooders, that's for sure. We all need to be a little kinder, a little more giving, more caring about others.

On the other hand - is Slate kidding with this title? If the only time that you have to volunteer is between 4 and 6 AM, then you should not be volunteering. You should be spending that time on yourself.

Too many people don't take care of themselves enough. Pirkei Avot had it right (paraphrase): give first to your family, then to your community, then to your home town, then to other cities. I'll add, give to yourself first. Everyone else will be better off for it.

I think actually that too many people think about other people too much. Not enough people are thinking about themselves. No, really. Sometimes people give to other people because they don't really want to focus on themselves. They feel they aren't good enough, or don't want to spend too much time alone with themselves. Don't want to focus on their own issues, would rather help others. That's selfish also. Others will be better off if you spend time with yourself first.

That includes your spouse and children, and any one in your life directly. And then any one in their lives directly. And it spreads. The world can only benefit from some more happy marriages, some more healthy parent/child relationships. If you do wonderful volunteer work, but can't keep your marriage together (or your bankbook balanced!), you've got your priorities wrong.

I'll step down from said soap-box now.

Pizza and Ice Cream are Magic

Stay tuned, I'm still alive. Just a bit busy. Have been feeling under the weather, pressured at work with some new and frustrating projects, and best news of all a new niece!!! Not that I'm used to getting nieces in general, this is my first, and very exciting.

Her name is Hila Zehava after Bens (and her mom's) grandmother, who've I've learned a lot more about since Ben's parents have moved to the area. She's a little bundle of love who makes my heart melt to look at her. I didn't know I could love a child so much who isn't actually my own....I can't wait to watch her grow up along with our kids, who are so close in age. Really though I just can't wait to hold her again, and really really can't wait to see her smile. I think that my heart will just burst then.

Just for the record, I still love Eden best. In case it almost sounded otherwise. I am partial to newborns though.

With all the ups and downs of the past few weeks, we've discovered frozen convenience foods and dishwashers. I really feel middle class and bourgiouse now. Yes, we finally bit the bullet and bought a dishwasher. Don't ask whether we use it for dairy or meat, its a sensitive topic. We use it for dairy, if you are really wondering. Its really made a difference in our lives. Still no cleaning lady, having a hard time with that one.

That and the frozen pizza and chocolate ice cream. The chocolate ice cream especially has been a life saver. Did you know that Ben and Jerry's is cheaper than Haagen Dasz? And Eden eats the pizza!!! That enough is something to celebrate.

I HEART America

Can't help it. I'll always be an American, and will always tear up at a Presidential inauguration and the national anthem.
I really cried through the entire thing - I think Eden was a little weirded out. Oh well, she will learn that we cry at these things.
That lady poet wasn't much, they don't make great poets anymore I suppose. But that reverend - couldn't have asked for anything better.

Most of all, I was proud to watch a historical event for free on my computer with my dearest husband and three year old daughter. Who doesn't know yet how much the things that are happening now mean for her life.

Ben and Bethami's Musings

Sitting here tonight, not feeling too great, provides time for Ben and I to talk, as opposed to doing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning up, work. We read together, joke, read blogs and news over eachothers shoulders.
Our findings:

• There can be deep meaning in Douglas Adams. I knew this before, apparently its something new to Ben. Hooray for Gold spouses convinced! Hat tip to the other Gold in-law. Hamevin Yavin.
  

• One of the good things about our parenting is that we aren't really addicted to TV, we have Shabbat, and we have only one child. We have a lot of time to talk about our days, Eden's day, analyze, criticize, and improve. I don't know how people do it when they don't have Shabbat, watch extraordinary amounts of TV, or have 3 under 5. Since most people we know have one out of the three, and most people we know are also really great parents, I suppose that everyone must find a way to do it well.

• The picture on jpost of the soldier killed today in Gaza, St.- Sgt. Dvir Emanuelof is a really great one. He looks like a wonderful person and we are mourning his death tonight.

• We have two close friends waiting to give birth - my friend triLcat and Ben's sister. Those happy waitings mixed with the dreadful waiting coming from Gaza makes for some mighty waiting this month.

• Found a blog written by someone who says about themselves, "I am a hard-to-define Orthodox Jew." Haven't you just defined yourself now? Aren't you an Orthodox Jew? If that's not a label, I don't know what is. Bloggers are funny - don't we all over-analyze ourselves in our little bios?

What did you find the last time you sat with your SO/best friend?

Prayer

Praying now for all the families in the south of Israel, including my own family there, the kids I know in the army, and the kids I don't, and the miluimnikim that might get called up at any time.

Praying for our own city of Modiin, and the ganim that are now required to have a security guard at all times.

Praying for the families without heat or hot water in these cold rainy days.

Praying that the rain this year is sufficient.

This morning when I drove to work, it was cold, dark, and wet. May God bring us safely into sunshine, warmth, light, and peace.

Communism is the Opiate of the Masses

Every day on my way home from work, I pass by, in true Israeli advertising fashion, 2 or 3 billboards by the HOT cable company (Heb/Rus only). They all say (approx. translation) "We need revolutionaries!" There is a picture on the side of Che Guevara, in an earpiece. Apparently, they need customer service representatives, people who are going to reinvent the meaning of Israeli customer support. (Job hunting? Take note, revolutionaries!)
What strikes me as funny every single day is that its simply not true. They don't want support personnel of the likes of Che. He would murder all the management. It gets me every day, and someday I am going to pull over and photograph it and post it here. Its completely twisted.
Ben and I talk about things like this often. I knew he would have a good one on the Che billboards - and he does. Che Guevara would be rolling over in his grave if he knew that his face was being used in Israel to sell cable television. Cable television! And with an earpiece on!
Israel is not the only place to do something stupid like this. Benicio del Toro, when accepting his "Best Actor" award for Che, dedicated it all to Che. Which is kind of funny, seeing as someone like Che himself would have mowed Del Toro down, together with the rest of Hollywood. I don't think he treated artists very nicely.
I'll never forget the day we saw someone in the mall wearing a Mao Zedong t-shirt. It really got Ben angry and he went up to him and told him off for wearing a shirt with the face of someone who killed 60 million people. And we mourn our 6 million in Europe! The guy didn't know what he was talking about. "Who is Mao? A Chinese dictator? My girlfriend bought it for me."
That's all. The man who killed 60 million is now just "a Chinese dictator" - doesn't matter very much.
It takes a little while to realize that it really doesn't mean anything. The billboards are just saying - we need something different. Perhaps the movie tries to say a variety of different things, but at the end of the day, it wants to sell tickets. The t-shirts - just making money for some guy with a stand in the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station.
I wonder that Communism is really kind of dead in our little end of the world - so dead that its turned into Pop Culture. Its kind of cool, in the way that JNCOs once were. So dead, that when people far to the left of center try and spread the wealth too much, they don't really remember what they are asking for. Maybe we should try and take it a little more seriously.
Anyone for sending letters of complaint to HOT and the media?

20 of the World's Most Beautiful Libraries

A friend sent this to me, and I only wish the photos were higher quality.
My fav is the Rijkmuseum Library, Amsterdam. How long would it take you to climb those stairs? I have a real fear of heights but suppose it might be tamed in the presence of so much information.

Volunteering - hmm

The company I work for does a great deal of volunteering work - which I think is great. I think its great that the company provides opportunities to volunteer in areas that are close to us, both physically (like in the neighborhood over) and otherwise (ideologically? theoretically? intellectually?)
That said, I don't feel behooved at all to take part and I wonder if that's not the way its supposed to be. Am I supposed to feel pressured to take part in a project just because my department is supporting it? Does our workplace come into our lives so much so that it dictates how we volunteer our time? And is it selfish that I want to keep that time to myself - and is it so bad to be that selfish? Am I purposely setting myself outside of the company culture - and is that ok?
Don't get me wrong - I'm not against helping out in the community. Although I will say that when it comes to working with complete strangers, I'd much rather cut them a check. Especially with children - I'm not so great with children. I treat my own more like an adult that I probably should. Well, and disabled adults, or adults that are mentally or emotionally disturbed, which is usually the groups of people you work with when you volunteer.
Agreed that these are great projects, even necessary, one might say. But not every time do I have to say, "Well if no one else will do it, I suppose I will."
People always complain that they never have time for themselves. I do like to make time for myself, and reserve time for myself, and I don't think that I should be ashamed to say it. It's not selfish, its healthy.
Volunteering should make you feel good - this type of thing never does make me feel good. I mean, I would love to volunteer, lets say - at a charity gift shop where you get to see all sorts of cool used stuff. Or at the Jewish Agency Archives - whoo hooo! That's my retirement "job".
I think I'll leave the dealing with children and strange adults to those who get more out of it. Hope that's ok.

That said - one of my favorite Ani Difranco quotes is:
'cause i know the biggest crime
is just to throw up your hands
say
this has nothing to do with me
i just want to live as comfortably as i can
you got to look outside your eyes
you got to think outside your brain
you got to walk outside you life
to where the neighborhood changes

Something to think about. How do I incorporate this into my life?

You Don't Have to be Rich to be Orthodox

Or you didn't use to, at least.

Hear, Hear.

Not So Unfulfilled

I thought I'd have done so little of these, but actually, am not too bad.

I stole this from Rachel You copy the list and then color the ones you've done.

The ones I'm sure about I painted purple and the ones I'm not sure about are green.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang/played a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run (are you kidding??!!)
32. Been on a cruise (not a long one, but a dinner cruise)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (I suppose this depends what you mean by ancestors. I've been to Jerusalem, but never to White Russia.)
35. Seen an Amish community (not a community, but I've asked a guy in a buggy in Amish country for directions to the nearest gas station)
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (I won't count my husbands.)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Made a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Leave a comment to tell me you've posted yours!

Some things I've Noticed

I think this blog is turning into a place where I muse about odd or semi-interesting things I've noticed. Or appreciate. I don't know if anyone else is interested....but hey that's the beauty of the internet. If you're interested, great. If not, reading blogs that are only semi-interesting is a great way to zone.

So thing #1 for today. I've recently been getting a lot of Linked-In connection requests. And the thing I always get a kick out of on these requests, is the option to say "I don't know this person". Meaning, you can either accept or reject the invite, or just plain say - "I don't know you." For some reason that really cracks me up. I'm always tempted to say "I don't know this person" just for kicks.

For example, my brother-in-law just Linked-me-In (can that be the verb for adding a contact on Linked-In? Similar to friending on Facebook? The spellchecker just caught both "friending" and Facebook. I wonder when that will stop. I just added it to my dictionary). Anyway, I think it would have been a riot if I'd said "I don't know you." Maybe not so nice, but still funny. For the record, I Linked-him-in. I'm just that nice.

Another thing I noticed (thing #2). Yesterday, I got the most unbelievable amount of Facebook Happy Birthday notes. Maybe somewhat believable, I don't know. Probably there are other people out there who have more. But I got a lot. I didn't know there were so many people that liked me so much to go out of their way to wish me a happy birthday! It made me feel really good, I kept checking it every half hour or so.

See, I see people's birthday notices on Facebook all the time, and hardly ever say Happy Birthday. I guess I'm not such a good Friend like that. I don't know, most of these are people that I hardly speak to, never see....or always see and I'll tell them happy birthday in person. Its nuts saying happy birthday to everyone you know - sometimes I have two or three birthdays a day! Or week! I just can't be bothered.

But yesterday really made an impression on me. These people hardly speak to me either, and never see me, and still they made the effort. Good for them, and perhaps it's time I started to also. If it made me feel so good, probably it would other people too.

Thing #3 to share: Yesterday, Eden told me that for my birthday, she would draw a picture of Mommy dressed as a clown because it would be very funny. I thought that was funny in itself. Less funny when she cried when the picture that Daddy (not Eden) drew of Mommy dressed as a clown didn't look too much like Mommy. Eden, we're not all portrait artists.

December 16th

My birthday is in 5 days. I probably will not remember to post this then, so I'll do it now.
Check out what Wikipedia has to say about it.
Some of my favorites:

Events:

• 1653 - English Interregnum: The Protectorate - Oliver Cromwell becomes Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England, Scotland and Ireland.
• 1707 - Last recorded eruption of Mount Fuji in Japan.
• 1773 - American Revolution: Boston Tea Party - Members of the Sons of Liberty disguised as Mohawks dump crates of tea into Boston harbor as a protest against the Tea Act.

Births:

• 1485 - Catherine of Aragon, Queen of England (d. 1536)
• 1770 - Ludwig van Beethoven, German composer (d. 1827)
• 1775 - Jane Austen, English writer (d. 181
• 1901 - Margaret Mead, American anthropologist (d. 1978)

And a very happy birthday to my friends and family who also have birthdays this month. December is a great time for a birthday!

Feel free to add your own. What's special about your birthday (other than you of course)?

Some new ideas

I've been following the story told at Orthonomics about the teachers in the Lakewood school who are on strike because they weren't getting paid, and have read most of the comments. (I don't have the time to read through over too many comments on a single blog topic, even if I do think its interesting.)

Having some intimate knowledge of these things on the side of the not getting paid, or not getting paid on time, this is a topic that speaks home, and in my mind, demands change.

Even in Israel, yeshiva prices are not cheap. Here, schooling is funded by the state, but that only accounts for the very basics - maybe 4-5 hours of school a day? For a kid to be in a dual curriculum school for a full long day (until 3-4 PM), parents need to chip in extra. And from what I hear from my friends with bigger kids, high schools with good quality religious and secular education are hard to come by, and usually are more private than public, even many times requiring their students to board during the week. And the teachers still strike when the rest of the country does.

Anyway, one of the commenters back at Orthonomics mentioned the possibility of kids going to public school, with an after school Talmud Torah. This is the way Orthodox kids used to get their religious education in the US (sorry no sources here, I've got enough time to write, not to do research). Again, as mentioned, it didn't really work - many of those kids grew up to give up kashrut and kippot, Shabbat and Simchat torah, keeping only the basics of Pesach and Yom Kippur. But does that mean that its a failed experiment? What if we tried it again? This time around, you wouldn't be chased down the streets with stones for wearing your kippa to school - I've known kids who do, who are the only kids in their class who do. And these kids would not be. Most likely, some classes might even have a majority of Orthodox kids. It would not be uncool, and might even let in a spirit of openness, understanding, and tolerance that is sorely missing in Orthodox communities.

Possibly this is something that could just save the next generation of US Orthodoxy. I say lets give it a try.

We should try it in Israel too. Like all good American ideas, it will probably get here about 10 years later.

Bug Stories

I'm getting a bug. Actually 2 - For about a week and a half now, I've been coming down with a cold. Does that make it that I already have a cold, just a small one? Will it get worse and blossom into a full blow cold?

Also I'm getting a party bug. I've got this itch to have a party. It happens every now and then. We've got this great roof that is perfect for it, and although its a bit cold up there now, it doesn't really rain (not a good thing really), and wouldn't it be so much fun to rent those heaters like they have in outdoor restaurants! The heat from them is so cozy.

It may have something to do with the holiday spirit in the air. Thanksgiving has come and gone (twice! One with local family and one with non-local family. By non-local, I mean down a few exits on the highway, not across an ocean. Local is down the street.) Hanukkah is on its way - you can tell by the donuts that Roladin makes (my fav place to go out for a work-lunch), including pistachio, arak, and coconut. Also my birthday - did I mention that its in a month? I like birthdays, and even though this isn't a particularly big one, it makes for fun times.

And one good real bug story. Yesterday while cleaning upstairs, I noticed a dead beetle. We get them sometimes. At least it wasn't a roach, which - Thank God! - we've never had in this apt. Anyway it was really big, like half the size of my thumb. I decided I was going to sweep it up no matter how gross it was. Because I'm independent and I can do these things. But really, I couldn't. I just. Could. Not. Get. Close. I even screeched. No, really I screamed, it was that gross.

So Ben came to get it for me of course, grumbling all the way on what a big deal I was making out of it. Eden of course came up to see what was the matter, and he showed her the bug, and how cool it was underneath. Last year she would have been very interested! But now, of course, she's a big girl, and she knows better. We girls scream at bugs. So she dutifully said, "Ew, Daddy, take it away! I don't like that! Daddy! Ew!" Good for you, Eden. Remember - one important reason for getting married is to have someone committed to getting the bugs for you.

New lows?

For dinner tonight, Ben and I had cold cuts, french fries, and peas.

Eden had string cheese, apple juice, corn flakes and ketchup (No milk - yes, ketchup ON the corn flakes. Her idea.), and and one chocolate covered raisin.

How much ketchup do you put on cornflakes? Do you drown them, like in milk? Or are they a kind of a dip? What if the cornflakes are towards the bottom of the box and are kind of crumbly?

Do I feel better about the single raisin or worse because it was chocolate covered?

My First Meme

Whoo Hoo! You know you're truly part of a blogosphere when you get tagged in a meme, and not just take one when someone says "Consider yourself tagged if you'd like to be."

So, here it is! I got tagged by my good friend triLcat. While the subject matter is somewhat boring and reminiscent of office ice breaker games, she came up with some good ones.
Here goes. Sometimes I take myself too seriously.

Here are the rules:
1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people (if possible) at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.

=======
Seven things about me:

1. I am so much of a control freak that I wouldn't let Ben surprise me with a marriage proposal and a ring.
   
2. I also hate surprise parties, although I'd secretly love Ben to throw one for my birthday (in less than a month, hint hint!) But only if he was sure that I'd LOVE it. So I can settle for something slightly less challenging.
3. While that may sound a little scary and off-putting, I generally consider myself pretty open minded and accepting, when it comes to other people. I think I'm accepting of some things that others wouldn't stand for. Some people reading this may disagree, and this does not apply in some specific situations, only generally.
   
4. Growing up, I never wanted to be a mom, and I hated babysitting.
   
5. I wanted to study art academically.
   
6. In high school, I collected quotes on my binders, written in white out pen.
   
7. I really really really miss some of my old friends. If you're out there, I'm sorry that we are so out of touch that we don't really understand each other anymore.
   

People I tag:
No one.

Sorry to break the link, people. I hate chain letters and I feel terrible for passing them on. If you'd like to take this meme, feel free. If you are new to blogging and no one has tagged you in a meme yet, please take this one.

Reading this over again, I also realized that very few of these things are actual facts, and are more just impressions of myself. Oh well, its a fact that I feel a certain way. Take that.

Some thoughts on living remotely

Check out Bedlam Farm's Brooklyn pictures. He comments on how far away he is from everything at his farm in upstate NY, and how he is struck by the options people have at their fingertips in the city. Advantage of driving an hour and a half to get to anything: He gets to listen to a lot of music.

True that - people who do a lot of driving, or a lot of traveling for that matter, whether by train, car, or foot, and listen to music while doing so, have a great advantage. I listen to music all the time in the car, I need it to keep me awake. But I do admit that I could have a better selection. For ease of use, I just keep it on galgalatz, whose choices may be less than ideal. Ideally, I'd have it linked to one of those internet radio stations that keeps dynamic, depending on what you tell it that you like. That would be fun.

A part of me would love to live out in the middle of nowhere, but I do need my life at my fingertips. I like that my dr, pharmacy, medical center, dentist are all down the street, in addition to a great kiosk that has even recently been supplying fruits and vegies! Thats cool. The mall is a 10 min walk. And my friends - well some are just around the corner. For others, I have Facebook.

No System, No System At All

I have no toy system. There I've said it, I'm sorry to say that I have absolutely no system for cleaning up Eden's toys. Most of the rest of the house, there is at least a system, even if it doesn't always work. But toys - I am at a loss.

We have books, and hair-clips, and shoelaces, and blocks, and little people spread all over the living room. I guess we don't really have a playroom to dump all these things in, but I wouldn't really want Eden playing in there anyway, I like it when she plays in the living room, where we play too. And most of the time I just cannot bear to make her clean it up every night before she goes to bed - no actually its almost never that I do. Either she has built some beautiful castle. Or her kitchen is just such a mess, it takes just as much time to clean up as mine does. And her crayons and cuttings and scissors and glue - they are just such a staple that it seems a shame to put away, because they are so easy for her to pick up and do by herself. Actually, also, when we put those things away, we usually throw them away, and she can't bear to throw them away. I have to do it later, after she's long forgotten that she's ever made them.

An aside - (I know I keep mentioning this, but hey its my right) her artistic creations are really quite nice. She's got talent. So its hard for me to throw them away too. But you just cannot keep all the things that a 3 year old makes. Its a problem, with an especially creative 3 year old. We just threw out the "slippers" she made in gan for Yom Kippur.

She uses hair clips to connect ribbons and shoelaces, because she can't tie knots yet.

Her toys and books actually do all have homes, in her room. Funnily enough she cannot go to sleep with anything on the floor in her room, or anything out of place in her room - even a closet door not closed - so its easier for any mess to stay out of the room. And I'd prefer to have her eat, bathe, and get to sleep before collapsing than make her clean her mess up.

Hence, the lack of system, and the big piles of children's books, toy kitchen supplies, ribbons connected by hair clips, stuffed animals, fake jewelry, and other such treasures currently piled up, blocking the corner of my beautiful breakfront. I'm just happy I have somewhere to put my feet on the floor, but I do wish they would get put away more often.

We Voted!

That is, Eden, Ben, and I. This is only the 2nd time I've ever voted in Israel. Its pretty antiquated, but that's OK. No voting machines here - human error all the way!

I thought it would be a good experience in civil duty for Eden, so we spoke about it a lot. Like how the mayor (no not her friend Meir, but mayor, as in Rosh Hair) was like a gannenet, except that everyone in the city gets to choose the gannenet. (please no jokes about nanny states)
And how voting was like, if she and another friend wanted to go on the swings, but a third wanted to go on a slide, they got to go on the swings because 2 is more than 1. We do math and civics together here.

She was pretty excited about it - it was apparently the first thing she asked about this morning. And aside from the screaming all the way home because she wanted to go to ANOTHER school too, it was fun.

I remember going with my mom once to vote when I was young. It's empowering, its important, and it feels good to teach her about democracy.

I love the rain!!!

I love the rain. Not really so much in February, when everyone is sick of winter and wants to go to the beach already, but now, in October. I'm sitting with the window open listening to the rain on our porch and it is just the most delicious sound I have ever heard.

Me loving the rain is I think one of the reasons why I have this blog. Most people would grow tired of hearing about how much I love the rain quite quickly. Here I can express it to my hearts content (since my readership is close to nil anyway), and not worry that I'm boring anyone. If you're bored, you'll browse away. Just come back soon please.

More boring information - we had a terrific dinner tonight. Ben suggested we use up our stovetop chicken and veggies in a tomato sauce over shells. Such a great idea, and it tasted really good. We had peas and baby corn and onions, as well as lots of yummy chicken juice.

And....we got some of our posters framed!! Ben and I as singles were both really big on posters, still love art, our house is covered with it. And we have some really terrific posters that we always hung, but never framed, because it just was never in the budget. I mean, frames? Who has money for that? We just hung them without the frames. But now, after painting, we really didn't want to make holes in the wall if we were just going to move them later, so we decided not to put anything up until it had a frame on it. So we framed our Dali's Aliah, our Zeev Raban's Come to Palestine, and our Monet's San Giorgio Maggiore at Sunset. The Monet Ben bought on our first date (not for me, I just helped him pick it out), so it holds a special place in our hearts.

There is something about framing our posters that makes me feel like - this is it. We're here, we've made it. Money comes and money goes, but if we can feel comfortable enough to frame our posters, we are doing all right.

So Thank God for rain, Thank God for frames. And Thank God for Ben's chicken recipes.

Eden and Her Music

I think that sometimes its hard to think of little kids as anything but bits of mom and bits of dad. Sometimes I find myself watching Eden and thinking - wow, that's just like me, or that's just like Ben. And I'm surprised when she does things that are totally herself. Actually, now that I think of it, I rarely see things that are totally herself, I see Ben's parents in her, especially now that she spends so much time with them. I see my own parents, and even my grandparents in her.
For example, she's got a smile that comes straight from my Bubbe, and it warms my heart to see it.

And the other night, when she wanted to show me a picture she had drawn, I told her to bring it here. She said, no, you come here. We both stretched and only just could not reach each other. She learned that I can out-stubborn her, even if I am perhaps the only person that can. I've got 22 years of stubbornness on her, and its going to be a long time until she truly wins a staring contest.*

That all probably ought to change, and soon. But in the meantime, one thing that she gets from Ben is his music. He listens to the nuttiest music! Aside from the regular GD, Phish (both of which he listened to non-stop for the first 2 years of our marriage, utterly ruining my music appreciation), Dylan, DMB, regular-kinds-of-things, he's got Tyrannosaurus Rex, Skip Spence, Artcic Monkeys, Anthony and the Johnsons, Carla Bruni, Beirut, Love, My Morning Jacket, Songs-Ohia, and Spain. Oh, and must include The Thermals also. I never listen to any of these, unless he's in the room and puts it on.

I keep to my angry-bitch music, like prolific Ani Difranco and calming Tracy Chapman, and the ever easy, companionable Gal-Gal-Galatz.

I also love Wikipedia :)

Eden's not so big any of my music, and prefers T-Rex and especially dancing to Phish. We are all musical products of our parents music. I wonder what she will listen to when she gets older?

* I do let her win every now and then. It helps keep the thunder at bay.

Saba Tuvia for Mayor!

Its election fever here in Modiin, and almost every building has at least one campaign sign hanging from a porch gate.
One candidate, Doron Shuldenfrei, happens to look somewhat similar to one of Eden's favorite DVD characters - Saba Tuvia.

See for yourself -
Saba Tuvia:Doron:
Ok, so really, they are only just both bald with glasses. But in the dark, looking from the street to a sign that's three stories up, to our 3 year old its the same person.

Needless to say, Eden would now also like a "Saba Tuva" sign swinging from our porch!

And imagine if we had Saba Tuvia running our city council!

I wonder how many other parents of 3 yr olds here wonder the same thing....

Some More Bits on Schools

The holidays have allowed me time for reading, surfing, blogging. There is still lots to clean up, but we are just going to make a mess again over the next Shabbat-Hag-Shabbat, so I might as well clean it somewhat before Shabbat - why now?

Just read a post at adderabbi, who happens to live here in Modiin, about Chareidi teachers, such as Eden's. He's right - the best and the brightest don't go into medicine or law, they go into teaching. Which is fine with me, except that we risk raising another generation of Chareidi leaning children.

But, as Ben says, if you never teach your child shtuss, they will never learn to question.

Was discussing ganim with some friends, where I found that in the regular city ganim, only the boys are chazanim also, so it's not only Eden's Chareidi gan. Which made me feel better about her relative education, but leaves me questioning the system in general. Not that the system here differs that much idealogically than center-right Orthodox education worldwide. I wonder what sort of an effect leading group prayers has a on a child. What if I had been allowed to daven for the ammud in 5-8th grade? Points to ponder.

Nature or Nurture?

Overheard from downstairs:
Eden: "But I don't like the grilled cheese."
Ben: "Well then what would you like to eat?"
Eden: "I don't know."
Ben: "Let's go look in the fridge."
Eden: "I need to make a list."

Have a problem that needs a solution? Make a list!

Moments like this make me proud.

In an Alternate Life

Job opp advertised on the nefeshbnefesh email list. Once upon a time, I trained as a librarian, and if I had a different life, different family, different social, financial, and personal needs, I might have made this a realistic goal. At the moment, I can only dream and keep at my technical writing, which fulfills a good amount of my actual social, financial, and personal needs. Oh, and be grateful for what I have instead of wishing for what I don't.

The National Library of Israel

The Book and Paper Conservation Department

Job opening

Senior Book Conservator

Responsibilities include:

- Providing condition assessments, identifying appropriate preservation and conservation treatments, and undertaking the documentation, conservation treatment, and housing of the material
- Assisting in the preparation of exhibitions of a wide range of paper objects, early prints and manuscripts from the Library's Rare Collections and Archives
- Working in tandem with other members of the preservation, conservation, exhibition, photography, and imaging units within the Library and outside it.
- Contributing to conservation surveys, and together with the Curators and the Head of the Conservation Department, establishing conservation priorities and treatment strategies for the collections.
- Additional duties may include assisting with the implementation of preservation programs such as the education of patrons, monitoring environmental controls, integrated pest management, emergency preparedness and response.

Required Qualifications:

- A Masters Degree or certificate in Conservation and a minimum of five years working experience in a museum or library, or a combination of equivalent formalized advanced training and experience in the conservation of books and paper materials.

- The ability to work independently, as well as with a team, good decision-making and problem-solving skills.

- Strong interpersonal, oral and written communication skills.

- Good computer skills.

- High level of proficiency in English. Knowledge of Hebrew is necessary.

Full time position. Salary commensurate with qualifications, and experience.

Applications will be accepted no later than 1/01/2009

Send resume and relevant certificates stating the position no. 08/15 to:

The National library of Israel

Human resources Dept., P.O.Box 39105, Jerusalem 91390

Have You Seen Me Lately

Because I haven't.....
I've been feeling under the weather, not feeling myself really. This morning I decided that I couldn't face 6 AM traffic and that I'd work at home. I ended up sleeping in until 7:30. Mmm... good times.

I've also been busy. I found the one shoemaker in Modiin - hooray!! - whose store is around the corner from Eden's gan, and I've taken all my shoes that have needed fixing over the past year. I'm so excited for shoes! He actually tried to convince me to buy new ones, since they were cheap boots anyway, but I told him no way. I'm sick of shopping for clothes. That does not say that I do not need more clothes, just that I'm sick of looking for them.

The Shabbat-Hag-Shabbat-Hag-Shabbat-Hag-Shabbat-Hag (it does seem to go on forever doesn't it) leaves us alternately rushing to prepare and sleeping and hanging out in the park all afternoon being lazy. Eden has moved from her "Guess what Eden, tonight its Hag/Shabbat, and we're going to Shul!" - "Again?!?" to "Why?"
Why what Eden, why are we going to shul? Why is it Hag or Shabbat? We've been ducking out on the shul at some points, I can understand why someone would have enough of it.

We put up some more art on the wall, makes us love the house a little more. Curtains are still, yes still, yet to come. Frames too.

Eden came home from gan today with terrific sukkah decorations. We hung them and made some more. Thanks to gans and kids, I plan on our sukkah getting better and better every year.

I think of some great blog posts a few times a day, but never remember them later. This is one of those times that I'm not remembering them later, andso I'm just sharing a stream of conciousness. Thanks for stopping by and Shana Tova :)

Flipping Through

My new surfing technique is to click the little "Next Blog" link at the top of blog pages. I'm tired of Slate, the local Modiin list, and the variety of other pages I read when I waste time.

Many things not in English, but even on those there are some nice pictures from places all over the world. Some languages I can't begin to recognize. In fact the majority are NOT in English. Most are in an Asian language.

I read a post, look at pictures. Read About Mes.

Check out these coasters. I'd like to have them, if I lived different life and had a different sort of house and family.

My heart rises at photography like Jon R's. A lot of people probably think these are boring but I like them. Once upon a time I dabbled in photography myself. If I ever have the time and money, I'd love to do it again. And I'd have a photography blog, with my best photos of the day.

I came to the EvilPig's blog twice in 10 minutes of Next Blog-ing, so I'm not sure how great this function is really. I couldn't read it of course, and also wasn't so impressed with the graphics. Although I suppose I'm not one to talk, never having graphics myself here. I also came to Custom Paper Toys twice, and although I can read it and the pictures are nice, it looked too boring to even read the first post.

dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt before, sing as though no one can hear you, live as though heaven is on earth. -souz

That's a quote I would have doodled on my notebook in high school in white out pen. It sounds pretty, so it doesn't matter whether you understand it or agree with it.

Now - on to my Friday list. Shabbat Shalom and Shana Tova to all.

P.S. Not wasting time was not one of my New Year's resolutions this year. I cannot bear to give it up.

My Thoughts About Fasting

I don't like it.
I also don't think I'm very alone in this feeling - most people I know would prefer a full belly to an empty one, in general. Some make exception for religious fasts, and some agree with me - we still don't like it.

Not only do I not like it, but I don't get it really. Being that I'm towards the end of a pretty easy fast (I woke up at 5 AM to have coffee and cereal), I'll try to explain coherently. I wonder how many Orthodox Jews agree with me? Who can convince me otherwise? I'm all ears.

My question is - what is the purpose of the fast? As I've been taught, it's meant to provoke a feeling of seriousness , introspection, atonement.

Which might be very well and good if I lived in a vacuum, just for the day even, and could spend it in seriousness, introspection and atonement. And even then, I find myself faltering at about now - 5:25 PM - and think that a drink of water or a small cracker would do wonders for my capabilities of self-analysis, forgiveness of others, and focusing on the wrongs in the world and within ourselves. I'm not talking about a full course meal here, a piece of bread and some water would be fine. Stale bread would do as well.

Aside - we could have a whole market of "fast day food". It would come pre-packaged, in appropriate sizes. Not too much - we want that growling stomach to remind us of whatever it is we are supposed to be thinking about. But just enough to get the brain cells going. And a small cup of water, just enough to see that our breath doesn't smell and others can stand to allow us to open our mouths around them. Packaged in recycled materials of course so that we can be sure of our morality at least on a fast day.

Back the point I was making. I don't live at the times that these fasts were enacted, and I can't say what the working man was doing then. But now, in 2008, I really can't skip out on work for a religous fast. (Yom Kippur - yes, but that is Shabbat Shabbaton, and we don't drive, use electricity, or manage money. But I'll get to Yom Kippur specifically in a minute.) Maybe if I were really dedicated to my religon and the inspiration provided for me by the fast, I would take advantage of Eden's pre-school and take the vacation day and spend it in study, introspection, and prayer. I guess I'm just not that dedicated enough. It might be nice to live in a world where I could be. I'd probably get there at the same time that I take off for Chol Hamoed, enjoying the holiday spirit with my family, instead of working my butt off to make up for the work missed because I'm home with Eden who does not have pre-school during Chol Hamoed. Not that I don't love being home with Eden, but I just don't have enough vacation days to take off for every Jewish 1/2 holiday and fast day. Even with my Israeli-govt given holidays. If one day I do have the vacation days? I might really think about it. Although I do admit it will be difficult to trade that for a month in Venice.

What did the working man (or woman!!) do? Did they really fast and work in the fields at the same time? Tishrei is harvest time - did they really let the fields go for the day while they studied, prayed, and introspected? Or did they spend the entire day in the fields with no drink or food?

Granted I did not spend the day in the fields. But I did spend a good hour on the Israeli high-ways while fasting. Seems I was tireder than I thought and I should have left earlier or had a caffiene pill. It might be argued that driving tired and hungry on the Israeli highways might be compared to working in the middle-eastern fields while fasting.

This post is taking the long way around. I blame the lack of glutens. Excuse me. What I'm trying to say is that I don't know if these fasts were really meant for everyone. For all time. We just aren't the same people with the same abilities that we once were. We have to work on fast days and not everyone is up to it. Not everyone has the ability to take the time off.

The second thing I wanted to say is about being a mom. Thank God we have some movies for Eden to watch, or we would never have gotten through 9 Av. Thank God I have a Ben who is watching a movie with Eden now, or I wouldn't be writing this post - I'd be watching with her. Is this really what I want to teach her - that fast days are movie days because Mommy can't deal with active parenting? Someone important died, great lets get Disney out. Seriously, seriously not. And what to do on Yom Kippur? For Eden, its just another day that we go to shul, pray, don't color or watch movies, don't braid hair. And on top of that ALSO don't go to the park because Mommy and Daddy are really not with it. For me, its just another day of trying to keep Eden busy and happy while not using electronics, or the park. And also not eating or drinking, and trying my hardest to get some prayer in!

To finally get to my Yom Kippur points, this is the hardest. Fasting on Yom Kippur really does nothing for me. If anything, it angers me a bit, which is not something I want to be doing on our Day of Atonement. If God wants me to atone - if I want me to atone - why fast? Fasting makes me irritable, tired, cranky. Not open to self-criticism. It doesn't make me feel holy, it makes me feel hungry. (To be fair, I think I really did have good Yom Kippurs back when I had only me to think about, and only me my relationship with God and my people to focus on. How terribly selfish.)

Do other working moms get more out of fasting than I do? I wish I knew, and I wish I knew how. I'm talking about without high-holiday babysitting, that seems to be a Young Israel-invented luxury. Maybe people with more spirituality than myself. I have to try hard to make room for religon in my life - which I do because I think its important, and I generally enjoy it - but its very difficult to make room for religous fasting on top of that.

You might say that religon isn't all enjoyable. Sometimes we do it as a sacrifice, a pennance. That the purpose isn't atonement, but rather accepting the yoke of God. Better spend the day sleeping in bed because you have no energy from the fast, than to eat a small bit and have the ability to stand all day in prayer. Its possible, but it doesn't seem to make me a better person, and I feel no better afterwards for having done it for those reasons.

I fast because I'm an Orthodox Jew and we fast on certain days. And I've chosen to be part of a community, and am generally happy about my choice. I think there is a good amount of flexibility found in Orthodox Judaism today (sometimes you have to look hard!), and this is one of our rules. You want to be a part of the community, accept the communities fasts. And I understand the neccesity of something so extreme that it carries forth throughout generations. A fast will do this - study and introspection and anything else dependant on the individual will not. All the same, I really can't agree with it. Fasting doesn't seem to do for me what it sounds like its supposed to. I can't imagine that I'm the only one who thinks this way.

Conclusion: I think fasting is something that needs to be rethought a bit. Its a pretty radical conclusion, seeing as fasting is indicated in the Torah itself. But there must be other, serious minded Modern Orthodox Jews who are having similar thoughts, and I'm curious to where it can go. Traditions for the sake of tradition are only so strong, and are bound to break. I'm all for keeping the meaning of the tradition alive, but I think we need to find a new way to do this. Suggestions welcome.

Project Forgiveness

Sometimes I read a blog because I know the person in real life, like them and what they have to say.
Sometimes, when I read a blog, I may have no clue who they are in real life, but really like what they have to say.
Sometimes, when I read a blog, I may have no clue who they are in real life, somewhat like what they have to say, but really really really like how they say it.

One such blog in this 3rd category is Project Forgiveness. Tomorrow is Rosh Hashana. How many of us think seriously about what we are sorry for this year? How many of us think so seriously that we ask eachother for forgiveness?

Years ago, I had a serious argument with someone I was once quite close with. We had both changed, and the people we had become no longer got along, or even really understood eachother. I received a call a few Rosh Hashana's ago from this friend, asking for my forgiveness. This friend told me that they weren't sure what had gone wrong, and was part of a group that was bringing them closer to religion, and that the group had resolved to ask their friends for forgiveness seriously. And would I forgive them for the hurt they had caused.

This request for forgiveness may have been sincere. It really may have been. I couldn't help feeling that there was something missing though. It was probably wrong, but I gave my forgiveness, even though I'm not sure I truly forgave until much later. I've had thoughts about calling and finally being truthful - I hadn't forgiven you, it didn't seem right. I said that I forgave you because I didn't want to bring it up again. You didn't know what went wrong, it didn't seem worthwhile telling you. I didn't have the heart to say during Tishrei that I hadn't forgiven you. (For what its worth, I do think that I have forgiven this person, finally. Its an accomplishment.)

How would we ask for forgiveness from our loved ones - or not loved ones! What a thought! - if we knew that they would not respond except to say yes or no. Or perhaps not even at all. What if we had a chance only to express that we were sorry, without opening old wounds. Without having to see them the next day, knowing that they saw you differently. Without opening new wounds - what if the person never knew that you had wronged them in this way? We are social beings and must interact to communicate. Communication involves a give and take. But what if it didn't? What if you could just say - I'm sorry. For all these things. Specific things. Don't respond, just hear me. I'm sorry.

Most cultures have a tradition of looking forward to the new year. New Year's Resolutions - how will I do better this year? Judaism says, you cannot know how you can do better this coming year without knowing what you might have done better with this past year. Its not really about losing the 5 lbs for good, finding that job, getting married, getting pregnant. Those are obvious things that we will or will not do anyway. Instead, how could I have been better to my spouse, my children, my extended family? How might I have been more sensitive to the people around me? What did I learn from this years mistakes? How could I be better to myself?

First, to acknowledge how we fell short. To be truly sorry for them, and to say - this year I'm going to fix this. Next year, maybe I will still be 5 lbs too heavy, still single, still in the same dull job, (hopefully in this day of medical miracles, not still childless), but I will not have to be sorry for these same things.

The first thing I'm sorry for is not writing one of these of my own yet. Rosh Hashana is tomorrow night and I've got to get to it.

I HEART Eden's Pre-School

You heard right. After 3 years in 2 different day-cares, we've finally found the one I've been waiting for her whole life. Granted, its a pre-school, not a day-care. And I go back and forth between not wanting to talk too soon and being grateful for what I have, when I have it. Realist that I am, I know that it may not always seem as wonderful as it does now.
Because it does now seem wonderful. Its a small class, with attentive teachers. Even the afternoon teacher, who I had understood was going to be little more than a babysitter, is terrific. At 5 PM she does not leave them to freely play inside or outside while she chills out. Instead she is still sitting with the kids, coloring, helping them build towers, all with a great deal of patience and very visible love. She disciplines through positive reinforcement (as far as I've seen) and it works, and works well. She knows just what Eden's eaten for lunch (no vegies ever) and when she's last gone to the bathroom.
Parents comments have found receptive ears. We've done away with the 4 PM chocolate sandwiches, instead having peanut butter and date spread. We asked not to give the kids cookies or candy before leaving, and they stopped. We even asked for them to change their prayer routine a little bit to include the girls more, and I believe that they will take our advice and find a way to do so. (Not my ideal solution but it is an ultra-orthodox preschool and there is only so much we can ask for on that end. As long as I know that Eden doesn't feel left out, I don't mind. At the moment she still says the bracha on tzitzit even though she doesn't wear them.)
We asked for healthier lunches and should be getting them. We asked for some more advanced activities, and got English and Art Appreciation once a week, alternating weeks. At age 3! My kid gets to learn about Monet and Van Gough from an expert in art and early childhood education.
And during her first week, she came home with artwork centered around the topic "Always start with the smile". That's the way we've started the year, and I can't ask for more.

Kids Don't Eat Green Food

A few years ago, Heinz came out with green and purple ketchup. We tried it, it was interesting. Odd eating green ketchup.
Now I'm thinking that maybe green ketchup isn't such a bad idea. I'd like to get Eden in the habit of eating green foods.
We are getting a little bit repetitious and boring in our dinners. The vegies that Eden will eat include broccoli, corn, and peas. Nothing more, nothing less. So that's what I make and that's what I serve. We are all getting a little bored of it. I think I hit rock bottom the other day when I thought I could serve pancakes with a spinach sauce. Eden and Ben ended up eating the pancakes with peanut butter (Eden stuck a few peas on hers). I didn't think the spinach was that bad, but oh well.
Honestly, she would be happy with 2 bowls of cereal, a pbj, and a vanilla yogurt every day. Oh and a vitamin and a cookie.
Why does her eating habits (or lack thereof) drive me nuts? My mom said I did not eat vegies until I was 9 or so. My mother in law says I should leave her alone and offer healthy things and she will take what she needs, and I shouldn't give her a complex. Eden gets her vitamin daily, and she does love fruit. I'm concerned about the percentage of sugar and fats in her diet and I know that I should probably shut up about it. I think that Ben sees my point of view but thinks I need to chill out. Her gannenet says that none of the other kids eat the veggies at lunch - with the exception of one or two.
I go back and forth. I'm all for letting Eden take what she needs and not driving her crazy. I want to make dinner time a fun time, a family time, not a stressful time for all of us. And I suppose I have this fairy tale idea that its my job to make the dinner and every one else's job to eat it.
And Eden is just the most wonderful little girl to love, and is a terror to force something on. It breaks my heart when she cries, but it also makes me angry when she won't eat.
It's probably all wrapped up in something deeply psychological, having to do with a mixture of my own childhood, working mommy guilt, her being an only child, environmental pressures, and the fact is that she is as stubborn as I am, and often quite creative.
Note: I find it a point of progress that I am able to laugh at the pancakes and spinach and am proud of said progress.

I Suppose I'm Israeli - Political Warning

I suppose there comes a time in every oleh/olah's life where they realize, wow, I'm really not American/Canadian/British/Anywhereelseian anymore. I must be Israeli. And then there is just no going back.
That moment happened this weekend for me, when it hit me that I'm terribly conflicted as to who to vote for in the coming US election. My first instinct is "who is good for the Jews/Israel". On that note, I would definitely have to vote Republican. Israel has had one of its strongest friends in Pres. Bush, and I believe that it would continue to do so in a McCain/Palin administration. In the end, I think that this is the only thing that matters for me.
Except that I'm not a conservative. I never have been. I'm for minority rights, I'm pro-choice, pro-alternate marriage. Ok, I'm an economic conservative, but a social liberal. And I know, I know that you cannot listen to all that you read, but I like to read online magazines, and they are now all filled with all sorts of smut about the candidates that drives me nuts. Particularly the stuff about Palin.
I have to admit that I don't like Palin personally. She may be a great politician (if I liked her politics), but I just don't like the choices that she's made. Perhaps its Mommy Guilt coming over me, but there is just no woman who is a super-woman. You cannot do it all, and do it all well. You just can't have a big and young family and be second-in-command at the same time. I'm sure that her husband is as supportive as can be, and I'd like to think that I'd say this of a man in the same situation. I just feel that being a mom to a disabled child is a full time job (as is being a father!). I feel that a teenage girl whose pregnant needs her mom. And said mom will just not be able to be there for her children as much as she needs to be when she's on the campaign trail, and later serving in Washington. Again, I'd like to think I'd say the same if it was a man - these kids need their father too.
I guess I like my politicians focused on their jobs - keep the family side of it small. Leave the baby-making to people who don't have countrys to run.
But that's just personally. For some reason the McCain/Palin admin seems like it would be even further right than Bush's was. And I'd like to get some stem-cell research jumpstarted.

I'd like to interject here that I almost never ever ever speak politics except with my dearly loved. Whom I often disagree with, but love just the same. I don't feel the need to discuss it with anyone, and in this post it's really just a means to an ends.

Which is, that I don't feel really completely comfortable voting for either Obama or McCain. Because something about them bothers me - Obama's foreign politics and McCain domestic politics. And when I realized that, I realized that I had more in common with average Israelis than I did with average Americans.

Here, abortion is a bit of a non-issue. The workplace is family friendly - take mine for example. I have no problem taking off for a sick kid. None whatsoever. My boss took almost 2 consecutive weeks last year if not more when hers was sick. I work 6:30 -3:30. And none of this is suprising to anyone. Gay rights are a non-issue also, and we've had gay pride parades in our religious capital for a few years straight now. Education sucks, yes. The real estate market sucks, yes. Taxes suck big time. (I do think all of these issues will be moving somewhere...we need patience). And in the last Israeli election I also didn't really have a clear candidate to vote for, although I did have a party that I wanted to vote for. I wanted to vote Kadima, but thought that Olmert was a sleazy scumbag. (Boy was I right!) I would still vote Kadima, although Livni or Mofaz I can't say. I'm happy with Kadima's economic statements. Basically happy with their security statements, if not happy with their proven "successes". Happy in the direction that Kadima might take our country, which is more than I can say for either Republicans or Democrats in the US.

So I guess that a Jew who has no other place to go back to is finally Israeli. Its good to be home.

Go Here Its Important

http://muqata.blogspot.com/2008/09/getting-tough-israel-most-wanted.html

Judging from my site tracker, I don't think that my blog is particularly widely read. But this is worth a try - if you've seen these men, please let the rabbinate know.

I'm not a Soccer Mom or Welcome to Chug Mommy

Eden loves her new gan. On the way home yesterday, she told me, "Mommy, Racheli is nice" (Racheli is her new teacher). The afternoon teacher is also excellent. In the great tradition of gan, we don't hear very many details, aside from "Eden was wonderful today. She played so nicely." Or from Eden, "I had fun today. I played in the sand with Ariel and he went like *that* with the sand (hand going dramatically UP, so much so that you can see the sand flying in the sky) and it was in my eyes and I didn't cry because I'm a big girl and it was fun." Great Eden.

Oh and that she told her teacher that she has a baby brother named Amit at home. Also a winner.

The very fact that she comes home happy, is excited to go the next morning, and even tells me about things that she learns is really all I need.

It really helped that she went with 4 kids that she knew - 3 from her gan last year, and one from the neighborhood and shul. Two of them are her "best friends" - they've been good friends for 2 years of gan now, and it looks like they have at least another 2 years ahead of them. They will probably end up attending the same elementary schools as well. They play a lot at gan and visit after gan as well.

So to bring this post home a bit (I've been wandering) her two friends are taking a ballet chug together. We thought about signing Eden up for a chug (extracurricular class) this year, since this is the year that they start them, and a lot of her friends will be. Granted, I didn't know that her two friends were signing up, or maybe I would have thought differently, but we actually made a concious decision not to sign her up for anything.

I'm starting to get those bad parent feelings - am I depriving her of an early start on English by not signing her up for an English chug? Or on being in touch with her body for not signing her up for dance? Am I stimulating her enough for her age - will she be able to keep up with her peers who are all attending chugim this year? Will she be bored if she wants to play with a friend and we can't find any - because they are all at chugim? Is this really what is best for her?

Honestly, I have to say that I didn't completely have only her interests at heart - I was also thinking of me, and our little family. Its all I can do to come home ~5 ish, cook a decent supper, clean up a bit, have dinner together with Eden and Ben, spend time together and get Eden bathed and to bed before she falls apart. Sometimes I have time for a short errand, but it really depends on how we are all feeling, often we are all tired and hungry and a bit cranky. Sometimes I have to stay late at work and I have Ben or his mom pick Eden up. I really can't see myself to committing to being at a specific spot in the afternoon every week, or see us committing as a family to a weekly lesson after 5.

I don't remember doing anything of the sort when I was little. Granted, when I was Eden's age, I was in a very part time preschool, and was with my mom for the rest of the time. But when I was older, there was no going out after school, unless it was for school. After school was time for homework, supper, family. Time and place and situation have completely changed, but the idea really is foriegn to me.

Eden does often help me with supper - there's a "cooking chug" there. Sometimes we play with arts and crafts - another chug there. And sometimes (ok rarely, at least with me), we turn the music on loudly and dance together - there's her dance chug. Its all completely flexible, up to whatever the two of us feel like doing. We visit with friends. We've gone to the park. Sometimes we go shopping. All in all, we could call it Chug Mommy. Not so bad, I think.