Last post...

This may be my last post for a while. I'm looking through the window of next week, and I see a lot of laundry, dishes, picking up, driving, burping, cooking, working, happying, and sadding (spending happy and sad time with family). Some eating. Not a lot of time sleeping. Hopefully some time measuring formula. Probably not so much blogging.

I've found that, contrary to what the lactation consultant I spoke with a few weeks ago, I don't have a milk supply problem. If anything, I have an overabundance that is causing a fore milk/hind milk imbalance. However, after working for a week and a half - at only part time! - I do indeed have an energy supply problem. I find myself falling apart at about 9 PM. Never mind that it's just too early - it means I don't have the energy to deal with late and middle of the night feeding and caring for Yemima. Which I also need to do. Something has got to give. Most likely it's going to be nursing, or at least pumping.

Which means that Yemima needs to drink formula. She was doing pretty well with the milk, until she broke out in a rash covering almost her entire body. Once the rash went away, we tried it again, only to be met with an entire evening of poop. I'm not kidding. I had dreams of poop on the walls (at least I think they were dreams!). She was up all night, and we decided after that, that the milk was not such a good idea.

We have to see about the soy. Rather, this may take time, but she WILL take it. She MUST because I am not doing this pumping thing for much longer. But she doesn't like it, and grimaced every time I tried to give it to her. Ben did have some luck, but she'll have to do better before I can stop pumping.

It is nice being back at work. I do feel that it's time to move up and on. Get back into real life. Find a routine that works for the long term. Yemima's doing well at daycare, and I feel quite comfortable with her caretakers there. It's also nice to see all my friends and friends' kids at pickup ;) - park dates in the spring time anyone?

hmmm...

This being my last post for a little bit, I could write a lot more. Like how we're wavering about Eden's gan next year. (Are we really ready for Israeli Modern Orthodoxy in all it's institutionalism? Not so sure....)

But the house is waiting to be cleaned up. Time is ticking away. And I only have 8.5 hours until morning.

Journey Ends Here

The breastfeeding journey that is.

It hit me today. My knees ached. My elbows ached. My feet ached. It felt like I was pregnant again, except that I was holding my baby on my lap instead of inside me. I'm just plain tired.

The past few days have gone by in a rush. Nights run into mornings, run into days, run into evenings, run into nights.

Last Thursday, Yemima broke out in a big rash all over her body. I took her to the doctor, who gave her an antihistamine and suggested we start looking for things that she was allergic to. First off, we stopped giving her formula, thinking that the milk was a good first choice. After a few days the rash cleared up and we tried it again. No new rash, we thought we were home free. Then last night happened. Poop after poop after poop. Serious amounts of spit up in her crib, in her clothes, in her hair. All night long. Nursing non-stop. Morning came, and we decided no more milk formula - clearly it is not good for her.

I started writing this post last Friday....clearly I was not in a state to finish it.

Read on to the next post.

Working Part Time is Tiring

I was late to work today. 2 days on the job, and man, just not cutting it.

(I am kidding here. I'm lucky to have a very flexible and understanding office. I've got to worry about something though, don't I? What fun is life otherwise?)

Despite the big meeting Ben and I had last week about "How Life is Going to Work", we are still kind of working out the chinks. Like nightime feedings. See, we didn't expect Yemima to go from 8 PM to 2 AM without eating. She woke at 2, and we suddenly didn't have a plan. Was this the "first feeding" that Ben was supposed to take? What do we do if there is only one feeding? Do we have to discuss the pros and cons right now? And when will she wake up next - will I be able to pump at 5?

In case you missed it, sleeping 6 hours straight is what I consider "sleeping through the night". Even if its from 8-2, instead of, say, 11-5. I wonder if she'll do it again.

We are kind of playing it by ear. I did wake and pump at 5 (12 oz, baby!!), but then she woke at 6 and I fed her then. I spent 40 minutes this morning on milk production. Kind of cow-ish. So I left about a 1/2 late and ran into traffic, and cows don't usually get stuck in traffic...as far as I know. Cows also don't often want to be sitting at their desk by 7 AM. But then, technical writers aren't often blogging at 3:40 PM.

....Where am I going with this? I'm not really sure....

Working part time is kind of funny. It's a weird feeling to leave the office because I want to. Not because I must get home in time. Not because I need to do errands afterwards, and before I pick the kids up. And weird to not have to stay longer because I've got stuff to do. It can wait until tomorrow. I'm flexible. I'm not stressed. Although, yes, I am tired. Funny that.

For all those wondering, we've all had a decent first few days. Yemima did seem a bit shell shocked when I went to pick her up yesterday, but then she had just woken up. And I didn't want to have to put her down all afternoon. I missed my baby.

I still do. I think I'll go get her now instead of sitting here thinking about her.

Everybody wants to get on the bandwagon

A little while back, I posted about Babble, a new online parenting magazine that I liked. A lot of their authors seem to say things I agree with, and sometimes I feel vindicated in my decisions to not childproof (much..we do plan to pick up small toys once Yemima becomes mobile), not to worry too much about what Eden eats and doesn't eat, and a bunch else.

Recently babble offered a survey questioning what people wanted more of. Expert advice about babies and childrearing? Facts about child development?

Do we really need another babycenter? There are so many websites centered around parenting. I liked this one because it was different. I don't need another place to tell me how my breastmilk needs to be stored, and how long its good for. I don't need another site with a growth chart (often the same growth chart), or telling me that at 3 months and 2 weeks, my baby should have mastered the mini-push up, and should start to laugh soon. I have tipat chalav for all that.

So now, babble has launched the Connected by Kids facebook application. Basically, you enter information about your kids - their ages, genders, likes, activities, and you can either upload photos or link to photos on facebook. Additionally, you can access babble groups here, make Connected by Kids friends (I guess you are connected to your other friends via your and their kids?), and upload photos.

Basically, do just the same things you can do on facebook. Its a facebook within facebook! Ugh, there must be a term for this very common type of social media redundancy. I love forms and surveys and telling information about myself, but even I have had enough.

I want some more original content from babble. Like the most fun kids pajamas. Or whether exersaucers are really worth something. Some kid friendly cheap recipes. Something simple like that.

The very last minutes

Today is the last real day of my maternity leave. (Friday's don't count since I don't work then anyway). Yemima is home, being on vacation from gan for Chanukah. Eden is with Ben's mom and Sarah and Hila at the zoo in Jerusalem. I did promise that I'd clean up and make a really awesome dinner, but somehow I can't stop eating.

For the past two days Yemima's been in gan (!!!!) and I've been using the time to do all sorts of errands that one has time for on maternity leave, but does not get to for months when working. There still will be some left over, and I'll do them next week (I'm only working part time until the end of the month).

Things I did not do while on leave:

Home renovations, like hanging curtains, framing pictures, or painting.

A lot of cooking for the freezer.

Any sort of craft project.

Travel. I mean small time travel, visiting friends I wouldn't otherwise see. This doesn't include our big trip to the US.

Regular coffee dates with friends, even my co-workers also on maternity leave.

Mommy and Me groups.

Walking or any other exercise.

Things I did do:

Weekly baking.

Lots of regular life maintenance errands, at a calmer pace.

Nursing. I consider this an accomplishment that I worked for, even if "working" includes resting and relaxing, and lazing about on the couch with my baby, which I really do think helps. I don't know what its going to be like when I go back to work, but I'm currently able to pump ~10 oz (300 cc) in a single 15-20 min pumping session. That is nothing to laugh at and I consider it a blessing as well. Hopefully I'll be able to feed Yemima during daycare with just 2 pumps a day, before and after work.

Sitting.

Worrying, ruminating. Too much self-analysis. (In this respect, going back to work is going to be much healthier for me!!)

Making lists that later got thrown away.

Taking pictures.

Getting a quick falafel or omelet sandwich instead of going home for lunch.

Laundry. I cannot imagine how I'm going to keep up with the laundry when I go back. I feel like I do a load almost every day!

Reading. Avg about a book every 3 days or so.

Of course I worry. Yemima hasn't slept well at gan yet (for that matter, she doesn't often sleep well at home, so...), but I'm sure she will. She seems to be comfortable with the teachers, as am I. It's a start, and I'm sure it will get much much better.

The rest of life is about to get very complicated. Ben and I had an executive meeting the other night, lasting for over 2 hours, about How Life is Going to Work. We went through the evening schedule. We went through the morning schedule. What Yemima needs at gan, and which of us is responsible for what parts. What time everyone needs to be up by and what time we need to be asleep by. Strategized about giving a formula dream-feed in the hopes that it will push Yemima's sleep through the night (so far it just gives her mondo-poops in the morning, and she still wakes at 2).

I need a written plan like this to keep my anxiety at bay. I need to know that it will work. We did a couple of dry runs of the morning routine and modified it slightly to make it better. The evening seems to be working all right and I'm starting to believe that Ben and I have our evenings back, even if I don't yet have my nights.

What I worry about when there is nothing left to worry about: What am I going to wear on Sunday morning, my first day back? What makes me look as if I've lost ALL the baby-weight, is comfortable to pump in, warm enough/cool enough? Something that says, this woman has it ALL under control, is cool and collected, and excited to jump in. Maybe then I'll convince myself too.

Baking, Bethami Style

I've never been a great baker. Cooking, I can do. Throwing together a bunch of vegies in a pot or a wok - manageable. But something that requires science and specific measurements? Not so good at it.

Nevertheless, I've somehow been able to make a few good cakes in my time, despite my dislike of exact ingredients. (Never bread though. Bread from my kitchen could be used as cinder blocks).

I bought some rhubarb yesterday, on sale for 5 shekels. Hooray for rhubarb! And it's time I baked a cake. (I've been baking cookies regularly since I've been on maternity leave, they are great snacks. That's going to end pronto I think.) Trusty Google returned an impossible recipe:

1 1/2 cups brown rice flour
1/2 cup nut flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 teaspoon your favorite cake spice
1/2 tsp sea salt
1 cup diced rhubarb
2/3 cup mollasses
1 egg
1/3 cup oil
1/3 cup milk
1Tbs apple cider vinegar
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 cup coconut oil
1 cup fruit
1/3 cup nuts

Out of 16 ingredients, I have only 10. Who ever heard of brown rice flour? Almond flour? Do you stock coconut oil in your pantry regularly? Sea salt? We have fake Israeli maple syrup, but I'd really prefer the real thing....same with vanilla. It's just so much better that way.

So I'll try it. Replacing all the flour with plain bleached white. Sea salt will become regular table salt. Maple syrup and vanilla will be the cheap fake Israeli stuff. Apple cider vinegar will be regular vinegar and coconut oil will be canola. I do happen to have strawberries and some crushed pecans, although I'm not sure that's what they mean.

Ironically enough, the google ads at the bottom of the page of course advertise: "1 Tip of a Flat Belly :Cut down 3 lbs of your belly every week by using this 1 weird tip." Ha Ha.

Maybe I'll post a picture of this wonder after it's done.

Suggestions for a little birthday celebration for a mommy of 2 who can't really leave her baby and is starting to feel her maternity leave closing in on her?

Edit: I just noticed that there is no sugar in this??

Another edit: The author of the recipe notified me that posting it here violates intellectual property rights, and I think I also offended her sense of healthy eating. So I've modified the recipe and for the record, am NOT quoting it. I also removed the link. And I agree with Sarah, it sounds terrible anyway. I made this one instead, using shortening and water instead of butter and milk. And I added strawberries. It was divine.

Happy 3 Month Birthday, Yemima!!

I love you, my cuddly, loveable, little piglet-munchkin.

It's Doesn't Have to be All or Nothing

I called a lactation consultant yesterday to get tips on how to make it work, commuting, pumping enough for 9-10 hours. The woman was really sweet, but all that I had feared: pretty much all or nothing.

Her points were:

Your milk supply may indeed run low if you are:

1) On hormonal birth control

2) Not sleeping with your baby

3) Looking for a schedule

4) Looking to sleep through the night

5) Working full time, possibly stressed.

Well, well, well. Not so optimistic, hey?

My alternatives are taking a larger chance on getting pregnant again, continuing to take unpaid leave, and continuing to make do with a third person in our bedroom waking me in the middle of the night. Makes for a woman who is tired, pregnant and sick again, who cannot get any alone time with her husband. Ah yes, and they are also having a hard time making ends meet. As my sister said, objectively these are actually choices. Kind of grim I think, though. When can I get back to being normal?

See I kind of thought it was a good thing for Yemima to eat more, less often. This woman seemed to think not. Because the more full a baby is, the deeper they sleep, and for longer (isn't that a good thing?), and that puts them at a risk for SIDS, especially if they aren't even sleeping in the same room as you are!

Eden started sleeping through the night somewhere around 5 months I think, in her own room, and somehow I never really seriously worried about her breathing. Yes, she slept on her back, without blankets, and we had an audio monitor to hear her cry. But an actual SIDS risk? We didn't worry, and thank God she's still here.

The suggestions that she had for me to ensure that I would keep my supply up were to take fenugreek pills (check), and to pump at work whenever I got the chance, and not necessarily on a schedule, since work might indeed get in the way. I can hear that.

I got better advice from this online group that I joined, which suggested that her caregiver offer no more than 4 oz per feeding. Because a bottle takes so much quicker to finish, she doesn't realize that she is full, and just keeps eating, and will then take less from me later on, which will lower my milk supply and I won't be able to pump. Ah, now a strategy! (Although if she is going to eat so much at night that I won't get to sleep...well at some point sleep may become a priority.)

One nice thing about this lactation consultant though: I was totally expecting to make an appointment with her to discuss my questions and get her advice, and pay her for her time. Instead, she spent around 20 minutes on the phone with me for free! How nice! Perfectly long enough for me to decide her advice wasn't really along my lines anyway.

Yemima turns 3 months old on Monday. She plays, bats at mobiles, holds little toys and puts them in her mouth, puts her fingers in her mouth and takes her own ponytail out of her hair. She also talks up a storm and loves, loves, loves, loves it when people talk to her.

And in a week and a half, we start with her daycare, just a couple hours a day at first. And in 2.5 weeks, I go into the office.

!!!!

One big, sincere thanks.

Jews don't have a Thanksgiving. It's not a religious holiday, and fruma fruma yidden don't do it. Here in Israel, us ex-pats are jokey about it, pretending that we are still true-blue Americans, sometimes compromising on a "Shabbos Thanksgiving", since no one can make it out after work. Deep down, I know that American has become my heritage, and not exactly my identification.

Still, us Golds, we do make it out after work, and celebrate properly with family (it's a lucky thing the next day is Friday, and we can sleep late.) Somehow, it seems important.

Jews who pray daily offer up their own thanks all the time. Even Jews who don't pray daily (like me) are often generally thankful. We look around us every now and then and see so much wonder in our lives. And yet, as any daily davenner knows, it's difficult to continue saying Thank You every day (or 3x a day!) and have it continue to have real meaning and significance. The Jewish traditions and calendar assume that we can take responsibility for our own thanks, and while there are holidays that thank God for specific miracles (Pesach, Chanukah, Purim, Shavuot), and holidays that remind us of awe, humility, etc, there is no day for general thanks. (Comment if I missed one!)

So I'm glad we still do this.

This year, as every year, I'm thankful for family. For our new daughter, Yemima, and our wonderful big girl, Eden. For my wonderful husband, Ben. For my grandparents, and the fact that they are able to enjoy my kids. For my in-laws who are always there for us, right around the corner. For my parents, who are also right around the corner, in a different kind of a way. For friends that have become family, and for family who have more recently become friends.

Also, I'm thankful that Greenpoint Israel is still kicking, and that they seem to keep finding a way to reinvent Ben's job successfully. And that I'm on maternity leave and don't have to think about my own job security this month.

I look around me and decide that I don't believe in evil eyes, and tempt-able devils. We're happy and we're healthy; there can be no greater blessing, and for that I am thankful. I don't need to say it every day, once in a while is good enough, and today's a good day to do it.

Happy Hag HaHodaya, everyone.

P.S. I'm also thankful for Yemima sleeping right now. Wonder if she will tonight when I drive with her and Eden on my own from Modiin to Mevaseret in rush hour traffic? I will NOT pull over on Rt 1, no matter how loud she screams.

Swinging Back - Routine Needed

My own inability to make decisions never ceases to amaze me. It's very annoying of me.

Yesterday morning I was ready to pump in the car while driving in order to keep us from having to buy formula. I don't know why. I just don't want to. It's not even that I'm particularly enjoying nursing Yemima, I just don't want to have to buy formula. It stinks of defeat.

But last night, it hit me. What Yemima needs is good solid feeds, her own, dark room at night, and a bedtime routine. And all these point to formula.

I wanted to do some dry runs for Yemima being away from me, eating from a bottle, being cared for by someone else. I also wanted to get an idea of how much she eats in a sitting, so I know how much I need to pump for her. So I left her with Ben's mom for the morning, with a bag full of pumped milk - about 150 cc (~5 oz). Internet sources say that babies her age usually eat between 3-4 oz, so I figured there'd be some left over. But she gulped it all down! In one sitting, not even stopping to burp! She never has that good a feed when I'm nursing her.

So then I didn't know if that was enough for her, or if she wanted more. I didn't know if that's how much she usually takes, or if it was a huge meal for her. I had no clue as to when she would next be hungry, or how long she would sleep for. In short, the whole day was off. And although she was pretty happy for most of the rest of the day, she didn't sleep or eat well until late at night! Ahhhh!

So I decided this: Yemima just eats better out of a bottle. The bottle doesn't move or try to update it's facebook status while feeding her. Neither does it talk on the phone or put braid a squirming four year old's hair. So I don't blame Yemima. And it seems to me that she could really consolidate her meals if they were all out of bottles. Maybe even so much that she'd sleep at night! In which case, she could have her own room. Consolidated feedings would also allow us to give her a better schedule, and a normal bedtime routine. (Although I don't know about when. She often drifts off to sleep at around 7, which means her bedtime routine would need to start at about 6:30, including bath. We are usually still eating supper at that point....I can see things will need to change.)

If I could exclusively pump and give it to her in bottles, that might be an option. But I think I would need to be pumping all day.

Which brings me to my second thought. The more I think about pumping during work hours, the more I hate it. It's just another thing to stress me out. I seem to have a somewhat stressful job and commute already. We know some super people who are able to raise multiple kids, hold a full time job, and get a degree all at the same time - in different cities! I'm not that super person. Really really not. We need our down time in the evenings, we need our calm family time. We need our sleep. And I think about how I got sick last week in the US - I tend to overexert myself. Plan too much for myself. Commit myself to too much. And it's not very good for my health.

So it kills me, but I think I'm going to slowly give her formula during the day (!!!!) once I go back to work full time. And then I was thinking of just nursing her at night. And probably what I'll do is something in the middle, nursing once or twice a day, possibly pumping once if I can. Not so bad...

Still, I can't believe that this is the conclusion I've come to. I guess in an ideal world I wouldn't work, and I could nurse her for longer? Ahem, not so ideal. Take a longer maternity leave? Um, also not. Some parts of life just suck, I guess. Most of the rest of it is pretty good, so I'll take what I can get. Formula does have many perks, it just runs against my instinct I guess.

It sounds backwards but I think I'm looking forward to going back to work so we just settle in to this decision already.

Building Up the Freezer Stash

Now that we are back from the US, settled in (sorta), feeling better (more or less, some of us more, some of us less), and are starting to get back into routine, I've got to start getting ready to go back to work.

Still a ways off, but mostly I'm starting to think about what Yemima will eat when I'm gone. See, I'm on unpaved territory here.

I don't have a frame of reference really, since it pretty much didn't work at all with Eden. Or rather, it technically did work, but she screamed. And I went nuts. Ok, so I guess that's not really called working. So I don't know where to start.

When I was pregnant, I didn't want to invest that much in nursing supplies because I didn't know how it was going to work. Now that its working pretty well, I did get a bunch of clothes to nurse in and some freezer storage bags. But I still don't know how it's going to work when I'm back at work. Will I have the stamina to keep it going? Probably, the more I invest in conveniences like a hands-free pumping system, a cigarette adapter plug for the pump, more accessories, more storage containers, the more likely I'll keep it going longer. But until I know that I'm willing to go all the way, it seems like a bit of a waste to invest all that in it.

I've been doing a lot of reading. And have found some interesting things. (Funny, reading no longer really means reading books. Although I'm sure that there are no shortage of books on the topic, I've read none. But I've really just been surfing the internet while nursing. And signed up for a Yahoo group.)

As always, my limits are not where I thought they would be. When Eden was little, there was no question: We were NEVER. EVER. EVER. BRINGING HER INTO OUR BED. Also, she was out of our room by 6 weeks, and never back in it except when we were away. And we never broke that. Even if it meant Eden sleeping on a quilt on the floor next to us when we were away, never our bed. Yemima has been in and out of my bed countless times - when she nursed non-stop in the middle of the night (Eden never did that), when the timer for the heater was set wrong on Shabbat and she was cold, when we were in the US and the crib provided by the hotel was not exactly convenient. And I'd do it again, with no qualms. I don't want to make a habit of it, I am not a proponent of a family bed, and much as I like a baby doll to cuddle with, I'd just as soon have my own space (it's not her I want to be cuddling with). And I think I sleep better when she's not there. But I read this one article about making sure to get enough sleep when you go back to work, and the difficulties involved in this (I can only imagine!!) especially while trying to give your baby breast milk only. And one solution to this is keeping your baby close at night. I had thought that we'd be getting ready to move Yemima into her own room right about now, and here I am thinking we'll rent a small crib to keep in our room for another few months until she really sleeps through the night so that I can sleep better. What a switch!

- Interesting factoid: Wheras formula fed babies need more and more formula as they grow older, breastfed babies ages 1 month to 6 months eat on avg about the same amount the whole way through. Cause: the breast milk just gets better. So if I need to pump about 15o cc per feed now for her, chances are I'll probably still need to pump about the same in a few months. Nice to know that I don't have to worry about trying to get double!

I used to be pretty relaxed about nursing Yemima - if it worked, great, if it didn't, oh well. Benefits to both sides. So far, it's been pretty easy, but I don't know what I'll do when it get's tough. (When the going gets tough, the tough get pumping? I like that bumper sticker) But here's something: It's quite likely that I had some sort of flu when we were in the US, probably swine. And I nursed Yemima straight through. Now thank God, it doesn't seem like any other of my loved ones caught it from me - Ben was sick before we left, and Eden has a bad cold, but no fevers all around. Yet if I wasn't nursing Yemima, and she, being only 2 months old has an immune system that is still pretty weak - I don't want to think about the possibilities of her having caught the flu from me. A fever that high in a little baby, in a foreign country (any country where you don't have a local doctor, health insurance, and don't understand how to get health care is foreign in my mommy-book) - I really don't want to think about it. My breastfeeding her may have prevented a real disaster.

Not to say that breastfed babies don't get sick. Point in case - she's got her first cold and is snoring right next to me. But I'm pretty sure its documented somewhere that it does help. And as a working mom, with a limited amount of sick days, it's something to think about. I think that the freezer stash of breast milk just got slightly more important to me.

New record talent: Blogging in bed, Yemima on my left side. My right hand is holding her right hand to soothe her to sleep, my left is somehow under my right, typing this blog. Wow.

You know you are back home when...

The Israeli stewardess says to your 4 year old daughter, as she's riding off the plane on her Trunki, "Ok now, take your mommy's hand and start walking already." Mommy was already holding a little squirming baby, diaper bag and blanket, and was looking through gate-checked strollers, and everybody else seemed to be charmed by the Trunki. But of course, we may be holding up the line a little bit, so it's time to get terse with the pre-schooler.

And the wheels on the baggage cart don't roll straight.

Ah its good to be home. How jealous I was when we left my parents at JFK, and they only had to get their car and drive for an hour and a half. Whereas we had to check in, fly for another 10 hours, and get a cab home.

Things I like about the US:

- Family: There is not enough I can say about this. The time that I and my family spend with my grandparents and extended family is as precious as can be. Pictures to come (once I get them from other people, since we misplaced our camera about halfway through the trip, and only found it again the night before we left), but Eden and her second cousin Kaity got along just wonderfully. And she loved playing with Great-Grandpa all day, and spending the day at Disney with Bubbe (with Cinderella dress, shoes, tiara, ponytails, jewelry, and best of all - pixie dust!!) I don't think I could have given my Grandma a better 80'th birthday present than time with my girls.

- Cheaper shopping: No doubt about that. Nice generics - something Israel needs to do better on. Teva does all right on medicines, we need to move into everything else. Like Walgreen's brand wipes that come out only one at a time and have a little clicky-cloesy thing so that none get wasted.

- And more availability, like these awesome tasting elderberry chewable vitamins that work great on colds. And taste yummy yummy yummy!!

(Ben's sitting next to me in his new cargos and hoodie sweatshirt, and he looks pretty yummy too. :))

- Eden's face as we rose above the clouds, and her comment: We're in the sky! We're with God! It's a tie between that and her face during the Disney parade.

Reason's I'm happy to be home:

- (Edited to add this): Kafeh Hafuch! Everytime I just wanted a cup of coffee, it was too hot and too watery. Not tasty and filling and warm and cozy at all. From the coffee on the plane to Starbucks, to the hotel, to wherever. Israeli's make coffee better, hands down.

- We had too much stuff to keep track of and lost too many things too many times.

- Kosher food. I will never take for granted the ability to stop and get something kosher to eat in just about any city in this country. Or in between cities. Something relatively healthy and tasty, often a pita, humus, falafel, and Israeli salad. Perfect. Of course it helps that we aren't picky about kashrut certificates, the local rabbinate is perfectly fine for us.

- Just.Space.to.Breathe. This doesn't have to do with Israel per se, just with being home. And I think it trumps all else. Hello couch. Hello kitchen. Hello porch. Hello even creaky mattresses in bed. Hello home.

Breathe, Man, Breathe

Whew. I'm breathing. May have forgotten once or twice since the weekend. Traveling, visiting, driving, Disney, changing diapers, nursing, carrying, calming, finally we have an early evening. Both kids asleep, some good fat novels to read, and time to reflect.

My first impressions of the US: I don't know why any Orthodox Jew would ever live anywhere but Israel. The energy spent on vacation just figuring out what and where to EAT, I need a vacation just from that on it's own. When I go on vacation, I want to just pack some diapers and wipes and GO, knowing that I can pick up a falafel on the way. Love Israel for that.

And yet, the 6 lane highways do tend to make up for it.

~~~~~~

Spent the day at Disney world. After being disappointed to find out that the characters no longer wander around the park as much as they did when I went over 15 years ago. Instead, you actually need to wait in line just to shake hands with Mickey. And neither he nor Minnie are home. But the day improved as it went on - rides, and a princess dress, and a parade all helped immensely.

Tomorrow we hit the shops. Well, Ben and I - considering that the next time we'll be back may be.... ? As of yet, unknown. Eden gets to spend the day with Saba and Savta, at mini-golf ("what about Mickey golf?" she says) , or a petting zoo.

Pictures going up as much as possible at www.dropshots.com/benvbat

Child models

Some people I know have entered their children in the Gap Child Casting Call. You can vote for them and the best one wins. (Or the one with the most digital friends..., really I think it's like an online prom queen)

I don't think I would ever do this. It would be pretty cool to have my child the next face of Gap Kids, but do I really want to expose her to this? Really?

I don't think so.

Parents who do this - do you not expect your child to win, or would you really be happy if he/she did?

My friends children are beautiful. But I'm not sure I'd want them to win either. Good luck though.

A New Phase in Motherhood

Letting my infant cry only because I'm doing something else right now is surprisingly easy.

Realizing this hurts.

Confession: Tonight, I let Yemima cry when:

• I pulled Eden's many small ponytails out of her hair and washed it, and then rubbed Eden dry and gave her a big cuddle.
• Made Eden a grilled cheese for supper so that she wouldn't scream from tiredness as well as hunger on the way home from dance lessons.
• All the way to Eden's dance lessons, and home again. Thank God she slept during the lessons themselves. Though she looked VERY VERY angry the entire time she slept. Probably at me.

All these times, I just went about what I was doing as I normally would. Trying my utmost not to get my nerves frayed. That would just have a) gotten Eden crying, b) probably gotten myself burnt c) could have gotten me into an car accident

I wonder what it does to a 4 year old when she realizes - consciously or not - that Mommy is willing to let Baby scream in frustration for minutes on end for her sake. Does it tell her that torture is OK? Does it teach her that it is OK to profit from someone else's pain?

And what does it do to Baby, to be often put aside for Big Sister? Of course, Big Sister is often put aside for Baby also, but Baby does NOT KNOW that. Big Sister does know, and understands pretty well. Will she remember these and think that she matters less?

Ha. She won't remember. But she MIGHT very well read this blog at some point. Horrors!

What do you do with rotting pomegranates?

And other questions.

I've had so many blog posts ready in my mind. Usually they sprout at an unbelievably inconvenient time, and then I forget about them. I had a great mommy guilt post going a few weeks ago. It had something to do with Eden. And Yemima. Ah yes, the time I took them to the mall at 6:30 completely unprepared for what was going to happen. To them and me - utter collapse.

Well, thats all water under the bridge. I did it again yesterday with relatively little screaming, on both their parts. Spent WAY too much on supper (NIS 21 for a teeny salad!!), and Eden did go to sleep crying, but it's all relative.

Fact is, I'm most often online when nursing or getting Yemima to sleep. Which I usually do with one free hand. So I can sort of type, as in small-time emails and chatting. Or Google searches, surfing. But typing out a whole blog post is still a bit much for me.

Some thoughts:

Is it a purer form of Mommy Guilt if the mommy in question isn't working? Meaning, its total mommy guilt, guilt coming from mommy tasks ONLY.

And how about guilt felt for enjoying my maternity leave? The long, lazy days of feed, surf, read, eat, do some laundry and sweep, meet a friend for coffee. Event of the week is the doctor. I cook dinner at 3 PM, just to get it done with. Yes, it is me getting up every 2 hrs at night, but it isn't as if my days require great genius. On the other hand, Ben seems to be incredibly stressed at work. Makes me feel guilty for asking him to take the baby when her evening colic sparks up. Or for not getting more done around the house. Or for making HIM do things around the house. When he works at home, I can see the comparison brazenly clear: Ben, typing furiously, on the phone all the time, comes down for coffee looking shocked and tired. Me, lazing on the couch again with a baby sleeping on my lap, reading. It does seem to indicate a lack of significant brain activity.

Does the pain of pregnancy and childbirth REALLY balance that all out?

(You are banned from this blog if you suggest I should put her down when she's sleeping. Yes I KNOW I'm fostering a bad habit. And what will happen when I need to go back to work. Yadda Yadda. She'll scream. Also I figure nothing really matters since we are going to the states in a few weeks and everything she's ever learned will be thrown off then, and she'll have to learn them all over again. I won't publish comments that seem to indicate anything else.)

Which brings me to the pomegranates. I know I could use rotting fruit in a cake or compote, but what do you do with rotting pomegranates? Ben is eating them very slowly, but there are 2 left. I'd be happy for a recipe, no matter how complicated it is. Hey, I've got the time, right? No stress.

My mind is NOT turning to mush

Or so I tell myself.

I realized today that I've become a somewhat spacey conversationalist. Not to say that I've always been fascinating, but I can do better than this. And yes, you can make all sorts of excuses for me, like that I only sleep for an hour out of every two at night (ok I'm exaggerating a little bit), the real truth is that I blame it on the baby.

For all it's benefits of breastfeeding, such as increased immune system for the baby, weight loss for the mom (really? let me know when that one takes effect), easy to pack and go, cheaper, it's a myth that it does not chain mothers a bit. Not just to their babies, but to the couch.

1) It's easier to nurse on the couch that at the dining room table.

2) If there is anyone at the table who you'd prefer not to flash - at least while they are eating - it's much easier to go to the couch.

3) Yemima knows when she is not my main focus, and she doesn't like it. She eats much better when she knows that she's the center of my attention - and that I'm not involved in something else, like a conversation.

4) I would not want to eat under a hot blanket, I don't blame Yemima for not wanting to either.

So if I'm lucky, and Yemima sleeps during dinner, then I can be an adult and talk about interesting things. If she's awake and just chillin' - also OK, although there is always a part of my brain that is switched off from normal life to listen for her cues. And if she's awake but crying then forget about talking, I can't think straight.

If she's hungry - the couch. And you just can't participate in what's going on at the table very well from the couch. You can try, but it's a tad forced. Sad, sad fact.

And sometimes there's the awake, but not hungry, not crying, but not totally cool either. That's when I'm trying to stick a pacifier in her mouth every so often, talk to her, make eye contact, perhaps change a diaper. And that's also where the spacey conversation comes in. Because I'll be talking or listening and then I'll just fade out. My brain goes to Yemima. Sitting on the couch nursing I can usually at least listen in.

And if someone said something really interesting, I've lost it. It's a little silly to ask them to repeat it, since it happens so often. ("What? Can you repeat that? Sorry? Wait, say that again? What was that you had said 2 minutes ago that I was really interested in hearing but didn't?") And if its a conversation turner - something for getting the rest of it, then I'm gone, and I start saying things like, "Really? Wow. So interesting. Ah. Right. Got it."

I don't think I'm really such an airhead....ok just a bit of one. But if you hear me start to sound like that, you might offer to take the baby.

A calm relaxing morning

Offsetting a tiring night....or rather morning. Yemima was up between 3 and 4 this morning, gassy, poopy, hungry. In reality I suppose, it could be worse.

Changing the clocks last night gave us a longer leisurely morning. Not much to do today anyway. Am currently listening to my older daughter, still in her PJs, color and use stickers with my mother over her breakfast, while my younger daughter sleeps in her swing. I'm still in my PJs too.

Finally posted all the photos we have of Yemima and Eden to www.dropshots.com/benvbat - and linked it on facebook so that everyone knows about them. I really am kind of sick of posting photos to both places - and do certainly prefer dropshots, at least from the point of view of the person loading them. Mainly because you can load photos and videos at once, with a desktop widget - don't need to be on facebook at all! You can still add comments, just they aren't facebookized....and no tagging. Oh well - we pay for the storage at dropshots anyway, giving us practically unlimited storage, so I may as well.

If you are looking for thoughts on Yom Kippur, my mind draws a blank. All I can say is that I wish everyone a fruitful and successful new year, a fresh new start, and an strong inscription in the book of life, love, and personal fulfillment. Atonement....I just want to move forward and am finding it difficult to focus on the past. The year kind of sped by for me, I'm not really sure what happened. Let's move on to the new year and be better, do well. I'll try again to be the best me I can.

Adjustments

Haven't written in a while for a few reasons:
1) Its difficult to type efficiently with only one hand.
2) I had a baby two weeks ago. That should really be enough of a reason.
3) I think that most everything I have to say has really been said before. I mean really, should I tell you that I haven't had a good night's sleep since I left the hospital? Complain about how much Yemima cries? Or maybe you'd like to know about the laundry that hasn't gotten put away yet (it's only folded thanks to my mother-in-law...), the garbage to be taken down, and toys to pick up?

We have a baby. Thank God, she's quite normal, lungs and all. She sometimes can be tricked into sucking on a pacifier, seems to be OK sucking on my finger to fall asleep sometimes, eats OK, and has regular poops. She seems to be more and more awake and alert every day, and once in a while we get a nice big smile out of her (I will only slightly agree that it may have something to do with gas.)

Haven't had the chance to upload many pictures yet, although I have some good ones sitting on my camera. They are coming....

In the meantime, we are all adjusting. I'm remembering about why you are supposed to put the new diaper on under the old one, just in case. Also learning that we have to be home much earlier than usual, or risk 2 screaming and tired kids. As well as ready to be screaming and tired Mommy and Daddy. Sometimes I still feel like I'm babysitting when I'm out with both of them. Are they really both mine? Do I have two daughters? Gosh, I'm old.

I also find that it is just as hard to take prenatal vitamins after the baby is born than it is beforehand. I still gag on them and I don't even have morning sickness.

One Word Miracle

I'm going to take a moment to be sappy. There may be many moments like this coming. Bear with me on it.
My favorite reading material today is our discharge papers. They are in hebrew of course, but I've translated some of it below.

My favorite word today is takin, or directly translated to English as "intact", or "as expected". It just means that all is as it should be. I didn't translate that below, because the word takin really is the whole miracle of the thing. (Takina and takinim are conjugations of the word takin.)

I think its pretty self explanatory.

(Oh and the other miracle is that she slept long enough to let me eat supper. And is still sleeping. Wonder if she will let me take a turn. I know...sleep when she does. Well.)

Note: I am not a doctor, and have no medical training. This is a total layman's translation.

Child:
Date of Birth: 7/9/09
Place of Birth: Hadassah Ein Kerem
Sex: Female
Week of Pregnancy: 41
Weight at Birth: 3330 g
Apgar: 1 min: 9, 5 min: 10

Pregnancy:
Duration of pregnancy: Regular
Type of birth: Regular (I suppose as opposed to C-section. But that was REGULAR???)
Labor Process: Takin

Physical:
Head: Symmetrical, fontanel takin
Eyes: Follows a red light, takin
Neck: Takin
Lungs: Air goes in well, equally in both lungs
Heart: Sound heartbeat with no murmurs
Stomach: Soft, with no enlarged organs. No lumps felt.
Genitalia: Female, takina
Limbs: B.M.P. spread takin
Neurological: Tested takina for age. Infant reflexes takinim.
Skin: Takin, aside from stork marks on the face.

Head circumference: 33.5 cm.

Hospitalization: Takin